A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are both 24. the thing is he is quite horrible to me when he's drunk.I don't really like to drink, but he'll have a drink of vodka in the house every weekend. I don't know what it is but we really don't get on when he's drunk. He gets quite angry and swears at me an blames it all on me and he actually makes me think - is it my fault? But im the sober one so i don't think it's me. I stay quite calm and i don't swear at him or call him anything.We were agruing lastnite till 4 in the morning and i kept telling him i wanted to get some sleep but he wouldn't let it go. He was saying things like i am a malicious ***** and telling me to f**k-off home.I would have gone home but ill live my parents an it was too late and i felt trapped in his house. Then after all the arguing for hours he trys to have sex with me. The thing is later on 2day he'll apologise and we be ok. It's really hard because we get on when he's sober and he doesnt drink all the time, just on weeknds.I really don't know what to do I have been with him for 3 years and i dont want to throw it all away.I really don't want to sleep over his house when he drinks anymore because I don't want to go through this all the time.What should i do? should I just understand because he's drunk? He definately wouldn't get violent hes not like that. Please help.thanks in advance
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male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (27 February 2010):
You're falling into the trap that people who are in relationships with addicts experience. The long slow fall drags sober partners down a worse trail than the addict (you're sober and are not numb by a drug... so you get to feel what he can't... a nice gift, huh?) You need to detach the emotions of this situation (don't rationalize his behavior). Your mental health depends on this. You can learn to be in a relationship with a drunk, but you HAVE TO LEARN how not to be a victim- BTW- what you're describing is alcoholism- which many people rationalize away by saying "he only drinks on weekend" therefore (since he's not constantly drunk) he CAN'T be an alcoholic - that's 100% wrong... sounds like he is, since his actions are effected when he's drunk. Only he can determine if he's alcoholic- some people can drink fine 4 or 5 times in a row, then BAMB... their way out there, and causing trouble.You need to get some support by folks who have been where you are and learned some skills to make it work. Al-anon is a great resource and the women members can be a good safety net at 4am when you need a safe place to retreat to. Odds are really good there is a meeting a few minutes away from you, and you simply don't know about it... they are everywhere, which is a great thing when you need an understanding friend who WILL NOT JUDGE you...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 February 2010):
It has nothing to do with you at all. If he can't handle his drink, then you need to tell hi, to stop or you will leave. Yes, you have been together for 3 years, but it means nothing if he just hurls abuse at you and treats you badly. And you don't know that as time goes on he won't start to get violent. You must not make the mistake of allowing yourself to be treated this way. It's not you. It's him.
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