A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf slept over in my parents bed because they were away for business. I slept in my own room as we are old fashioned and are waiting for marriage (more his idea than mine). A week later he tells me he had a wet dream and messed up the sheets but was to embarrassed to say anything. My parents could have easily slept there after him in his mess, if I didn't make a habit of washing the sheets as soon as guests leave. Im really upset at him not telling me before, I think its disrespectful.He also has a problem with leaking semen or ejaculating very early when we kiss. I don't even have to touch his penis and he can cum. He refuses to masturbate because he has religious and personal issues with it and I just don't know what to do now. When it comes to this stuff I feel like Im dealing with a big baby, he is almost 26 yrs old. We are both virgins and Im willing to wait for intercourse, but the wet dreams, refusing to learn self control in that area and not telling me what he did has caused me to mistrust him and worry about a future with him. What do you guys think? Do you think he will get better? or have you had a similar experience?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): Having now read your follow-ups, I agree with what Uncle Mark has to say.When I first replied, I wasn't entirely sure if you were simply sexually inexperienced and didn't realise that the odd wet dreams and small amounts of "pre-cum" were normal. But your follow-ups show this is not the case and that you are more worried that your boyfriend may have an unhealthy attitude to sex.And I think he is showing signs that he does. Unless he has particularly strong religious beliefs, I think his avoidance of both sex before marriage and masturbation is highly unusual and possibly indicitive of unhealthy hang-ups toward sex.I find his reason for giving up masturbating exceedingly strange. I can understand people losing sexual urges for a while after a break-up (because they are depressed etc) but the urges usually come back pretty quickly. I mean, it's not going to make him miserable NOW if he masturbates - that girlfriend is in the past.He also says that masturbation "isn't his thing" but if it will improve your intimate relationships, then he should at least consider it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2014): Ok, thisis NOT NORMAL!!! Bodiy functions such as going to the bathroom MUST be controlled. Him orgazming only from kiss is some kind of disorder. People control farts, urge to pee all the time. People can stop sneezing, he needs to really to control that spontaneous and really fast orgazm of his.
I think that not masturbating is a big reason why he does it. I don't even know how he doesn't go mad from that. There is something weird, honestly, about him. And not telling you that he messed up the bed. Did he really think no one would notice?
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (20 July 2014):
 I understand where your coming from. Its not a lack of trust as in whether he is cheating, or lying or whatever, but rather you don't trust him to act with a bit of respect and foresight when staying over. Obviously you no longer "trust" him not to spill his load in your mom and dads bed if he stays over or not make a mess if you do anything other than shake hands.
Im a bit surprised that some of the responses on here make this issue out to be normal. Maybe for a teenager it would be, but for a man in his mid twenties he should not be showing such a lack of control. For sure many men leak seminal fluid long before ejaculation, which is why the withdrawal method doesn't work to prevent conception. But there is a difference between a bit of leaked semen and making a mess while cuddling or kissing.
Many young men suffer from premature ejaculation of course, but if it occurs during less sexual activities such as kissing then he is loosing control.
He says he has no URGE to masturbate, which suggests a hormonal issue or lack of drive, but gets over excited the minute you do anything to him and ejaculates during the night.
Most young guys cant leave themselves alone and it would take a lot of discipline for a young guy not to masturbate. If he genuinely has no desire to achieve orgasm or have the emotional high and physical sexual release then that could indicate a problem, either physically or emotionally.
If he said "Its against my religious belief" or "I had a bad experience when I was younger" then fair enough, but to say "Oh masturbation isn't my thing" sounds dubious. Im a man and believe me men masturbate and you try and stop us! I don't think i've every heard of a man who says its not his thing.
Also the thing he said about masturbating reminding him of his ex which stopped him doing it? Sorry but that makes little sense.
The only thing is to talk to him, tell him you are concerned about his lack of control and ask him to explain to you why he wont masturbate, even if it was just to make the issue of leaking and inappropriate ejaculation go away.
I don't think you are imagining he has an issue touching you or himself and whatever that issue is, its probably the real reason he is putting off sex until marriage. You need ot get to the bottom of this now rather than your wedding night.
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe mistrust comes from the fact that he would've let my parents sleep in his "mess". I would never disrespect his patents that way. I wouldn't care that he ejaculates prematurely, it's more the fact that he has such issues around touching himself and trying to have a little more self control. I worry that he has an unhealthy attitude towards sex and it culminates in prematureness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): I don't see why you're having difficulty trusting him? Because he can't control his wet dreams or seminal leakage? These things AREN'T controllable - it's like asking someone to control sneezing or their heart-rate or menstrual cycle - there's only so much a person can do to control these bodily functions with just will-power.
Wet dreams are common in young men and uncontrollable, especially in guys who DON'T masturbate - their body produces semen anyway and it's got to go somwhere.
You say he also ejaculates during make out sessions. Does he actually have an orgasm or does his penis simply leak fluid - it's not quite the same thing. Many guys will start leaking or dribbling fluid when they are highly aroused. This NORMAL and not something a guy can control - except by not having make out sessions (which most people in relationships don't want to give up).
If he does actually have an orgasm and full ejaculation just from kissing alone, then he may have premature ejaculation. This may wear off of its own accord once he becomes sexually experienced but if it doesn't there are certain techniques that can be employed to reduce it. However, many of these techniques include masturbation.
In fact, I think many of your boyfriends "problems" would greatly reduce if he started masturbating but due to his religious beliefs and convictions this probably won't be acceptable to him.
But in reality - they're not "problems". They are perfectly natural bodily functions which you have to accept when you're going to become intimate with someone.
Is the problem more that he ommitted to tell you that he'd messed up your parents sheets? That would be piss me off too but I can tell why your boyfriend did it - embarrassment. It's not a bodily function that we normally discuss with others and he may have thought "Well, she always changes the sheets anyway" but ideally he should clean up after himself. Just tell him next time he stays over that he needs to strip the sheets and put them in the washing machine in the morning (regardless of whether he's had a wet dream).
But I still think you're making problems out of something that's normal
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOriginal Poster here:
I spoke with him and he says that he has never really felt the urge to masturbate. During adolescent he said he just didnt bother. The only time he did it was while he had a gf for about a yr. He said when he had the stimulation he wanted more. Then he and the gf broke up (she slept around and he became heart broken) and so he stopped masturbating because every time he did it, it reminded him of her.
He says he is working on controlling himself from cumming all the time and that masturbation just isnt his thing. He swears black and blue that he is interested in sex and being intimate with me, and that he does enjoy pleasing me (he has hesitated in the past to touch me which was absolutely shattering for me).
I like many things about him, but I am terrified that he finds masturbation or certain sexual things sinful or dirty - despite the fact that he promises he doesnt. Im scared about the future. I am a complete virgin and by no means desperate for sex now, but Im just fearful that there is something not right in all of this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOriginal Poster here:
I spoke with him and he says that he has never really felt the urge to masturbate. During adolescent he said he just didnt bother. The only time he did it was while he had a gf for about a yr. He said when he had the stimulation he wanted more. Then he and the gf broke up (she slept around and he became heart broken) and so he stopped masturbating because every time he did it, it reminded him of her.
He says he is working on controlling himself from cumming all the time and that masturbation just isnt his thing. He swears black and blue that he is interested in sex and being intimate with me, and that he does enjoy pleasing me (he has hesitated in the past to touch me which was absolutely shattering for me).
I like many things about him, but I am terrified that he finds masturbation or certain sexual things sinful or dirty - despite the fact that he promises he doesnt. Im scared about the future. I am a complete virgin and by no means desperate for sex now, but Im just fearful that there is something not right in all of this.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (20 July 2014):
Hi
This guy sounds like he has a problem. If he refuses to masturbate and is a virgin then he has no "outlet" for his semen which causes the wet dreams. Men need to ejaculate regularly for the purpose of removing excessive build of fluids, plus regular expulsion of seminal fluids is good for the prostate and prevents harmful bacteria and chemicals building up.
I agree it was disrespectful to make a mess on your parents sheets. At 26 years old he should be doing something about it, not hoping for the best. He is an adult, a grown man, not a teenager experiencing this for the first time.
Does he explain to you WHY he refuses to masturbate? What are the "personal issues" with it? This is probably something you need to become more aware of now as, if you were to marry him, you don't want any nasty surprises after making that commitment. Could he have been sexually abused as a child or been touched inappropriately? Could he have a problem with his genitals for example or feel it is wrong or "dirty" to pleasure oneself which could impact on a future sex life?
He also suffers not only premature ejaculation but spontaneous and inappropriate ejaculations. Leaking/ejaculating while kissing at 26? He clearly has an issue that's not going to go away by itself. Marriage wont transform him into a long lasting lover with self control, more likely is the fact he is putting off sex until marriage because of fear of failure.
Its sometimes, but certainly by no means always, the case than men who claim not to want sex until marriage do so for reasons other than simply religious or moral. In SOME cases its because they have something to hide: sexual confusion, closet gay, genital mutation, a history of abuse, erectile dysfunction, etc. I do wonder if he has some kind of problem. Its rare for men not to masturbate, very rare.
How happy are YOU to wait until marriage for sex? You do seem to suggest maybe this is for more him than you? If its not what you want then maybe there is a compatibility issue going on?
Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Ask him to masturbate to help prevent him making a mess every time you walk into the room. He has every right to refuse as what he does to his body is his choice and you cant force him to masturbate, but if he shies away from giving answers and refuses to make the situation better by relieving himself then maybe ask yourself if he is man you want to continue seeing. If he wont get help for this issue NOW he is unlikely to seek help if you marry him and find he cant enter you without finishing first leaving you unsatisfied.
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2014): Hi well to be honest I don't think that the fact he had a wet dream it gets excited is a reason to mistrust him . If it's only becuase he felt embarrassed to tell you I have to say that seems entirely understandable hearing the way you are now reacting . I would be embarrassed to tell you too and that's coming from a women because effectively you are indeed judging him ( the very thing he likely feared )
Unless you can be become a lot more open minded and inderstanding of the way men are this is likely to cause all kinds if issues for you both I'm sorry to say
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