A
female
age
30-35,
*annahjanebooth
writes:I need to get this off of my chest... I am not sure if I love my boyfriend or not. We have been dating for a little more than nine months. We started our relationship on very strange terms, and were strictly friends who smoked weed together (or so I thought). Anyways, both of us stopped smoking, so please don't lecture me on that. While we were smoking buddies, he would try to make moves on me. Keep in mind that I was in a very abusive relationship before him, and freaked out (naturally) to let a guy NEAR me, and much more to even think about TRUSTING him. So we hang out, and it's nice to have the positive attention from a guy. I think he was and us a very handsome man, but at the time a man was the last thing I needed. He tried taking me out a few times, always being very courteous and sweet, but I just wasn't interested in him. I even threw off his attempts to kiss me, because I was petrified to let a man touch me. He begged, and eventually I gave in. After six or so dates. I still didn't like him, and remember asking my mom for advice on what to do if a really nice guy likes you but you just can't force yourself to feel the same. Then, I was with a different guy friend one night who creeped the hell out of me, trying to guilt me into having sex with him, and almost forcing himself onto me when I objected. I used this guy who I had been seeing as an excuse to not do anything with the creeper, and called the nice guy right after. It made me less afraid to think that he was my boyfriend, and it definitely felt nice to have another person to talk to. He was comforting and nice, and although he had been out of town for the week before that, we decided to go official. This is not to say that I didn't like him, but I wasn't ready for anybody at all, not even if the perfect guy had came into my life right then. I was out of state for almost three and a half months after that, and we wrote letters constantly, and called each other to talk. It was then that I realized I did like him, because we connected emotionally and set so many healthy boundaries, we respected each other, and we always wanted to talk and know more about each other. When I came back, it was a joyous reunion, because we had built it up so much in the time that we were away. Anyways, fast forward and we have been going out.we have never been in a fight (which is good because I am too passive), we don't argue or disagree, we don't hang out too often and aren't clingy, and feel very very comfortable around each other. The problem is I am afraid I settled for him because he helped me when I was an emotional wreck..because lately i've been wondering if I deserve better. He seemed to stop trying after the fifth month, trying to do nice things for me like make dinner, or have great conversations,or try to surprise me, or do anything sexually interesting............It feels like I'm doing so much work for our relationship and it bothers me that he prioritizes his computer time over me.He is always on his phoneHe stopped trying to make me orgasm(I have to touch myself while we do it if I want to come), doesn't last 2 minutes in bed, doesn't open up or tell me anything, isn't ever excited to see me, and just seems bored. W both have depression, but I know when he's depressed and this feels different.I'm trying to listen to my heart but I don't know if i've ever gotten to make my own choice about him, whether I love him. It feels like he always initiated feelings, and I liked the support and validation, so it wasn't a genuine feeling. I'm very scared and worried at the thought of losing him, though!!!! What do you think ?
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female
reader, hannahjanebooth +, writes (16 October 2012):
hannahjanebooth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAghh I talked to him tonight and we really connected again. Depression is very real for both of us, so I will definitely consider that. We both take medication, and I go to therapy 1x per week. I just have a nagging feeling that our initial grab onto each other was because we both got sober together...
A
female
reader, ladybird5  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 if he has stopped trying then there is your exit cue. Don't waste another moment on a guy not willing to make the effort.Though if you are both depressed then that has to take centre stage as the most important problem to deal with.Once you ae getting treatment and are feeling better some current problems may start to look entirely different.So I say get your Depression treated - both of you - and then review if you want this relationship to continue
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