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*nowpeas
writes:I have been married 28 years and am 51 years old and lhave helped get my husband thru 2 bouts of leukemia. It seems that his needs always have come first and since his illness it has gotten worse. You would think he was. 2 year old that couldn't function on their own. He is home 24/7 and I never get a minute to myself, he has been working from home and has no,plans of going back to the office.. I had to leave my job to take care of him and since then I am also taking care of my granddaughter. I have no room to breath for myself. I have no job and no money and want out of my marriage but not sure how to do it. Everything he does irritates me I try not to be bitchy but he knows how to push my buttons, I am so tired of hearing people say get counseling, I don't want to i want out. I feel I have taken care of everyone else but myself. I am so unhappy and am losing who I am. I have no fun in my life as my husband doesn't ever want to do anything. I lost all my friends when I left my job and have no family to turn to. I have told my husband I want out and asked hi. To move into another room in our house and that lasted 3 days as he was u comfortable in the other room so he says, isn't thT what happens when you split ? He always have to have things his way and I am so frustrated I just want to cry. Please someone help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): You need help and you need a break, you have caregiver burnout. I would definitely go away for a week, pay for someone to take care of your granddaughter or have your husband do it, can he do that for a week? Recultivate your friendships and make it clear to your husband things must change because you are shouldering too much and you will be no good to anyone if you fall apart or become ill yourself. Emotional stress like this can bring out illnesses, not cause them but make you more susceptible if they are there already. After taking a break then consider how to work out what will happen with your marriage.
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reader, Delirium +, writes (2 December 2014):
 It sounds like you are dealing with many different problems that have added together. Caring for your ill husband, your husband having a difficult personality (this could be a completely separate issue from the cancer or it could be related to the cancer or medications, either way it is a different stressor than caring for him physically), caring for your granddaughter, having to put aside your job, and so on. You say you don't want to talk to a therapist but would you consider talking to a cancer caregivers support group? If you do an online search for caregiver burnout or caregiver support forums then you can find sites where people struggling just like you share their stories and their ways to cope. I don't know what your finances are like but maybe looking into getting a home nurse or assistant could be a good idea. They can come by a few times a week to give you a break while you go out a catch up with friends or just to get out of the house. Also your husband may learn to fend for himself a little bit rather that ask for help from a stranger. Also How old is your granddaughter? Maybe you can look into daycare if she is not school age and if she is in school maybe speak with some of the other moms and see if you could set up a play date once in a while. Best of Luck
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reader, YouWish +, writes (2 December 2014):
 It's tough to give you advice. I just lost my father to leukemia, and I would give my whole life to get him back even sick as he was, and my mom feels the same.
You are burned out. You need time to yourself, like a week away. If he's working from home, he can manage to see you get out for a bit and take some time to recharge.
Why are you taking care of your granddaughter? Where are her parents? Where are your siblings, parents, other children? You say you have no family, yet you have a granddaughter? What about his family? Brothers, sisters, parents?
Have you looked into nursing care? Have you checked into the American Cancer Society? Most hospitals and cancer centers have social workers that can put you in touch with services designed to take the load off of your shoulders.
Something tells me that a lot of what you've lost boils down to the convenience of not wanting other options, and I'm sure his preferences have kept you from getting outside help. Patients can get pretty finicky, wanting a spouse to do the care when outside help is just as good.
Time to put your foot down, get some assistance because you can't do it all, and if you leave the marriage, it'll be the one thing you regret in all of your life. Best take a break than let burnout break it off permanently.
You need to recharge. Even if it's a bed and breakfast one weekend per month where you can go yourself, bring books, turn off the phone, and just get "you" time.
Every day, take walks. Get out for an hour...get a break. Reconnect with the world. He won't die if you're going for a little bit, no matter how babyish he can be.
Reconnect with some of your friends. Just because you left your job doesn't mean you have to lose them. Not only that, but what about part time work at the same place, even if it's just a few hours per day a few times per week? It'll get you out and reconnect you with the real world and give you breathing space.
Your granddaughter - how old is she, and why are you caring for her? Is she old enough to assist you? Like I asked - where are her parents? Siblings? All of that?
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