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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for over a year and just had a daughter 5 months ago. I have been with my husband since high school I would like to start you at the very beginning so you understand how I feel. I was 16 and the phone rang it was one of my exes he said that he had this friend and he wanted to hook up. So I talked to this guy for hours. We eventually saw meet up with each other and then started dating. We began haivng sex constatly, we were inseprable that eventually we moved in with each other within a year at the parents. After that we ended up getting an apartment together and we fought all the time. He screamed and yelled and me and when it escaulated he became very angry and violent. He would hit me or hold me down on the floor or up against a wall so tightly. One day I had enough and I couldn't take it I wanted to know why all of sudden there was a change why he would become so angry like this.. was it me? I went onto his myspace and found that he was talking to some girl.. not to mention some girl from his past I became so irrate I had enough we were suppose to move into another apartment in less than 3 weeks and he wanted to end the realtionship which meant that I would have to come up with money to forfeit the lease! Because I was the one that was working at the time. Then we moved into the other apartment after working it out. ME begging him to stay so we could work it out. It just got worse we fought all the time and he hit me several times and I threated him with a knife. Things where incredibally horrible but deep down I fealt like we loved each other and I just couldn't understand why this was like this. Things got better we stopped fighting so much, and we decided to get married. We walk down the aisle and had the best night of our lives. Then after a few months I fealt like maybe we were ready for a kid. Through out the pregnancy we fought much less but there were a few times in which he got violent and he put a mark across my face I had to tell everyone it was our cat. I just am tired of the fighting... and the violence. After our daughter was born we had gone to his moms (which I hate because she is a total bitch to me calling me fat and telling me I shouldn't eat). They had friends over and we started to fight about something. He was telling me to hush and that I should stop it and I said no, I had enough from him. He then came and put his hands around my neck while holding my daughter which scared her. I told him I had enough. I wanted to leave him right then.. that was a month ago. My feelings are the same I am tired of all the fighting and him hurting me. Since that day he hasn't done anything to lay a hand on me because I told him if he simply touched me the wrong way we were totally over. He keeps bringing up the fact that I was raised with a step dad and how I fealt about it. He pressures me to feel guilty but I feel like I am done. I just wish I knew what to do. I want to be in this relationship because I love him and I don't want to hurt my daughter and I love the life that we have. I am young and would not have some of the things in life if it wasn't for him. I know that I would not be able to support myself because I do not have a job and I am working full time. What should I do? This weekend we went to a party together and I was talking with one of his male friends and I just fealt something that I don't feel with my husband. I kinda feel like I might have a crush on him again as we had gone to high school together. While my husband was getting drunk I was trying to think of ways for this other guy to keep his eyes on me. We had a really nice conversation and I feel so attracted to him. I just can't stop thinking about this guy now and I feel bad. I am overwhelmed with guilt for wanting to leave my husband but at the same time he has caused me way to much pain and I kinda was slowly moving on.
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (11 August 2008):
 Hello
I am sorry dear you are indeed in a horrible abusive relationship. Please don’t listen to your husband he is just using your childhood with your stepdad to satisfy his needs, to him is just a way to keep you there. Indeed some abusive partners in their own twisted minds they think they do love you but just can’t help their violent anger and jealous rage that’s why it is important for you who is in the receiving end to take your stand against it. This explains the reason why you think despite all the violence your marriage is okay.
You need to leave this marriage now while you still can, This guy may have promised you he will not lay a hand on you again, but how many times did he went back on his word? You are not staying in this marriage because you love him; you are staying because you have become addicted to this dysfunctional family he had created for you and your child. You are staying because u feel its your child’s right to grow under the same roof with her father and mother: Do you know that in a state of domestic violence that took only less than 10 minutes a woman or a man may die? Depending on the force that was used during the violence? He had pinned you to the floor, the wall, and what else? Do you know chances of him choking you to death are very high in that manner? Your words: “He then came and put his hands around my neck while holding my daughter which scared her”
If your daughter was old enough to make a choice do you think she will want you dead or separated living happily away from her father? I am sure your daughter will rather have you alive than having to deal with the fact that her father killed her mother during a domestic fall-out.
This is not your fault no one has any right to strike another human being physically no matter how big a verbal fight can be he has no right to lay his hand on you.
If that was not enough he even physically hurt you while holding your daughter; girl what are you waiting for? Your funeral? This has not happened for only a month not a decade so please before he leaves u dead or invalid you must leave this guy. If you feel this marriage can be saved, well initiate a legal separation for a while and he must get himself some professional help, you need that too, it’s very important.
Things will never go back to the way they were when you met, someone who was in an abusive marriage for over 10yrs told me once a man lay his hand on you he can never hold back no matter how much he tries unless if he had been abusing you under an influence of alcohol or drug abuse that way she thinks it might be easier for him to stop if he gets clean.
But for a sober man it is a different story since her husband’s mental state was normal only that he was angry. This is her true story:
Her husband was one of the respected people in the community a reverend and pastor of the local church. He will beat her up to a pulp in the morning when she wakes up with blue eyes and cracked ribs he will nurse her back to health blaming her that she made him very angry that she must never do that again so that there can be peace in the house, she will feel all guilty and apologetic fearfully and tearfully non-stop he will hold her and kisses away her tears lovingly and she will believe he was remorseful hoping it will stop. she will have to cover her face with make-up and tell people she fell on top of the stairways to explain her sudden limp, unfortunately she didn’t have a lucky escape it was only when she woke up in hospital not remembering what really happened and was told her REVEREND husband was in prison because he stabbed and killed their infant child she was breastfeeding when he tried to stab her she ducked and unfortunately the knife landed on the baby’s chest. Apparently the fight started when he asked her to put the child down and make him supper but the child was crying nonstop and seemed hungry so she decided to breastfeed her with the hope she was gonna fall asleep and then she can dish up for him since the food was good and ready only that it was still inside the cooking pots not serving bowls. So to him putting the child first was disrespectful and she required a beating to straighten her up. She said an abusive partner will find any excuse to physically hurt you. Her story was painful and like you she stayed in the marriage because of the same reasons as you. The abuse was not a daily thing there were promises too, but whenever it happens it was blamed on her it’s a circle until you break it, you keep playing around it.
So hunny you are still together and your child is still together this maybe the safest time for you to leave this marriage.
I have googled some helpful resources for you; you can also do that so that you can also find some support groups in your area that you can become part of. This is something that requires a lot of support from family and friends as well. Coming to this site was the first step; so please do not hesitate to seek further support.
Don’t feel guilty about your fantasizing about the other guy; I guess it’s a natural way of showing you that this husband is really not what you were looking for in a husband. However do not pursue a relationship with the other guy, its just a crush so don’t act on it, with the challenges you are facing right now an extra marital affair will not solve anything in fact it will just further complicate your life.
Hope this helps:
http://www.safe4all.org
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abusive-relationships/
http://www.sutree.com/how-to/26046/How-can-I-deal-with-an-abusive-relationship
http://www.jump.co.za/product/the-verbally-abusive-relationship-how-to-recognize-it-how-to-6718070.htm
http://www.familylife.co.za/women.htm
http://www.womensnet.org.za/pvaw/help/helping.htm
Jovial
A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (11 August 2008):
 Sounds like it is time to get out of that relationship. He has started physically abusing you, so get out, there is just no negotiation on this one!
Honeygirl
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A
female
reader, Abcdefghij  +, writes (11 August 2008):
Leave him.
or.. You could get him some help like anger management?
personally i would leave him though dont you have a friend or family to help support you? You could always go put in for homeless accomodation. If he says anything about how horrible it would be for your little girl to grow up with a step dad just tell him that any other man out there would be a better father.. And if he hits you go to the police its domestic violence and nobody should have to suffer it
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