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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, we have such a strong relationship. We will probably be married within a couple of years and we are looking to buy a house together within a year. I am 21 and he is 22 years old, and I have been on the pill for over 5 years, and Im still afriad to have sex without a condom. He really doesn't want to wear them and he I don't trust him if anything happened. I just have so many friends who have gotten pregant and gottne abortions and that scares me. This is hurting our relationship and Im not sure what to do. I'm so afriad to have sex without a condom even though Ive been on the pill. I don't trust myself. Can someone help me??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, iggyzap +, writes (2 December 2005):
the most important thing is to do what makes you comfortable. if he doesnt like it then tell him to do without and i bet he slips on that condom. birth control is very effective but if you have problems remembering to take the pill(i do) there are other methods (i get a shot every 3 months)it is always good to have a little extra so maybe you would feel comfortable with spermacide. i dont know what all forms it comes in but i used to get these thin strips you insert into your vagina a few minutes before sex and they melt. quick, simple, easy, a little extra protection, no condom, everyones happy
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 December 2005):
 Since no method of contraception is 100% effective 100% of the time, then it's always good to have a backup method (like condoms). Having said that, the Pill is one of the most effective forms of birth control available. The greatest risk - which I believe is less than 1% - is if you forget to take it.
I can appreciate that your boyfriend doesn't like to use condoms. Apparently a lot of men feel that they cut down on the sensation and hate them for that reason, but contraception is his responsibility too. Just make sure he knows that! Some men tend to forget that sex carries certain risks (STIs, pregnancy) and in the quest for orgasm, they overlook their own responsibilities to minimise those risks.
You need to discuss this matter with him in the non-whingeiest way possible, because it sounds a little like your boyfriend thinks that birth control is pretty much "your baby" (pun intended), and he needs to re-examine his attitude toward it. Try to think of alternative methods you can use, preferably methods which share your contribution to the project more equally. Maybe it would be as simple as getting "form-fitting" condoms, which are significantly thinner latex.
Statistically-speaking, if you're really diligent about taking the Pill and you don't forget it, then condoms are fairly redundant. They're not doing all that much more, other than providing protection from STIs. But you also have to consider that if you don't have a backup contraceptive method, that your fear of pregnancy is going to make the sexual experience less fun for you, because you'll be worrying. That's important for your boyfriend to remember too.
I suggest that you make an appointment with your doctor or with a women's clinic and talk to someone with training in female fertility too, so you can overcome what seems to me excessive concern about your getting pregnant. A doctor or health counsellor can also help you by making some suggestions for alternative contraception that might be relatively new, as well as putting to rest some of your fears.
The bottom line is that you shouldn't change your current birth control method, just to suit your boyfriend's whims. HE'S not the one at risk, and frankly, he sounds a little bit self-centred on this issue, so you need to stand your ground until the both of you can reach a compromise.
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