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female
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anonymous
writes: I have an boyfriend of 1 yr who has a 2 yr old child with his ex-girlfriend who lives 3000 miles away - he visits twice a year and i get insanely jealous - i don't hate the kid but i am just so jealous that he had a child with an ex that he wasn't that close to and she was totally irrational and emotionally crazy for a while that he even broke up with me a few times cuz he couldn't handle it. he still is dealing with things slowly but saying he's hardly involved with his kid so how can he involve me? i wonder tho if it is something that i can get over or whether the idea of his having a child with some woman i absolutely detest and she will be in our lives forever will never be resolved in my own head. is this something that i should seek counselling for? i think he is the one and i love him so much, but i also fell in love with him before he told me about the child as he was also dealing with it pretty poorly. i wish we had a clean slate and i can't change the past but i'm so confused. please help...
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 January 2006):
 You can't wish his past away, and moreover, you can't wish his child away. They come as a package, your man and his History.
And think about this, too: so do you. There might be aspects of your past (abandonment issues, hurtful breakups, old boyfriends, familial interactions) that your man would rather you didn't have, but to have you he gets the lot, good and bad.
The same is true for you.
Now you have to face facts: if you want this guy, you have to accept him as a whole man. That includes the fact that he's a father and, yes, that boy will be around for the rest of your boyfriend's life. You also need to accept that the boy's mother will, likely as not, be a feature of his life, at least until the son reaches the age of majority.
All the "insane jealousy" in the world isn't going to change that fact. Stamp your feet and pout if you like (joking), but no one can change their past just to suit the present. So if you want your boyfriend, it's YOU who has to change.
I suggest that you go and speak to a counsellor about your insecurities. You need to work out ways that you can learn to accept that things happened before your boyfriend met you, and that you'll never be able to make the results of those interactions go away. Until you do, you'll be unhappy in this relationship.
Obviously, this innocent kid represents something to you that you're having trouble dealing with, and there is no way in the world that you should hold it against the boy or your boyfriend because this kid merely exists! (Picture yourself as a little girl, knowing that some random adult, 3000 miles away, hates you, just because you were born. Scary, isn't it?)
If this guy is to be a long-term partner for you, you have to learn to deal with your own baggage and accept, even welcome, this boy into your lives. Because as the child gets older, he's likely to need his dad more, not less.
Good luck and be strong.
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