A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok - I like to think of myself as a pretty mature and intelligent person, I have a repetoire of good coping strategies and a reasonable understanding of human behaviour and the types of things that motivate people to behave in certain ways, and insight into my own values/motivations etc. So, despite this I am having a bit of a personal conflict! I found out my partner cheated on me, devastation x 10 - we have talked through everything and are working on making positive changes to our relationship - things are going pretty well and I am starting to feel closer to my husband and to believe things are OVER with the other woman. I feel I have handled things with my husband pretty rationally....and I have not even gone nuts and let the other woman know what I think of her, have not even met her or talked to her. On some level I know that I don't need to have any contact with her or "vent" my feelings - as she won't "get it" and it won't help anything...the sensible side of me knows that me not reacting to her "games" (she has been trying to manipulate my partner) is the best way to handle her - and my partner and I have been a "united front" when dealing with her....and I think/hope she is out of our lives now but,I am quite consumed with revenge...well no, that's not even the word for it...I have been in "detective mode", looking for all sorts of information about her, their time together, I seem to be satisfied when I can find something out she wouldn't want me to know...eg. I found out her address...and drove out of my way to go past her house...why?? I called her work number and hung up, I know what her car looks like, I know her friends names....I have all this info I could use if I CHOSE to behave like the p'd off wife - however I don;t think I ever would use it, I have too much respect for myself to go to that level (although I have imagined some pretty excellent confrontations!!). My question is, why am I behaving like this?? I am so annoyed at myself for letting this person who I never invited into my life invade my life so much - even now!!Any advice on how to stop all my thinking!!!!??
View related questions:
cheated on me, revenge Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone!
I have not checked this for a while - and missed a few responses! Just wanted to say thanks again to all of you who have taken the time to discuss this - it really is very much appreciated!
Things are OK right now. I am having more 'good' days - where I don;t think of the affair, the OW or the baby at all...my husband and I are feeling alot closer again and are both trying to look at our marriage objectively/work through the affair issues etc...it's slow going but I feel glad we are both trying for now.
I still have days where intrusive throughts come in - and I am on the verge of tears - not sure I will ever be quite the same again...but I am trying to focus on the future...even if that is only as far as tomorrow or the next day!
I have made great progree (I feel) regarding the OW...I have stopped searching out information or imagining what I'd say to her if I was to see her....I don;t feel that intense hatred now...more 'sorry for her'as she obviously has her own "issues". She has not been in contact with my husband for about 6 weeks or so (her child would have been born by now) - so things have seemed a bit more settled. I hope so much she will just fade into the past...but accept that this may not be realistic. I hate feeling like I am in limbo - but I just have to deal with things as they come up - right now I am focused on me, my marriage, my own beautiful child!
I have been seeing a counsellor too - which has been helpful, it was good to tell someone out loud!! I have been looking at why I "protect" my husband so much...and I have been able to place blame and anger with him instead of always onto the OW...
I still wish I could wake up to discover all this was a nightmare...but I know I can't ever go back to 'before'...I just have to keep on keeping on!
Thanks all you aunts - your comments have really helped!
A
female
reader, Twirly  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 Hi Again,
You sound like a really nice lady and I suspect that your recent behaviour regarding the other woman is your way of coping with all of this.
If you can get past this phase without actually doing anything with the information you've been gathering about her, then I think you'll be okay.
If I were you Im pretty sure I'd feel the same, although I think Id be inclined to be a little less forgiving as you seem to be towards your hubby!
I think your reaction is fairly normal under the circumstances, you've been terribly hurt and had a big shock. I wish you all the best and hope your marriage works out. I appreciate your husband has explained what he was going through, but I still feel that he really has no excuse for putting you through this, it is he that brought this OW into your lives, and as for your question of how she could do this to you, well, sadly people fall for people every day and you can't always help it, even if they are married.
It usually takes a lot of pursuing and charming from the married man to convince a single woman to get involved, so again I must say that you need to think about what part your husband played in seducing her.
Im not saying she's blamesless, but she is the single one in the scenario and your husband is not.
Good luck x
(PS Don't take Laura's comments too much to heart, she means very well but is a little out there with her advice!)
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 I am sorry you felt 'miffed' but I was just saying a hard
truth which maybe hard to accept ,
that many wives sometimes don't think or felt that it is
their fault or they did not in anyway contributed to such a
situation whether directly or indirectly and will never be wrong.
They believe they are angels.
You can either accept this kiss of truth or reject it .
I am not saying that it is always the wife's fault if the husbands strays.
There could be many reasons why a spouse strays.
The important thing is to check if there were some mistakes and to rectify them.
If you found no mistakes , maybe you need to look harder or
ask your friend to tell you if there were some inappropriate
'incidents' in your marriage life.
It is not easy to see one's own mistakes.
You fault the OW and another female reader fault your
husband but I don't think the cheated is faultless even
though she feels she has done no wrong in her eyes.
It is his perceptions that counts and not yours.
If he has found love, ecstasy and happiness in this
marriage, he would not have strayed.
As the OW would have said, "The wife does not know how to
look after and take care of her man and thats why he is seeking it outside of marriage."
There is also the satisfaction that she feels she is better than the another woman.
This is what makes them bold and want to snatch the married man from his married wife.
The OW would rationalize this way about her actions of
having an affair with the man or possibly enticing the man from his wife.
These women are like vultures or piranhas.
Your man was unfortunate to have met those creatures in his line of work.
Women are paradoxical creatures, when she is the wife,
she will detest the OW and if she is the OW,
she will detest the wife.It is all about her selfish interest.
Sometimes, you may not realized that your unintentional
actions may have pushed your husband to the other side.
Whether it is your fault or not, I do not know in your case.
I was just generalizing it and not accusing you.
You will have to look deeply into your own marriage to find out .
If you think you are not entirely at fault,
you are entitled to your opinions.
But you must quickly forgive the both of them for your
mental and psychological health and peace of mind.
To err is only human and to forgive is divine.
It is only three little words, "I forgive you"
But because of so much deep hatred and anger in you,
you are not able to speak from your mouth.
The tongue is like a double edge sword.
If you speak out the negative, the negative will seek you.
If you speak out the positive, the positive will find you.
Do you want the positive or negative?
I cannot decide for you.
If you pray to the Father in Heaven and if you remember you
have any quarrels with anyone, go and settle with him/her
first or your prayers will be in vain.
For further readings on forgiveness ;-
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2005/sepoct/10.16.html
http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/unforgiveness_poison.php
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
http://www.celebratelove.com/forgive.htm
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): She cheated on me a long time ago. He was a casual family friend. I found out about this only after his death. I became obsessed with finding information about him, stuff I never bothered about before.
I went so far as to read the inquest into his death. I saw photos of him lying dead on a beach (he drowned). I checked the status of his deceased estate, His sporting achievements, the death benefits from the unemployment insurance fund.
I even told his widdow who probably had guessed already.
I don't forgive easily, and yes, I also strayed and need forgiveness.
So I understand how you feel. I think you have a right to feel that way.
Forgiveness is a process which in our cases takes a long time. I hope for your sake that you are better at it than I am.
I'm told that the two of you can end up the stronger if you come through this thing.
That is my hope for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, PLease don;t get me wrong - I certainly do not believe the OW was the only person at fault here...I suppose that I have a better understanding of where my partner "was at" when he made this stupid mistake and that is helping me to move towards forgiving him...I am incredibly angry at him too tho and scared and confused.... What makes me really angry at this OW is that she didn't know me, didn't know a thing about my marriage when she met my husband at a function...she saw the ring but didn't seem to care a bit - she saw something she wanted and she went for it. What is that?? Why do woman do that to other woman and to themselves? As for me being "perfect" I am under no dellusion that I am - I have thought alot about my role in why my husband strayed - at times even blaming myself...however, I am a bit miffed by Laura1318's comment implying my husband strayed because of me....do you think all spouses who are cheated on are the root cause of the infidelity? I don;t believe that.If what my husband has communicated to me is true - a lot of what motivated him was NOT to do with me, the things that are I will take on board and together we will try to move forward. It seems that blaming anyone if fairly fruitless anyway...I will do my best to forgive both of them, I do want to heal.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 May 2008):
The 2nd and 3rd link does not work in here and I will post the article here.
"Will u or will u not…… become somebody’s mistress..?"
If u had a choice , u would prefer to be his wife rather than to be his mistress.A big “IF!”
Some woman do not have a choice or Hobson’s choice (no other choice , got to take what is offered) as either they were tricked by the man or they allowed themselves to be maneuvered into this position.
Gals are now more highly educated and are working and fending for themselves.Many are working but many cannot achieve their aspirations of a better life just by their salaries alone.
They either acquired the good taste of life or see others of their kind who flaunt their wealth in their face.Their friends may also encouraged them to do the same.
They maybe hesitant at first due to ethical and moral considerations but economic and the good life drowned out their resistance and so join the crowd.Some may not be other’s mistress but become social escorts or provide some special services where they get rewarded handsomely for their services rendered.
They want a better life, be able to afford nice beautiful and expensive clothes and accessories,be driven in those sleek sport cars or luxury cars,holidays dine in high class establishments and go partying in clubs…
To extradite from this quagmire is not impossible but with untold nightmares and plenty of hard biting decisions.
It is like u are in the devil’s lair and no way u can escape from it.
"Will u accept your husband’s mistress?"
Some women know what they are getting into when they marry their man.The older generation woman would accept the fait accompli as she cannot do much about it even if she wanted to.
She would not only lose her husband but also the comfort of her home and all means of financial support.Such woman has no recourse but to accept the other woman as a sister and their children as her own.
If u are a modern independent and career woman , u would not share your man with another woman and it would be impossible to live in such a situation and u will be dissatisfied and will seek a divorce.
This is just my personal views only.
All opinions are welcome.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 May 2008):
If you have unforgiveness in your heart,
God's healing cannot flow into you .
You won't be healed and you would be like a walking wounded.
It is like a cancer which is still there.
The day you forgive her , you will sense a big burden lifting from your shoulders.
Some day in the not too distant future ,
you will have to forgive her whether you like it or not.
Why wait for that day and after carrying this burden or
excess baggage for that long and heavy in your life?
What is the point and purpose?
You only hurt yourself more and not her.
Set yourself free and lighter so that you can fly again .
When there is an affair , it is easy to blame the wrong doer or the third party.
It is easy to see other's faults but not one's own.
As the injured party , are you totally blameless or innocent?
Are you that perfect that it was not because of you that your spouse strayed?
Only you can answer that question or someone would tell you the truth.
Judge your own self first before you judge others.
For further readings;-
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/08/13/the-other-woman/
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/05/26/will-u-leave-or-%e2%80%a6-stay-and-accept-your-husbands-mistress/
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/05/14/will-u-or-will-u-not%e2%80%a6%e2%80%a6-become-somebody%e2%80%99s-mistress/
...............................
A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (21 May 2008):
I think you have every right to feel the way you do towards the other woman, but it sounds to me as thought you are directing all the blame at her and none towards your husband.
You say also that she blamed you for getting in the way of her relationship with your husband, when in actual fact your husband is the villain of the piece all round.
He is the one who had the affair at the end of the day. Who knows what he told her?
I think you should forget about her and start dealing with what your husband has done, repairing your marriage and moving on.
Good luck x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the annonymous poster who gave me a perspective from the "other woman" - it was interesting to read what you wrote and it really was of help. I know it must be difficult to be open about such a situation.
My husband has actually told me that the OW was always extremely jealous of me and anything he did with me...and would complain and try and get him to "spend quality time" with her...so she could show him how much nicer than me she is no doubt. I know that she sees me as "the bad guy" in this whole situation...., my husband to some extent but in her mind she doesn't think what she did is wrong at all. She would ask him to take off his wedding ring before he came inside and it is like that made his wife, newborn child and life with us disappear.
When I first discovered the affair my husband was planning to meet her to discuss a couple of things - I said I wanted to go too. It was not to scream at her or cause a scene....it was so she could see me, see that I am a real person, a good person, that I exist. I think she fooled herself for a long time that her selfish behaviour wasn't hurting anyone.
I have come to realise that I will probably never fully understand ANY of this - least of all her. I also know that I can never expect her to have insight into the pain she has caused me...she won;t allow herself to as it means owning some part of her that is so horrible she can't live with it. So - I do not actually desire any contact with/from her.
I don;t think I will or could ever forgive her - like someone suggested I should...as a woman I cannot understand how another woman could do such a thing to me, or even to herself. I guess time will tell, in the meantime I will just treat her like she treated me from now on - like she never existed.
Can I ask - do you regret what you did? Have you looked at why you entered into such a situation? Have you learnt from this? Did you ever apologise to "your man's" wife? Did you even feel you should? Did you believe he was going to be with you in the end?
I hope you don't see this as an attack on you - I guess I am just interested in your perspective.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys - some food for thought. I know I have to let it go and that she is not worth me wasting time thinking about. I am going to try very hard to focus on the here and now - and a bright future!! My husband and I will deal with any contact the OW may make IF/WHEN we need to - you're right, I risk damaging an already fragile relationship further....and that's what she wants!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Don't know whether this helps but I've been the other woman - and I was as obsessed with his wife as you are with your husbands affair. The thing is, like normal, my man chose his wife. I am telling you because trust me she will be feeling a lot worse for being jilted and him deciding to stay with you. I know I did. She will also have to live with the guilt. Rise above it because you are the better person.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Forgiving your husband's infidelity is one thing forgetting it another!
You were betrayed and lied to and no matter how much information you gather about this other woman you will still never really know what went on with them, you are looking for pieces of the puzzel so you can see the whole picture, but you never will.
You have decided to work on your marriage and to do that this needs to be put in the past, your husband should have no more contact with this woman at all, on any level.
Don't drive yourself crazy, what you are going through is normal, but it's time to stop, he chose you. The best revenge you can have on the other woman is to repair the damage the affair had on your marriage and be happy together for all to see!
Good luck.x
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (20 May 2008):
 If you allow this to consume you it could destroy your marriage as your behaviour will become more and more irrational and destructive. It is natural to want to know evry single detail about the relationship and the sex and also to want to know everything about the other woman. But your behaviour is almost like she is winning as she will gain satisfaction in knowing how much she has got under your skin. In some cases I would say talk to her on the phone just once and ask all the questions you need answered. In this case though I think this would cause more problems between you and hubbie because you have already stated she is manipulative and playing games and she may lie or it could end up a screaming match. My neighbour did similar things, followed her, googled her, even carried a picture of the women in her handbag and eventally went to see her and told her exactly what she thought of her. Her hubbie had already decided to stay with this women however but my neighbour seems to be very very bitter and has not been able to move on from this after 18 months so it didnt do her any good. You need to be able to rid yourself of all the negative thoughts and replace your thoughts with positive ones. At the end of the day he has chosen to stay with you and you with him and you obviously love him very much so concentrate on that every time she pops into your head, it will take time and you wont forget but it does get easier to bear with time especially if you can make your marriage work. It has happened and you cannot turn the clock back but you must concentrate on you two and get this person out of your lives once and for all. Dont have any dealings with her eliminate her permanently, change phone numbers if you have too so she cannot intrude, and is she still gets though in any way cut her off and refuse to acknowledge her x Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 May 2008):
You are only human and a woman.
When the things get tough , the tough gets going.
Here is a interesting poem for your perusal.
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
However, if there is one flaw in women. . .
it is that they forget their true worth.
~Author Unknown ~
If you want to end this episode,
you need to forgive her and then you can move on with your life.
...............................
|
