| A
female
,
*harlottie
writes: I was just wondering as i am considering leaving my man over his constant looking at pornographic images and other women lustfully if there are in fact any men out there that dont do this?Men who love thier woman and worship thier woman in a way tht no other woman could compare , head over heels in love , and thier woman being all they could ever need and want sexually?I am sick of being lied to about porn , i am starting to resent all men where previously i loved them , i am starting to get drawn into a world i really despise , a consequence of my curiosity , which only leaves me sad and with less hope than ever.I ask as a young woman of 21 with nice figure been called sexy and beautiful. I really only want to hear from males who feel this way for women they love or have loved.I just wonder if there is such thing as "forsaking all others completely" out there for me or if i should just stay with my man, miserable and brought down.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lilred112  +, writes (11 March 2006):
 Hi charlotti, i read your post and its quite interesting to me because it has occured in my relationship. I found out my bf looked at porn and i was shocked i couldnt believe he did that he didnt seem like the type of person. but when i asked him about it he constantly denied it, and i came up with a simple solution to make him admit it. I told him i like lookin at porn its rather enticing and as i went on he was like really..and i agreed, and he admitted to it.I feel like if you hide it or lie about it you have to know something about it is wrong! So i feel you should question him on what he gets out of it.All men love looking at a sexy female its in there dog nature...Thats not gonna change as much as u try to make them realize you are all they need they will continue peepin at somebody's fake boobs on the internet!! Its like a personal fantasy that they have. So talk to him bout it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2006): Question to Martini....You say.........'I get a quick release to porn, but I make love to my woman. I look at Playboy and the model and think, "She's gorgeous" but when I look at my gf, I think and feel, "I love her, and I want to spend my life with her".Dont you think your gf wants you to look at HER and say 'she's gorgeous' not some other woman???? Why do you have to seperate the gf and porn woman....Why doesnt the gf deserve ...I love her, want to spend the rest of my life with her and WOW shes gorgeous'........??????? All these three thoughts should be only of her, surely not some strange woman you dont even know??
...............................
A
female
reader, charlottie +, writes (8 March 2006):
charlottie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks phoenix, and anon, im still a little unsure of what to do , i tryed finnishing with him but he pulls out all the charm and wont let go. but knowing there are "good" men out there for me will help me alot x
...............................
A
male
reader, Phoenix +, writes (6 March 2006):
I suppose that I am one of those few guys that do not look at pornography at all, ever (and even go as far as block out any of those kinds of ads that can be seen on some more obnoxious websites). I've only ever had one girlfriend for 5 months (I'm 19), but before she broke it off (incidentally to be with someone who does look porn), I loved her with all my heart and soul. Honestly, I feel it is horribly unfair to the girlfriend if the guy looks at porn. I can't even imagine how she feels.
As to where you can find guys who do not look at porn (which is what I think you asked), I can only speak for myself. I know that I am very very shy and (especially after the nightmare that was my breakup and its 3-month aftermath - constant fighting with my ex as she tries to force me to come back to her) even a little scared.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2006): Hi, I'm the anon who said her Guy dont look at porn (sorry if this is a bit late havent been on comp for awhile!)
But i suppose he is quite a quiet guy, He has a mixture of female and male friends who he see's occasionaly, generally at the pub type thing, but spends quite a bit of time with family or with me! :) Tho his bro is a TOTAL porn addict (which we find both disturbing and amusing for his total lack of tyring to hide the fact!) which in some ways may make my guy see how demeaning it can be and how its such an empty thing.
I think it just comes down to the individual guy. I can see how some woman would rather their men view pron than go cheat, but also agree with you Charlottie in the fact that just coz they cant do it with us the odd time, shouldnt mean they question their fidelity anyway! I guess i'm lucky that my guy choses me over it! :)
Hope you make up ur own mind too, this post has ben interesting viewing!
...............................
A
female
reader, charlottie +, writes (3 March 2006):
charlottie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks anon, what you wrote makes sense , and has eased my mind somewhat, thanks
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): I am the anon reader, who said the men in my life 'don't' view porn. I really can't tell you 'why' the two partners in my life, didn't/don't view porn. I've really thought about your question where you asked "where the 'non-porn' men I know hang out, what their hobbies and interests are?" All I can tell you about, is my own 'personal situation'. My past/current partner, my sons, all know my stance on porn (as said in my first post). The 'anti-porn' issues were calmly discussed and boundries were respected, right off the start of my relationships. It wasn't that way all the time. I will say, I did date a man (for 5 months) before I got together with my current partner. Eventually, it became evident this man really like his internet porn. As viewing porn was not an option for me, I walked away. He made false promises he would quit-but I made the decision to end this, anyways. I knew I would never believe him again. After that, when I met my current partner, the discussion of porn did come up. He told me 'he wasn't into porn'. I was very doubtful and wary. But I thought, let's just see. I waited and watched closely and quietly, until he proved his trustworthiness, by actions/behaviours, communicating openly, discussing feelings, core values and really, really getting to know him. Your question made me think about 'why' my past/current partner/s, have/had no interest in pornography. What found out, actually surprised me, as they do have many similarities. Such as: Both men did have many interests and hobbies. They always keep/kept busy! Both did not have an interest in computer activities..in fact, both of them rarely sit/sat at a computer.I think their backgrounds and family life contributed greatly to their character traits. Both men came from closely knit families where the core values, unity and bonds were strong and still are, to this day.Both had excellent role models as parents. Both were very bonded to their parents and both had Mothers and sisters, they had/have incredible 'respect' for. Both had very loving, strong fathers who insisted all the sons uphold to a high standard and respect the females in the family. Both have parents, that have been married 40 years plus and still going strong. The sense of committment was extraordinary.Are the above pointers important? I can't speak for others but, I believe they are important and it worked for me. I do know, it comes down to 'doing your homework' when you come to choosing a life partner. And being true to what your beliefs and your ethical values are. So, reader, I have no idea where these 'non-porn' guys are. But I do believe, there are many of them out there. You just have to find them. All I can say, is when you choose someone to be in your life, you watch closely and observe. But choose a guy who respects you, repects all females, is loyal to the core, has a kind, giving heart and he shares your beliefs. Don't settle for anything less. You may have to go through a few 'bad apples' to find the best one..but in the end, it will pay off.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 March 2006):
 You really need to identify why you have issues about porn. And then when you understand why look for the sort of guy you want in your life.
This may sound crazy but you cannot really identify what *type* of man (or woman) uses porn just by looking at them, or finding out were they hang out or what there hobbies are! If you could then you would be able to spot abusers, serial killers and all sorts of crazies coming form a mile away. I am sorry but there is no happy test to check for porn usage before you get to know somebody.
But this leaves you in a very vulnerable position doesnt it? Because by getting to know somebody you are allowing your defences down, and by doing that you could be involved with a porn user and in a realtionship with them before you know it.
Have you thought about joing a local church group, or looking on the internet for any sort of anti-porn groups? I am not being facetious, just trying to come up with ways for you to meet like minded people.
I hope you find what you are looking for.x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): HiI am the anon with the brothers.Sorry to disallusion you, but out of all the men I mentioned 5 have degrees and one has a doctorate. Theirewives are all very well educated too, so insinuation about *circles they move in* wont hold any water.Porn is *normal* if you want it to be part of your life. If you dont then dont go for a partner who likes porn!! Simple as that!You cannot change or mold another human into what you want them to be as that is just plain unfair. If a human being wants a release as it were, sometimes sex is not convienient, or is just too plain slow......I truely hope you get the guy you are looking for, I am sure he is out there somewhere.x
...............................
A
female
reader, charlottie +, writes (3 March 2006):
charlottie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionafter reading the last 2 posts, i wonder if much of it is to do with the circles you move in , id be interested to know the anonymous poster who said that the men in her life dont look at porn, where the men she knows hang out like what thier hobbies and interests are?
to the last anon i really would rather my man used me! than used a "w**k mag" or had an affair! why does it have to be one or the other?
why would a man imediatly seek to have an affair if they couldnt get their hands on porn, is that not saying that when it boils down to it men are incapable of true love? or incapable of being faithful without the use of a dirty mag,which is seen by many as being unfaithful anyway. this is what im struggling with , id like to think more of men than i do right now, id like to think that thier are men out thier worth respecting.
thanks anyway
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2006): I have 5 brothers and three step brothers, all admit to using porn occasionally. My husband uses porn occasionally. They are all normal and welladjusted men. The sis-in-laws I have questioned have no problems with porn (of the normal variety) and three of them state that it helps their sex lives a little by giving them ideas and things to try....There is so much negativity about porn on this site, but it is not all bad. I would rather my other half used a *w*nk-mag* than went off to have an affair!!And as for the men who forsake all othere, these blokes are normal, not into anything remotely dodgy and have healthy sex-lives.I think a lot of the problems people say they are having come from their own low self-esteem.My opinion, so take it or leave it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2006): Just some thoughts to share. My past partner and present partner, my brothers, my sons-all of had/have NO interest in porn. So yes, there are many, many men out there, that do not view porn. A message for the men who do view porn, you need to understand how your actions cause resentment and pain in the women you love. The realities of porn are not easy for women to face. I can’t speak for all women, but judging by a lot of these posts from women, it really has nothing to do with insecurities or jealousy. It's more to do with the degradation of how pornography portrays women and their sexuality. It's painful for us, knowing that the special man in our life, actually likes to view this garbage. In porn, women are reduced to three f**kholes, just 'things'- mere body parts that sexually stimulate men. Women are not even considered sexy or human in porn but mere objects, simply things to be penetrated. Personally, I feel incredible empathy and sadness for the women who are in these films. Just the fact that they allow themselves, to be treated in such a way. Some of these poor lost souls cannot fathom that their images will be forever imprinted on the internet, magazines, etc. How sad for them..when they have to someday, explain this lifestyle to their husbands, in-laws, and children. For men who view porn...what an incredible disappointment. I imagine it is not easy to come to grips with this, in a world, in which women must learn to retain some dignity and a healthy sense of sexuality. As for porn addictions, anything can be addictive in the wrong hands, which is the clearest proof that many addictions are a choice as much as a need. I feel if a man views it occasionally, he's just curious. When a man has to view it daily, he's addicted! Just thinking about the psychological implications of an addict's mindset.. is scary and very, very pathetic.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2006): Hi there,Just wanted to add that my guy doesnt look at porn either. He says he doesnt need to as he has me :)I wouldnt agree with him viewing it though as it would feel like cheating in a way, the time and energy one would have to use could be that time and energy with me and i'm lucky that he feels the same too! Just so you know that there are guys out there who aren't addicted to the stuff and have a normal (prob even slighter better than normal!) sex life.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (27 February 2006):
 in my opinion you dont have to be conservative to feel bad about your partner looking at porn, i think the feelings are more about feeling replaced or cheated on or jealous , its a naturel reaction that people are entitled to feel.
its a shame that most the males that post on this site regarding porn seem to very outspoken for it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006): My hubby doesnt look at porn. But then my hubby doesnt have a bloody sex drive and we have sex once a year!I would kill for a problem like an over sexed husband!!!!!!I agree with Martini.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (26 February 2006):
 Dear Charlotti,
I know there are men out there that do not do porn, I have one. It took 25 years to find him, and he is faithful with all his soul and heart to me.
Before him I thought all men looked at porn, checked out other girls, flirted with other girls, texted or emailed other girls, held onto old relationships, or even cheated.
His past spoke for him, or all his past girlfriends did. I requested to meet them before we got too serious and he located and introduced me to all I wanted, and each time gave us space to talk. Not many men can have their past do that for them. They all still to this day speak highly of him. Then years ago when we got married, they all came to congratulate me.
They are out there and they are worth the wait. They are what mom's and dad's like to call marriage material.
...............................
A
female
reader, charlottie +, writes (24 February 2006):
charlottie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your answers, emotional reading ,
i am not dreaming of life with another, i am dreaming of a better life with the man i love, martini, i feel you didnt really have energyto reply but thats ok because i know there are men out there that do but i would love to know if there are ant men out there who dont,
man! after reading this site i am more depressed , i mean how many of us women are there out there?!
...............................
A
female
reader, radika +, writes (23 February 2006):
MY MAN INVITED HIS MATE AND WIFE FOR FEW NIGHTS TO STAY OVER,NEXT MORNING MY FREIND DISCOVERD THEY WERE LOOKING INTO PORN PAGES,FOR ME I KNEW MY MAN WASNT INTO PORN,BUT HER MAN IS,AND SHE HAS A PROBLEM LIKE ALOT OF PEOPLE WOULD,SHE FEELS HE MIGHT BE CHEATING ON HER,I FEEL THE SAME BECAUSE HE DOESNT THINK THERES ANY HARM INTO WATCHING PORN.IM WORRIED THAT HE MIGHT BE AN INFLUANCE ON MY MAN DOES ANY1 AGREE WITH MY WORRY?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): It's just porn, whats the problem? Its not asif the women are going to take him away from you is it? really think about it, its fantasy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): This is so tiring... In another post, I made this reply:--Before my gf, I looked at porn almost every day, just to get the release you know what I mean? After getting more and more steady with my gf now, porn viewing has cut down to about once a week or less, and I only masturbate when I am really stressed or I just want to have a quick release of pleasure. Please note that I don't love porn. I love my girlfriend. To some women, this may seem like I am emotionally cheating on my gf, but please note that this is a quick mental stimulation - like having beer, it's a quick physical stimulation. Guys like me look at porn and treat it like a product you get off the shelves of some store. Cigs, beer, porn, arcade, etc.I get a quick release to porn, but I make love to my woman. I look at Playboy and the model and think, "She's gorgeous" but when I look at my gf, I think and feel, "I love her, and I want to spend my life with her".However, if it really upsets my gf/wife that much, then fine, I'll stop, but please note that though it's a 'minor' detail, she just took away one of the things that give me a quick amount of pleasure. Personally, it's fine. Just don't take away WoW (online game)! Hehe... 8]--Lying is bad and shouldn't be tolerated, but porn in itself? For f**k sakes. What's up with the insecurities - the super conservative mentality?!
...............................
A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (23 February 2006):
 Hi charlottie and Lisa 01, I have battled with this porn issue since I allowed the internet to be installed.
I was in hospital when we got the internet, and by the time I came out he was addicted so much so that he resented my return from hospital as he knew i would not allow him to be up all night surfing then going to work sleep deprived.
I too hate it and it is the only really thing in our relationship that hurts and gets to me.
We have had major rows about it and he has lied about it, been furtive about it and basically shown all the signs of someone with an addiction.
I have had to take stock of the relationship and weigh up the good with the bad, I have set down ground rules and these are:-
He can only go onto it when me and my son are out, he can not download or print off pictures, he cannot join sites that require payment for membership or to view (we have a joint account and no way am i paying for this)
So far this is working, I am still not happy but it is a compromise that I can live with.
If you are getting to the stage were it is making you ill and you have no financial commitments or children then walk away, finish it or you will loose your dignity and self respect and for certain you will begin to hate him and the relationship.
If walking away is not an option then try the compromises, they may or may not work for you but you will not know until you try, if he will not agree to compromises that make you happier then really the relationship is already over and you should be telling him so.
There are lots of women and some men who are struggling with the issues of porn and it is one that is only getting wider due to more easier acess to porn via the net.
Good luck but remember if you are unhappy you cannot expect it to get better on its own you have to stand up for your self and put things right, you deserve happiness as much as your partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): I guess it depends on where your insecurity really ends, and what you expect in a relationship. I would argue that your post leaves insufficient information to determine whether this truly is "emotional" cheating -- which in and of itself is something debatable (as the correlation to a man's "emotional/mental" infidelity could be a woman's need to confide to others in confidence).Men often look at pornography, women often dream of life with another guy (as you are now I'm sure). I also suspect he hides and lies about his use of porn as he fears your unfair reaction. Our society puts us in these situations daily, and asking to hear about other people leading this idyllic life in this post is a great example. Will you really be better off with another man? Are you "foresaking all others"?Getting past the issues raised here will require you having a strong enough bond with this man to ask him to be honest, and to voice your concerns; not to judge him for caving in to natural instinct and to realize your own shortcomings.Sorry I didnt fit the mold of those you wanted to hear from, but based on the provided answers I thought you might want to know that there is infact another side.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (23 February 2006):
Your feeling horrible because your being emotionally and mentally cheated on. Porn is just another way a person can cheat.
Every cheater wants you to believe 'everyone is doing it' but that is a lie. The only way a cheater can change is if he or she recognizes that they have a problem and get counseling. Your choice is to stay with a cheater or not the choice is just the price of your soul and happiness.
The good ones are out there, but they are getting harder and harder to find.
...............................
A
female
reader, lisa_01  +, writes (23 February 2006):
 Hi, this is not any advice as im in the same situation and i feel totally the same, i am also starting to recent my b/f and even finding myself falling out of love with him because of this issue and being lied too, please help us understand.
...............................
|
