A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I am one mad girlfriend this morning but I don't know if I can be bothered to fight. I just want some advice on the best way to handle this. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years and had arranged to spend this weekend together. We went out for the day yesterday and whilst we were out my boyfriend received a text from his close friend about his birthday night out, that night. My boyfriend had completely forgotten and didn't want to cancel his plans with me or want to go out and get drunk as we had plans for tomorrow day. He text his friend apologising but saying he wouldn't be able to make it. His friend got very angry and caused an argument. Saying many people had let him down and how my boyfriend is supposed to be his close friend, in the end my boyfriend gave in and said he would go. I was gutted that our evening was now cancelled but not angry as I understood my boyfriend had no choice really. I witnessed his friends angry text messages. In order to keep the peace on both sides he said his condition of going was that he would drive and not drink, therefore he could leave when he wanted and not have a hangover for our plans today. I really appreciated this. However, just before my boyfriend went out he said how did I feel about waiting up for him, he wouldn't be that late and would come and collect me. I could then stay at his and he would take us for breakfast in the morning like we had planned. I said I would do this as long as it wasn't too late, he promised me it would be around 1am. When he asked me it was already 10pm, so waiting 3 hours was not too long in my eyes. I text him at midnight to double check it was going to be 1am as I was starting to get really tired. He text me back 45 minutes later saying it would now be 1:30 was that ok! This was in 45 minutes time so I said yes fine! At 1:15 he text me to say he was leaving to drive home for the 20 minutes journey and was dropping his friend home as well. I text him straight back saying 'have you left to come home?' And then text him three more messages which I received no reply so I assumed he was driving. I got dressed and sorted some things to take to his, however 50 minutes later I received a text from my boyfriend saying they had bumped into people they new and got talking and now they had walked to get something to eat. They were only now on the way back to his car. This was at 2:05 am. I was angry as I had now been sat waiting for him in my clothes with my bag packed. He had promised me 1am, then 1:30am and it was now past 2am and he still hadn't left or dropped his friend home. When he initially asked me I stated if he was going to be later than 1 I would not wait up, he told me it wouldn't be. He new I was sat at home waiting for him, I had text him telling him I was tired and double checking it would be that time still, so he had every chance to tell me it would be later and to go to bed. My boyfriend text me to say he had got in at 2:40am. I did not go down his house as I was angry, tired and let down. This morning I'm shattered and I still feel annoyed that he new I was waiting yet didn't make the effort to keep his word and leave on time. I don't know if I want to fight and ruin today but I want him to know that last night was not fair.
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female
reader, Amiye +, writes (8 September 2014):
This is very frustrating and I understand your anger completely, he was very ignorant for staying out past the time you agreed and he is a pratt for this, however if he got chatting to friends and was having fun the night would of gone faster then expected. Express your annoyance but don't be angry and ruin your day! One day you might miss a date with your boyfriend or be late and he will of course forgive you to!!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 I think you and your boyfriend have to be more realistic when making plans.
Birthdays happen the same time every year and if this friend is indeed close then surely your boyfriend should have known about the get together and accepted or declined the invitation long ago.
You should not have agreed to have him pick you up afterward, especially when alcohol was going to be a factor. Whether your boyfriend was drinking or not, his passengers were and people tend to dawdle after a party. On top of that was the hour. Your boyfriend would likely have been tired by then and really shouldn't be on the road.
Don't make plans on someone else's birthday or other big event if that person is someone whose event you'll be expected to attend. Arrange to meet much earlier in the day or evening and not late at night after a party.
This was forseeable and avoidable by both of you. I wouldn't turn this into an argument but instead use some foresight to prevent this from happening again.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (7 September 2014):
 You write: "...but not angry as I understood my boyfriend had no choice really...."
OF COURSE he "had a choice".... and he made a poor one. Let him go.... he doesn't give a darn about you.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (7 September 2014):
 A friend of mine recently went through something like this with her bf. He promised to show up at her place at 9:30, but ended up delaying. At 12:30 when he still had not shown up, she texted him that she was going to bed and to not bother coming over again. She did not get angry with him, but the next day when she saw him, she told him in a nice way to not to that again. It's about setting boundaries for what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment, but it has better effect when you are calm. Since that talk my friend's bf respects her time. You are right to be upset, but as the other aunties have advised, cut him some slack for this one transgression. When you have calmed down, have a talk with him and explain how he should have handled the situation with regards to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 September 2014):
 To be honest your evening with your boyfriend was doomed to failure the moment he gave in to his friend's wishes.
It was unrealistic of your boyfriend to believe he would be able to do both, celebrate with his friend, and catch up with you later in the same evening.
He probably hated having to disappoint you in the first place, and hoped being able to meet up later would make up for it .... but we all know the best laid plans of mice and men are apt to go astray .....
Cut him some slack. Ask him next time somebody invites him to a celebration or boys night out that he responds either yes or no in plenty of time.
If invites are issued when other plans have already been made he needs to let the inviter know he wont be attending. That way his friends wont be able to lay a guilt trip on him .... he will be able to quite honestly say "I told you on Thursday I couldn't make it due to prior plans".....
I think you both need to put this down to experience, and accept it is okay for plans to change sometimes, he did the right thing by his friend, and also wanted to do the right thing by you ... its just unfortunate it didn't work out the way he thought it would.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 September 2014):
 You may think that anger promotes change but I don't thinking fighting changes anything. He knew you were upset. It all comes to if you can cut him some slack and let him be a man sometimes. If he has 50 friends and does this regularly then his priority is not the relationship. If it's just once in a while then I would let it go. You can tell him you would appreciate if he does not make promises he could not keep.
Your anger is probably from not seeing him much. At your age I would not expect you to have your own place and living together but at 5 years still having to arrange meetings like it's booking an appointment, I can see how it's frustrating for you. It also depends on what future plans you have together. If you sound angry it just makes him shut down. Men making women wait is their talent, and they expect women to wait and not waiting only makes you impatient and needy as if they are such a prize that you should be ecstatic if they happen to have time for you. Of course there are men who take you more seriously. Your anger needs an outlet but the more practical way to solve this is to look at the big picture and plan for the next few years.
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