A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need to ask a complete third party about this because I can't ask anyone I know.Im feeling horrendous guilt and I don't know why I do the things I do. I really don't.I have a good career and 14 months ago I started a new job and became very close friends with someone I work with, we like exactly the same things, we laugh at the same things etc etc (yes, all sounding very generic)any way, one night after work we were both walking to the train station after going to the pub with work colleagues, we ended up kissing, and it felt amazing, It has never felt like that before, anyway, after it happened I got on the train and we text each other saying it was good but it must never happen again as he is married.YES married.God I feel awful just writing it.Anyway, I always thought I was someone with good morals and always, always said I could never cheat on someone and never dreamed I would get into this situation.Anyway, over the next few months, we became closer in friend terms and told each other about our pasts etc and we became best friends (I told him about my previous relationships, for example my ex breaking my nose and pulling a knife on me)Anyway 6 months after all the flirting started we ended up sleeping together, no we weren't drunk, and yes we knew exactly what we were doing so there really is no excuse. This has happened a few times since for example last weekend I drove to his house and we had amazing sex.But when I stop and think about it I just can't believe that Im doing this. I mean what kind of person am I?How is this going to end? If i end it now before anyone gets hurt, i have to surely?Im sorry to go on its really difficult to explain what's going on in my head. Growing up I had this image in my head of falling in love and getting married and him loving ME and no one else for my entire life. and yet Im doing this to another woman that has the same dream. How dare I? How fucking dare i???I dont feel anything emotionally wise for this man other than friendship and if he was single I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with him.So is this going to come full pelt round to me when Im in love? When Im getting married will I be stood there thinking are you going to sleep with someone else?Why am I such an awful person to have got myself into this situation?The wife has posted her wedding pictures up on a website and I was sat looking at them just crying I cant believe I got myself into this situation.Please help what should i do?why did i do this?what kind of person does this make me?am i ever going to be 100% trusting in a relationship?will anyone ever love me and never cheat on me?do we have the ability to be with one person for the rest of our lives?Im really sorry this is long.please answer some of my questions, or send me some abuse, i deserve it.
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, flirt, I work with, kissing, married man, my ex, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mike??  +, writes (23 October 2010):
I have a question for you ? I am married man who dated a divorced women on & off for 4 years. On many occasion we talked about moving in together. Until the day she told me she was pregnant and she gave me a choice of moving in with her or loosing her forever? I told her I was not ready to do such a thing until we had proof the baby was mine. She got so mad she packed her bags and moved to Mexico. She called me on November 27,2008 from Mexico to tell my son had arrived. I wired her money twice to Mexico and after that I did not here from her until Dec 30,2008 saying she was in California but without the baby. I asked her why and she could not bring the baby with her ? she said she could not risk getting the baby sick until he got older. So, a year later I get a call and was notified the baby was here. I got to meet a little chubby baby with a big head & long curly hair like me. I fell in love with the kid on that moment.So,for eight months I would get to spend time with the kid once or twice a week. I also gave the mom $ 400 to $600 a month in check or money orders or I would purchase supplies with my debit card. Until, I asked for a paternity test and I declined to give her anymore money. The mom would no longer answer my calls or answer my text messages. So, I did what any carrying or concerned father would do investigate. I reached out to the grandmother of the child and discovered the child was not hers but the sisters child. Also, the grandmother guaranteed me her daughter could not have kids because she personally had taken her daughter to get her tubes tide because she was tired of taking care of her kids and raising them while the daughter worked or went out at night and would abandon her kids on the weekend. The question was why would a women due such a thing or did I deserve it ?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): You might not feel worthy or feel able to be in a REAL relationship. Ask yourself - can I have it all to myself?
If so, get out there. Your burning daylight.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): I really feel for you. I am a married woman who had an affair with a married man 9 years ago. It ended and now 9 years on he contacted me again. We are both still married and were going to embark on an affair when he suddenly backed off. I am devastated but think it is the best thing that could of happened. Sorry to state my problem but I think it is all relevant as this is a similar scenario. You will ALWAYS be the "other" woman. The sex will always be "No strings". He will be calling all the tunes and all the shots. You seem intelligent as I am or at least I would like to think I am. I think I have had a lucky escape. I think that unfortunately women are drawn to nasty pieces of work when maybe their husbands are nice guys. Maybe we kind of miss the "Jack the lads". My advice would be that you end it and I know it will hurt as even no strings sex means feelings are involved and anyone who says that is not true is not telling you the truth. Sex is a very emotional thing probably more so for women than men as that is how we are programmed. I hope that you will be strong like me and look forward and not back.
...............................
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (15 September 2008):
 You sound very remorseful, but you should beat yourself about it and bring down your self-esteem.
SPELLING CORRECTION: I MEANT YOU "SHOULDN'T"
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Dear Poster
Okay, so you feel bad and guilty and you do realize you have done wrong; now stop being so hard on yourself; we all make mistakes; the secret is to LEARN from our mistakes.
STOP seeing him; Explain to him how you feel and ask him to respect your wishes. (If he does not, if he is giving you difficult time, tell him then you will have not option but to inform his wife, then he will back off);
Stop all contact with him; even change jobs if need be.
Be kind, loving and forgiving to yourself; Stop this negative energy towards yourself immediately; that will not change what happened; LET IT ALL GO: put it behind you!
NOW, this very minute.
Go stand at a mirror:
and tell yourself that you are setting yourself free from this man and all feelings towards him; that you are free and clean from all negative thoughts and free from all guilt; that you regret what you have done and that you are LETTING GO of all the old feelings; that you are RELEASING IT ALL TO THE PAST; (repeat this a few times)
THEN
tell yourself how much you love yourself and that you forgive yourself; embrace yourself and tell yourself that you are a good loving person and that you welcome lots of love and happiness in the future.(repeat this a few times)
Please do the above, it might sound silly but trust me it does work.
I sincerely hope that you will feel better after this.
Best wishes and remember keep SMILING.
Please keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (15 September 2008):
You sound very remorseful, but you should beat yourself about it and bring down your self-esteem.
The important thing is that You know this is a mistake and to learn from it.
You have to end the relationship NOW. it's not worth the pain you are feeling. It's not worth ending someone else's marraige.
We all get weak and make mistakes.
I'll try to answer your questions the best i can:
"what should i do?"
END IT, AND NOT CONTINUE TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM
why did i do this?
YOU GAVE IN TO TEMPATIONS, AND WE ALL WANT TO DO WHAT FEELS GOOD. AND KISSING HIM FELT GOOD,..SO THAT LEAD TO SEX. WE IGNORE WHAT WE SHOULD DO..AND WHAT IS RIGHT.
what kind of person does this make me?
YOU ARE NOT EVIL OR BAD. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE A GOOD HEART, SO DO THE RIGHT THING BY THINKING ABOUT HIS WIFE
am i ever going to be 100% trusting in a relationship?
TRUST IS A BIG THING TO MAKE A HEALTY RELATIONSHIP
IF YOU DON'T HAVE THAT, YOU DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP
SO YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO TRUST AGAIN
will anyone ever love me and never cheat on me?
OF COURSE SOMEONE WILL LOVE YOU, BUT YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. AS FOR CHEATING, IT'S UP TO THE TYPE OF MEN THAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE WITH
do we have the ability to be with one person for the rest of our lives?
I THINK WE DO..IF WE FIND THE RIGHT PERSON. That's the hard part.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 September 2008):
 To make things extremely simple, words are simply words. Actions are the defining measure of your character and THEY are what will define your future destiny. So? Not to many choices there. Leave him. Rationalizing an affair or slapping yourself with guilt won't improve this situation. Remove yourself from the equation. No good came come from this situation. Forgive yourself and move on. As long as you learn from your mistake, it's happened for a reason. If you don't recognize it as a mistake, then all you are back to is rationalization and guilt.
A person can go a year without sex, but they can't go a day without one good rationalization...
;^D
Thoughts become words,
Words become actions,
Actions define Character,
Character becomes Destiny.
Take good care of yourself with the decisions that you make for yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (14 September 2008):
 Having a thing with a married man has No Future. Sorry hon, but his wife is the "Main Entre, and you are the desert."
If he were to leave his wife for you, who is to say that he wouldn't repeat this situation with some one else on the side? Once a cheater.... always a cheater.
Ya sex is grand, but it could be because he is "the forbidden fruit"
You have to put an end to this... You are very young, and there are plenty of SINGLE men out there.
No you aren't a bad person, you are just tangled up in a big mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Recognize it, correct it, learn from it, don't repeat it.
xxx
...............................
|
