A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a serious relationship with a guy a year back, for four months, and it was the sweetest days of my life! I really loved him sooo much, but unfortunately it had to end there, casue i was forced to split due to various reasons. We split while we were both very much in love, and it took me long time to accept the fact that i can NEVER get him back, and even he is living with this HARSH REALITY. Anyways....Its a year now, and i am over it. My character has changed ever since and I'm very mature now I cant be very sweet and romantic now. Its like i have lost that sweet part of me forever along with my 'Ex'. Anyways, whats gone is gone! amd i am married to another man now - A marriage that is devoid of much emotions. My husband loves me very much and i am being a very dutiful loyal wife to him. The problem is, everytime my husband uses sweeet words to me, or tries to hug/kiss me, i am reminded of my Ex. Though i am over my Ex and i DONT WANT to go back to him, i am just reminded of him, and i feel very guilty for that. I am a very moral person and I feel that i am cheating on my husband, My husband doesn't deserve me. I just wish i had a clean past for someone as good as my husband. But at the same time, i am only able to be a very good loyal wife to him, BUT JUST NOT ROMANTIC. I feel bad for my husband that i am not able to be romantic to him. I guess he is feeling sad.. but i don't know what to do. I CANT FAKE ROMANCE RIGHT?? Its like i am living like a machine!.. plsssss help. i don't know what to doooo....!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): You view your husband as a second best, because you think of the ex instead of him . . . because you view your husband as second best. Do you see how this is a self-perpetuating cycle in your mind? This second-best view of your husband will feed on itself. Your perception of him will keep spiraling farther and farther this direction even if he does nothing different. A deceived lover is never going to be put as high up in your mind as the "other man" no matter who is really better.The first step to heading it off is to lay the cards out on the table to your husband. Your view of him cannot stand a chance of matching your beloved memories of this other guy if you always view your husband as blissfully unaware of what's really going on. Another issue is that you're not even playing fair in the first place. Your husband might never match this other guy just because your get to edit your view of this other guy into a highlight reel in your mind. You are matching your current 24/7 existence with your husband against a bunch of carefully picked memories of the other guy. How do you expect your husband to match that? Between the handpicked memories of the ex, and the spiraling bad perception thing that I talked about above, you are totally stacking the deck against your husband in this comparison before he even starts to compete.
A
male
reader, wolffbreakk  +, writes (14 May 2009):
You need to talk to your husband about this. I realise it's something you might be afraid of or your worried of his reaction but by the sounds of it, he really loves you and I'm pretty sure he's also willing to accept that your only human.
Speak to your husband about this and get it out of your system. Tell him your telling him this because you trust him and you need him to hear you because it's just eating you up. You will most likely feel better if he understands you and accepts that, and at the same time dosen't stop loving you for it (Which I'm certain he won't)
You guys sound like you have a nice relationship. Don't be afraid of honesty- In the long run, it's the ground of a solid foundation for love.
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