A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I broke up with my ex girlfreind about a month ago. My ex (who i still care for deeply and love very much) was sexually abused as a child by her father. This has affected her in certain ways in her adult life and made relationships very difficult for her...Now please believe that she is not a complete charity case, she is a very strong person, she is smart, funny and good willed, she is a fantastic person, however... in a relationship at times she can be very,very difficult and unfair... believe me at times it was tough and I had to learn to be patient, she insisted that I keep the relationship secret from my flatmates and made me lie to them about where i have been, one time i didnt lie to my one flatmate and told him where i had been, i told my ex and she wouldnt speak to me for 2 days because of it. My ex is is such a private person all of thses things i can put up with because she is a fantastic person, and i truly care for her. ... anyway we broke up becuase i lied to her. we never had sex but i told her i wasnt a virgin when i was, this lie she took real bad, i was truly sorry for it and it was just my insecuritys that led to this, i never wanted to hurt her,i have never lied to her about anything else.. I Was truly heartbroken because i do really care for her, i was extremily worried about everything and within the first two weeks i tryed to ring her but she would not even give me a chance to talk to her, she wouldnt even let me explain.. she had repressed me just like her past memories, this crushed me, she was accusing me of things that were not true, calling my whole character into question.... when somone you truly care for does this it hurts like nothing else. Those first two weeks il be honest nearly broke me, i could not eat or sleep and i felt i could not talk to anyone.. anyway after 2 weeks i could not take it anymore and I talked to my flatmate(who is female) and told her too much, i told her about the sexual abuse..to be honest after i told her i felt a little relieved however the next day I woke with a head full of regret, my freind I do trust and she is mature, i believe she will not tell a soul, i told her that this is the most important thing to me in the world, she understands, she told me not to tell my ex because it is just not worth it. i wish i could take the words back and not tell her...anyway me and my ex are starting to get back together, i really love her, i dont want to cause her pain, i want to look after her, i understand how things have affected her and I am patient and caring, I feel we have a conection, something i can not bear to lose, I will always respect the physical side of the relationship and I want her to grow.. I want to do things right this time... So here is my dilema... Should I tell my ex who I want a serious relationship with (I would like to spend the rest of my life with her) the truth that I told? I think it will hurt her so much.. I will lose her... I dont know what to do. Should i just keep it from her? please help because i am so full of guilt and worry at the moment..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 Your ex is stressing you out and you need someone to talk to. What you're doing was you were confiding in a friend to feel better, but not spreading rumors about how messed up she is. There is no reason to feel guilty at all. She is not aware that she is controlling you in order to avoid getting hurt because of the past. If you want her to grow she has to accept everything that happened, everything she's feeling, instead of shutting part of herself off. However, this is her life and she has a choice to open up, or to numb her feelings to protect herself. If it's the latter, you have no hope of having an initmate relationship with her. A guy with an abused wife in this forum waited until he's in his forties to ask us if his marriage was worth saving because they haven't had sex for like forever. You don't need to tell her you told your friend. It would not help anything at all. But she needs to know that you are walking on eggshells around her. You need to show her a new way of living. She is panicking over small things, that has nothing to do with people wanting to hurt her. You are making yourself sick by not eating or sleeping well. You have to be her model. Can't let fear control every aspect of your life.
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