A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Before my current girlfriend and I got together, she secretly had been sleeping with my best friend for 6 months. The three of us had been very close friends for two years, and the two of them became friends through me. I will admit right now that I waited entirely too long to "make the move" and start an official relationship with my current girlfriend. Everyone had suspected we were dating for some time, but we always told people we weren't--which was true. Although we had been physical together, we'd never slept together because I didn't want to be forced into a relationship...I was extremely busy and stressed with my 2nd year law school workload, and I was still quite emotionally attached to my old girlfriend (my first real, true love as an adult).Around January of last year, I went through some very tough personal and professional times. I reacted by retreating socially and buckling down into my schoolwork. Apparently, my current girlfriend (who was not yet my official girlfriend, although we acted like that in many ways) was tired of my mixed signals. She and my best friend started sleeping together, yet they both went to great lengths to keep it from me. After a month or so, I started suspecting things, but she never admitted anything and did her best to dispell my suspicions. In fact, when it was just the two of us, she would be very flirty and physical with me; the problem was, I could see that she had the same flirtaciousness with my best friend. I asked her if I was being replaced, and she said in very absolute terms: 'no'.Unfortunately, we continued to grow apart, mostly because of my suspicions and latent jealousy. In April, I finally became fed up with my anger and jealous feelings. I confronted her and demanded that she tell me, once and for all, whether something was going on with her and my best friend. She admitted that they were sleeping together, and when I told her I was in love with her, she broke down crying. She said she was in love with me, too, but that she and my best friend had "become the functional equivalent of boyfriend and girlfriend" over the past semester.To make a long story somewhat shorter, the next month was terrible. On two different occassions, she "decided" to be with me, and claimed to cut my (now former) best friend off. However, both times, she then backtracked on her word and started hanging out with my friend again. She said she couldn't start "the most important relationship of her life" (meaning: with me) while she had unresolved feelings for someone else. In May, I left town for 2 months for an out-of-state job. Before I left, she told me she needed some space from me to figure things out. She wanted to let things with her and my best friends work themselves out--on one hand, to see if she wanted him over me, and on the other hand, so she could start a relationship with me fresh and new with no regrets.While I was gone, I realized just how much I loved her. I take full responsibility for my part in what happened--I should have been more open and honest with my feelings, should have acted much sooner, should have not sent her mixed feelings. Fortunately for me, during my two month absence, she realized she loved me too, and we started a very serious relationship. We love each other very much.She cut off all contact with my former best friend and apologized to me for not telling me the truth sooner. She said she kept everything from me because she didn't want to jeopardize any possibility of being with me in the future. Unfortunately, I have not gotten past all the anger, hurt, and betrayal I felt last semester, particularly last April and May when she dropped me twice to go "figure things out" with my friend. I also am extremely bitter about their sexual relationship, especially since she and I were physically intimate (although not sleeping together) at the same time. Moreover, my anger towards my best friend has, not unexpectedly, morphed into a deep hatred. We have not spoken in 6 months. However, despite my intense hatred for and anger towards him, I do miss our friendship. I realize it will never be the same and that friendship as we knew it is probably unattainable, but I also don't want to graduate (with both of us moving our separate ways) and still have all this hatred for him. My girlfriend and I are very serious and plan to get engaged one day, but I need to fully forgive her before I do that, and for that to happen, I need to start forgiving my former best friend.Did my former best friend act like the dispicable traitor I see him as, or should I recognize that his actions were a result of me not making a timely move on my now-girlfriend? I really want an apology from him, and I want him to admit he treated me terribly. Am I justified in that?Also, I still have some issues trusting my girlfriend. She has done everything right since we got together, and I can tell she is truly sorry for deceiving me in the past. But is that enough? She says what happened was in a different time and that she would never do that to me now that we're together. But a part of me is afraid because I will always know she has the ABILITY to do those things...Please help. I am ready to put this situation behind me once and for all, but the ghosts of the past continue to haunt me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tend to agree with that, which is largely why I am having trouble moving on. I said to my girlfriend that she had to have known how wrong it was to do what she did and that only a devious, dishonest person would be able to live so dualistically for such a long time. In her response, she said looking back at that time makes her feel like a reformed drug addict: she cannot deny the things she did, although it feels totally alien and incomprehensible to her today. She further said she was lonely and hurt when I retracted into my schoolwork and pulled back from her and my friends, and that she only looked to someone else because she thought I'd never want her as more than just a friend. I can understand that, but it doesn't explain the lying and deception.
I've done my share of things I regret, and I do not want to be a person who carries anger, suspicion, and grudges forward with me. If you are right and they did effectively cheat on me for six months before we were technically together, is this a forgivable offense? Should this be "strike one," so to speak, or is this a relationship-ending transgression? Also, should I try to bury the hatchet with my male friend? I am tired of being angry, but don't know if there is an alternative.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): Forgive but not forget.What they did was scummy, but it could have been worse.The root of the problem seemed to be that none of you sat down and just freaking talked about it. You might have found that the 'friend' was probably just as taken with this girl as you.In which case it should have been decided 'mates before dates'.But everything seems to have worked out in the end and all thats left now is to mend the friendships. And the first thing YOU need to do is trust your girl.She might not live up to it, but she deserves a second chance. As does the mate of yours.But make sure its clear. Anything more than a casual friendship between the two will be considered base treachery and will be dealt with in the most severe way.In the end all you can do is give them the second chance and see what they make of it and try not to feel too bad whatever happens.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): First off, "different time" my arse. Your gut is right. She's capable of it and don't you forget that. I don't know what to think of this one except your GF and your male friend were creeping on you. I guess we could argue and discuss whether or not they technically owed you the real story at the time, but the realistic answer is that these two "cheated" on you for all intents and purposes. She might not have been announced as "yours" at the time, but they both knew damn well that their sexual relationship was totally hitting you below the belt and they chose to do it secretly anyway for a long time. If it walks and talks like a duck then call it a duck.
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