A
female
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anonymous
writes:Are there other 40-something women out there who have fallen out of love with their long-term men, filed for divorced, or moved on to someone else, only to repeat the same pattern of boredom or apathy in the next relationship? I am on the threshold of filing for divorce from my husband of 20 years because I feel like I simply do not love him anymore and do not desire to be with him, have no sexual chemistry or interest in working on the relationship and counseling really didn't help us because you can't create chemistry out of thin air. I've never been terribly attracted to him, but he's stable. Unfortuneately it's not enough anymore. Are there any other women who have gone through this, and did you stay? Or did you leave and regret it? I need some advise before I screw up my life. I'm terrified of being alone.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): i'm in the same situation with my wife after 20 years of marriage/ there is no chemistry, and am wondering if there ever really was...the bad thing about it is not only did i mess up my life, i messed hers as well... my advise to anyone is be sure before you get married that this is person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 I am the "40" something, but didn't marry quite so young, actually at 25 and divorced at 30 due to his alcoholism, however, much of what you have said, I have done. Meaning, I have gone from one alcoholic to another..never married again, but you get the picture. Then, three years after the last...you could say I took a breather to really see what's "wrong" with me...I dug deep inside and realized when I got married, and don't laugh..was because for all my teenage years and early 20's, I was "Looking for love in all the wrong places"...I never got any attention or words said to me (I love you) from my Mom and I wanted to hear them so bad. Many guys I dated were "users or players"...and I got played. When my ex came along...you could say I grabbed at it...only to be hurt again but in other ways.
Thoughts...you and you only can answer if you really want to work it out, and if you want to rekindle that spark from when you first got married. If you didn't have it, but married for the sake of getting married...that is hard to get when you never had it. However, if there was "something" about him that really intrigued you, you can, but only if you want..and it is a choice, not a feeling..that comes in time...to have what you once "may" have had. Children...if you really wanted children you still can. If he doesn't there is adoption to consider..just a thought if you do divorce. Chemistry...I believe that can be brought back in to any relationship, however again, it is a choice. First, you would need to start again...kinda like dating, but if you cannot enjoy the things that you would be doing together, that makes it really hard...it should be a give and take where both want to make each other happy and enjoy what each like. If he doesn't nor wants to do the things you like and it's always him him him...then, he might be all about him, and you should and deserve to do not only the things you like, but for him to see things 50-50.
Anyone going through a divorce is scared and worried of the "unknown". If you do decide, you will just need to plan on things being yes different, but where you can manage and enjoy your life as being single. What ever you do decide, may you be happy with your choice, because really, that is all that matters.
Good Luck to you....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Hi,I feel sorry for you as it must be hard reflecting on 20 years of marriage and realising that it has been at the very least emotionally disappointing.Perhaps you need a good talk with your husband over your concerns, you sound as though you are ready to quit, tell him this, it might just lead him to be more willing to try harder. A lot of men just amble through life taking things for granted and only wise up before it is too late. Your husband might appreciate being given a second opportunity. At worst he will ignore your feelings but in this case at least it will make any decision to split easier.By the way in your 40's you've still got plenty of living left in you, so you should never view the potential fear of loneliness as something to keep the relationship going.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to the two "annon" posters. Your answers were very helpful. I will take what you said into consideration as I move forward with my life. The other couple of posters, like Waterloo Sunset can go to hell for lack of compassion or a brain. I'm not sure which. Thanks again!! xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): I dont know why people have been so harsh in their responses. I think your question was well asked and you just needed advice. It is not easy to end a relationship after 20 years, so it is clear that you are not a "selfish bitch" as you have already given him 20 years of your life!
I think if you have no feelings for him anymore, feel like a roommate, have no children, then i dont see why you need to stay. You need to recover your life as soon as you realize its over. You seem to have tried to make it work (eg counselling) so its not as if you are giving up without a fight. I applaud you for being strong all this way, but now its time to move on and live your life. Try and be alone for a while, without any men, and perhaps that could help you learn more about what you want, and live for yourself instead of others.
Good luck xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor you information, I gave the best years of MY life in this marriage too! I was always there for him and spent a good chunk of my hard earned money helping him achieve HIS dream of having a show-car, and a three-car work-shop so he can do the things he enjoys. I have over the years, attended countless car-shows with him, much to my boredom. But I thought that's what marriage was all about. We have always known how to be kind to each other over the years and do nice things for EACH OTHER but I feel more like I'm living with a roommate, not a sexual partner. So you can all get off your asses, I am far from from being a selfish bitch. Perhaps I didn't give YOU enough information. I also never got the chance to have children because he never wanted them. In return, I got a husband who was a good provider, but seldom ever talked to me or opened up about a single thing going on in that brain of his. So we have been emotionally disconnected for years. I've tried and tried and tried to tell him what I need but he cannot change. So I've been going through the motions of being a supportive wife for many years, only to find that I cannot do that anymore. Dr. Phil was partially right in saying that I may have married for the wrong reasons at 19-years old because my mother had just died, and I was needing some kind of comfort and stability in my life so you can site me for being young and stupid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): I got married for all the wrong reasons when I was 21. Ten years later we divorced. We had nothing between us. Mistakes happen and we both knew we had made a mistake. We tried counseling and that just showed us it was time to move on with our lives. I have enjoyed being single and I've learned to rely only upon myself for satisfaction in life. I'm responsible for my own happienss and happiness is a choice. If you can reach this point, you won't repeat the same mistakes again in your next relationship. You must realize thought that this takes time - at least three or more years. I took 15 and I don't regret it for one moment. Of course, once you realize that happiness is a choice, do you need to divorce? Good luck and much happiness for both of you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Hi! I have to agree with Uncle Phil. Poor bloke! What happens the next time around. You know it takes two to make a marriage work, so what are you putting into it? what have you put into the past 20 years? Why did you marry him in the first place. I hope he never reads this, because if that was me i would be wrecked at the fact that i had thrown away the best years of my life on a bit of a selfish bitch. Sorry to be a bit blunt but he has feelings too. I also pity your next VICTIM!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): Perhaps you married him for all the the wrong reasons in the first place - he was a stable sort of guy, but not attractive to you, you've never loved him like a wife should love her husband, and you were terrified of being alone. Not enough good reasons to get married. At the time, any man was better than no man as far as you were concerned.
If anything, I would say it's him that should be divorcing you!
I pity the next guy you've got lined up.
Phil
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