A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am wondering if anyone can take a little time to help me with this, I'd be really grateful as I have no family to ask for support or for feedback. After eighteen years of living with a binge drinker who was abusive to me, I have finally plucked up the courage to end the relationship because I have realised I am emotionally and financially dependent on him. To cut a long story short, we are living in my flat, for which I still have a mortgage. During the time that I have been with him, I have developed a form of chronic fatigue meaning that I get colds and flus a lot- almost every week- and, when stressed, find it totally impossible to sleep..for example if I get a job for a day, even though it is something that I love and want, I can't sleep the night before because I get so anxious that I won't be well enough to do the job well. I am, however, managing to change careers and starting to work in the field that I truly love, things are really looking good in that direction but it will take a while before any real money comes my way and for my confidence to really grow. So far, I have been able to work around my illness and have only been able to do it because, in an attempt to save our relationship, he has payed for everything and, to be fair, given me a lot of practical and emotional support because at times I have felt very insecure about myself (ironically often due to the way he has treated me) or just plain ill and weak...however, nothing he can do can take away the fear that I get when he goes out for a drink...it has been very extreme and I have been through hell with it. I know when he leaves that I will find it difficult emotionally purely because I have become dependent on him.I now have to decide whether to sell my flat or to stay put and try to keep hold of it. I would have enough equity after sale to buy a very small, not very nice place for cash, and not in the area that I love living in and have been in for years and think of as home...but am genuinely worried that this would make my illness worse because I'd get depressed...I am not so young now, and don't know if I can take this extra stress. Or I can stay in my beautiful flat for which the mortgage would be manageable if I could get more work in my field and for which I could possibly build a work-place in the garden and so save renting a work place as i currently do - this would save me a huge amount of money in the long run - but for which I have no way of paying at the moment, apart from very minimal income when I do get some paid work. I am really reluctant to claim benefits and don't know if I would be eligible for help with my mortgage - it seems you can only claim this if you are on income support, which you get if you have a very small weekly income...my income is very sporadic but very well paid when I do get it and I feel fairly certain that I will get more. I have no family at all except my grown up child who is still at college but not living at home and no friends in a position to help me financially. I have given up asking doctors to help with my condition and am trying to cope alone by doing graded exercise to get better and by reducing stress. My feeling is that the stress of the relationship along with bringing up a child and working in very stressful jobs that I hated, with no family support at all, have made me ill- but mainly because I was so determined to make something of life that I forced myself to carry on - life has been one very long struggle as a result of my own determination, with a lot of worry. I feel that, if I can have a period of relatively stress free time, I will be okay and will get more work. My flat is very lovely and it would take me years and years to buy one like this again because prices have increased so much...what do people think I should do? Play safe and buy something for cash or try to struggle through for a while longer? I should say that, when I bought my property, it was an absolute wreck that people thought I was mad to buy, but now everyone says I am mad to sell because I have brought out its potential. Do you think I should try the same thing again even though the property market is a lot tougher? Or would buying a wreck just make me ill? I am very worried about this and haven't been able to sleep for the last week because I feel afraid of making the wrong decision. My partner (soon to be ex) has offered to help but I feel so guilty because he has honestly paid for so much in the last year or so, not just for me but my child as well...and he will have no-where to go to when I ask him to leave.
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confidence, depressed, insecure, living at home, money, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 Seek professional advise, speak to a medical professional about your illness and speak to a financial adviser about your financial plans.
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