A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm in a bit of a dilemma. Although I am very happily married to my husband, We have just found out we are expecting our first baby. The dilemma is because although we are married almost 4 years, and pregnancy is more than acceptable at this stage, I have just been recently been bereaved by my mother whom has had a very long battle with cancer. I have not grieved for her yet and therefore, I am resenting this baby that I would probably long for but just not this soon. My gp has asked me to accept this as a blessing but I'm afraid of the emotional consequences that I may experience at a later stage during pregnancy. Also, I am afraid of telling people that I'm expecting because I don't want to be judged. Your help and any advise would be much appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Cáilín-Deas  +, writes (18 June 2012):
Thank you all, know its quite some time since I posted my question but my baby has arrived and I'm feeling so much happier now than of what I did back then. I really appreciated all your replies. Take care xx
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (25 August 2011):
 Why should people judge you for having a baby?
Having a baby is about the most positive, life-affirming thing you can do right now - not just for you, but for your mother. Don't tell me she wouldn't be over the moon about having a grandchild. I'm sure she would. And even though she isn't here in quite the same way now, believe me, this is something she would love you to do.
You do need help with the bereavement, because you need to understand that in the same way that your mother has gone somewhere else now, it is only the same place that your baby has just come from. They are out there in the darkness somewhere, whether waiting for their time to be alive, or departing after their time has passed. It is the same place, I am sure.
My father died. I now have a daughter who is the image of him. From the moment she was born, I pretty much stopped missing him. I feel like I have him back now, as she is so much like him. This is how we are comforted in the loss of a parent. We are comforted by the children that follow.
Let this comfort work - let it do its job. Your baby is also part of your mother. Love your baby for this. Through loving your baby, you are also loving your mother. And your baby will be real, and here.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 The saying goes 'when one door closes, the other one opens. Fate took your mom to stop her the pain of cancer and blessed you with pregnancy.dont be selfish, dont resent dat litle life inside you, its a blessing! Goodluck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): i would go to your doctor and tell them how you feel they will probably refer you for counselling to talk about how you are feeling also if you are having a baby girl you could maybe call her what your mum was called
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 You are allowed to grieve for the loss of your mother. It is very sad that you cannot feel joy in your pregnancy, but that is just a fact in your life at this present time. Grieve for your mother now, and when your baby is born, then you can have feel the happiness that your mother would have felt when you were born. You won't feel guilt, because that's not what your mother would have wanted for you I'm sure. The baby will fill in the cracks in your heart with so much love, that you will find peace. And if the baby is a girl, you could consider giving her your mother's name. Grieve for your mother, your pregnancy can cope; women are tough. You can concentrate on the baby when its born. Keep healthy. You will get through this very sad time in your life. xxx
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (5 August 2011):
Hi there. There's no need to feel guilty that you are pregnant, simply because you lost your mother and haven't properly grieved for her as yet.
You have done nothing wrong.
The reason you do feel guilty, is because falling pregnant is a very happy event for anyone, however it has overshadowed the grief you would have felt by losing your mother.
They coincided, that's all.
Perhaps you could actually talk to your passed mother as if she was in the room with you. And in actual fact, family members who have passed away are always with us, even though we can't see them anymore, they are around us in a spiritual sense everywhere we go. They only leave us in a physical sense, not in a spiritual sense.
They are always with us in our hearts.
Just talk to her, telling her how you feel about losing her and that you also feel guilty about being happy being pregnant, which upsets you greatly and you don't feel at peace with the world right now because of it.
Naturally, you will do this when you are alone - if your husband is out of the house at the time and you're there on your own - so you can take your time with this process.
I know a lot of people who have lost a loved one and they continue to talk to them at any time of the day or night, every single day. Especially with immediate family - spouse, parent or sibling.
If you can find it in yourself to do this, I believe it might help you to reach a place of complete peace.
You might think that to talk to someone who is deceased, that they can't hear you, but they can hear every word you say.
Another way you could do this, is when you go to bed at night, and before going off to sleep, just lie there and speak to your mother in your mind silently, and tell her everything that you are feeling. A bit like a prayer, except that you are talking directly to your mother.
It will help you to find closure on these negative feelings you've been experiencing.
You need to do this just as soon as you possibly can, so don't delay it a moment longer.
The feelings you are having which are very stressful, could affect your unborn child and could even cause a miscarriage if you don't address this issue soon.
I wish you well in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Why would people judge you - lifes all about arrivals and departures
My advice would be to seek bereavement counselling asap so you can enjoy your pregnancy - 2 major life changes in a short space of time plus hormone changes - its no wonder you feel as you do - losing your mum is awful for anyone but she would want you to be happy now
Take care & Good Luck x
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