A
female
age
26-29,
*ecca241996
writes:’m unsure whether I’m being naive here or over dramatic, hopefully you can help. I’ve been with my partner 3 years this year. I’m 25, 26 in January and he is 24, 25 in January. I’m at the point in my life where I feel like I’m ready for children, as ready as I’ll ever be at least. Ideally I’d like to have been married before children, or engaged to be married at the very least. Me and my partner have had conversations about this and I got the impression he wanted the same. In the beginning of the relationship (the first year) I got the impression I wanted marriage and children more than him. However after my partner received a life changing diagnosis he told me it had made him realise that life was too short and that he wanted both of these things fairly soon. I got really excited and thought finally it’s happening. Ever since then it’s just as if he’s forgotten what he said and just reverted back to how he felt before. I really want children fairly soon ( I’d like to be pregnant within the next year) again I’ve had conversations with other my partner about this and although he has never seemed as though he wants this as much as me he said he would compromise with me and if it happened he would be happy. This worries me a little as I think he should be just as excited as me to have children and shouldn’t have to compromise am I right? I think this could backfire and he may end up resenting me. In an ideal world from being small I’ve always wanted to be married young and have children young I’d like to have had 2 children before 30. My mum had my sister just after 30 and both of them almost died due to the risks of pregnancy after 30. I’ve also just lost a fair bit of weight which really took some doing, I’m aware it is easier to lose weight before 30. I’ve always wanted to get married from being little every girl dreams of that ‘fairytale dream wedding’. I’d love my own little family unit. Also me and my partner have had so many issues with my partners mum in the last year especially since his diagnosis. She’s proven to be very controlling, manipulative, she’s said some very horrible things to me. She tried to completely take over when my boyfriend was in hospital both times, It was like a big competition of who could see him first, especially during covid, she used the ‘I’m his next of kin’ excuse. I have previously posted a question about this. My partner has had my back during this with his mother although it crossed my mind whether I should stay in this relationship for both our sakes and also for my mental health’s sake. I thought I wouldnt put up with this from my own mother so I don’t know why I should from his. At the end of the day as horrible as she may be she is his mum and she isn’t going anywhere. I just don’t feel as tho I deserve to be treated the way she has treated m. My mental health has seriously deteriorated due to his mother, I’ve been put on some anti anxiety mediation and also had to seek therapy. Going back to marriage and kids situation, I’ve no idea where I stand with this I’ve no idea if it’s something he wants or wants soon whenever I ask all I get is ‘eventually’ or he just gets annoyed. What do you all think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): I don't think that you are being realistic. You just roject your own wishes and plans, while disregarding what is in front of you.You say yourself:"I’ve always wanted to get married from being little every girl dreams of that ‘fairytale dream wedding’. I’d love my own little family unit. "Those are still childish dreams. Marriage and especially parenthood are great responsibilities. No wonder all fairy-tales END with a wedding. Girlfriends, wives, partners, come and go. Husbands, boyfriends too. The only constant we have in our lives, like it or not, is the family we come from. His mother is there to stay.The fact that you say that his mother is responsible for your mental health shows that you are not taking responsibility for yourself. You were put on meds because you yourself cannot deal with something. Are you sure that you are ready to be a mother? Because being a mother is STRESSFUL. All the time. Unless you have some unrealistic ideas. From your post it is not clear if you two are living together, what your financial situation is... people who live together usually list their partners as their next of kin. It's not a good idea to marry someone and/or have children with while skipping this step. His mother won't treat you any better after you get married or have kids. And if you don't now how to deal with this you'll ruin not only your life, but the life of your children. Sorry, but you just do not sound grown up. Please do not expect your kids to make an adult out of you. That is not their responsibility.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): You're posting anonymously, so I think it would be helpful if you shared what this "life-changing diagnosis" is. As Honeypie pointed out, it should be taken into consideration if this medical-problem can be passed-on genetically.
There's not much to advise about his mother. You're only his girlfriend. You don't have the privileges or rights of a spouse. Mother can say and do as she pleases. She does have leverage; because she is the woman who gave him life. She may be the reason he hasn't proposed thus far. We aren't in any position to judge her badly by your opinion and representation. She might only be reacting to her motherly-instincts and intuition; and then again, she could just be a nasty person. Regardless, she's part of the package.
You want him, you get the family that's attached!
If you want to have children, it's extremely prudent to be on the same page about it as your partner. There should be no doubtful or "iffy" areas regarding the fitness of the physical and mental health of the two people bringing a new life into this world.
Now another dose of reality. "Being happy if you got pregnant" is not the same as being absolutely certain that he is willing and ready for you to get pregnant; and that he's prepared to fulfill his role of being a father. There is more to his responsibilities in this than providing you with sperm.
You don't seem to have a firm grasp on reality. Having babies before marriage, suffering from mental-health issues, and a life-changing diagnosis for your mate are some very serious considerations.
The stability and forecast of what direction your relationship is going is particularly important; because you want to be sure you are able to financially-support your child, and the child is not being placed in the middle of a shaky or tumultuous environment. Not one where you and your partner aren't sure if you're going to make it as a couple...let alone whether he ever intends to marry you.
To put it simply, you are putting the cart before the horse. Your relationship needs to be on sure-footing before thinking about having a child. If your boyfriend's mother can drive you to therapy and meds; you better also consider the demands and pressures of motherhood. The child could have special needs as well.
You want marriage, and for him it's a big "maybe." You want children, but at this particular point in time; for him, it seems that everything is up for discussion and debate. Is his medical-issue chronic, debilitating, or progressive? He doesn't seem to be sure about anything. Yet you have set your timetables and schedules to forge ahead no matter where he stands on the situation. You are heading for trouble at full-speed ahead, my dear! Maybe this is what concerns his mother; and her actions are in desperation, not necessarily in contempt.
The child is dependent on both parents to provide a safe and stable environment in which to grow and develop. You're not even sure if, or when, your partner wants to marry you; but apparently you're willing to use him as a "sperm donor." Even if nothing more comes of it?
I'm not sure you see the big picture; or grasp the serious ramifications here.
If you want a healthy happy child, you have many things to consider here. Not just fulfilling your dreams and timetables; but making sure everything is done while carefully evaluating all the realities, and bearing in mind the future outcome of your decisions.
It's very popular these days for desperate or impatient-women to entrap men by having children; when there is no certainty of marriage. Not saying that's your case; I have no way of knowing that. Their objective is to keep him in their lives by any means possible.
There are so many unhappy scenarios that can come of such maneuvers, if you're not careful. If you have to pressure or convince a man he wants children; you're not considering the probability that he may not want them now, or ever. Neither are you considering the fact he still may not stick around or help you once you introduce a kid into the picture! He has every right to delay marriage, or having children; if he doesn't feel he is ready. It could also be possible that he may even feel you're not completely ready; based on his personal evaluation of the relationship. He could want you as a girlfriend, but not necessarily as the mother of his children. Harsh, but true.
Think about the affect and effect his mother has on your mental-health. I don't think bringing a baby into all of this is a great idea.
Your timing and the environment you're going to offer a child is more important than just fulfilling your dreams. Children are often carelessly and irresponsibly brought into this world; having to grow-up in dysfunction and poverty. All because their parents didn't prepare to make the way for their arrival; and were not capable of giving them a healthy and happy childhood.
It happens far too often. There are some guys who only want a long-term companion, or a perpetual-girlfriend. Proposals and marriage may never happen; or are plans to pursue far-off into their future. Yet they won't even come right-out and say that! Instead, they'll submit under pressure; while they quietly resent being forced to be fathers or husbands before they're ready.
The end result. They'll end-up leaving their children, and a broken-hearted single-mother behind. They'll finally decide to take a walk, and reclaim the freedom they feel was stolen from them. Sometimes those same men claimed they were glad and over-joyed when she got pregnant. An absent or delayed marriage-proposal is an indication he's not ready, or may never ask! If he's basically a sperm-donor; I can see why his mother is giving you a hard-time. Since you don't seem to see all the challenges before you. Having a child, and when, is not only your choice to make!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 April 2021):
 You say your partner has had a "life-changing" diagnosis, I have to ask is that something he potentially can pass down genetically? If so, is it even a good idea to have his kids?
We quite often do not consider this BEFORE having children. I know I didn't. And my husband's family is ripe with heart disease. My oldest and youngest had heart murmurs, the oldest totally outgrew it by age 3 my youngest occasionally still has a slight murmur but the doctors say she is fine.
2 of my nieces have heart issues, one had to have surgery at age 25, she is now OK.
That is why I'm asking about his health issue because it IS a big deal.
Then there is the BF's mom. You are being unreasonable to think that you should be the one to see him when he was in the hospital. She IS his next of kin. SHE is his mother, YOU are the GF. You can't make a medical decision for him, if need be, SHE can.
If she "hogged" all the visiting time, that is selfish but as a mom myself, I'd probably do that too. Also in these times if Covid the fewer people coming to visit the better. The fewer people entering a hospital, the better.
However, if she has been treating you so badly that you had to get on medication, do you really think starting a family with this guy is the best option? I mean SHE will always BE his mom. She won't like you more because you have a kid or got married. SHE will still be the COW that she is.
Also, you have ASKED about kids and marriage ( may I suggest to NOT have kids until the commitments of marriage? It just makes sense) HE has told you eventually... So that can be 2-5 years from now. Or 10. Or never.
You might have a timeline but that doesn't mean your partner HAS to follow the same one. You have a timeline for YOUR own PERSONAL reason. You would like to have kids before 30. HE doesn't have that issue. He can make babies into his 70's. Your fertility has an expiration date, so to speak. You are not entitled to get your timeline fulfilled. He doesn't OWE you kids. Or a proposal.
I think you REALLY need to rethink IF he is the partner you want a family with or not. This is vital. Because if you are unsure, maybe this is the time to end it.
If you are sure, even with your cow if a MIL, you need to sit him down and explain why and your timeline. So he can either CHOOSE to commit or walk away.
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