A
male
age
36-40,
*aaha
writes:HiA few days back, Me and my girlfriend went into a conversation about her ex. As much as I hate to talk about him with her and I become uncomfortable about it (and she understands it very well), the very fact that she considers me not only as a prospective husband but a best friend too, so I helped her talk about it. She told some things which I wished I never heard. She was remembering the times what she spent with him, how she crossed all boundaries and defied everything.. Just for him. I could understand that (As she is my first love) yeah.. she was in a relationship and wanted it to work very badly. She even tried changing her nature (being short tempered), her attitude and every small thing which would make him happy for him which I suppose is the biggest thing any one can do for someone who love.She constantly assures me that she has gotten over it and has no feelings for him anymore. Its just that all the things which happened in her past, she remembered and she thought she'd share it with me. Everything was fine till then. I asked her whether she still has kept gifts from her ex. She said yes. I asked her to get rid of them because she will keep on getting reminded of it everytime she'd look at it. and to my shock I got an instant reply NO I Cant do that. She agreed that there are some fond memories associated with them and she dont want them to go. I was silent.. Then she also told me that she checks his profiles on social networking sites often. I was devestated and my heart sank.If she has no feelings for him and she has gotten over it and I am the man who matters to her then why would she do this. I fail to understand, why doesnt she want to let it go? I am very confused. Could some one tell me if I am being obnoxious? Why is this bothering me so much???
View related questions:
best friend, her ex, her past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): Again, I can understand your concerns. The fact that she also talked to him over the internet is another thing which sounds a bit troubling. Having actual contact is a step further than simply keeping things and checking his profile.
It must be difficult for you to know how to handle this. I suppose it is good that she is being so open with you about all this though. Maybe you could see how things go, and just try and trust what she is saying. If she starts to become secretive, or if you think things between them are growing, then again, try and address those concerns with her. It isn't really possible to know or prove how someone feels, so this could all be innocent. But just keep an eye out, and if you start to have actual proof of things, or if you feel even more uneasy about this, take steps with her to find out once again what is going on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): Thanks..
Actually while talking about it, I asked her what he means to her. She replied that she tried very hard for him to come back in her life but he didnt come. I have helped her forgetting him and helped her to move on and I am her future. She also assurred me even if I and her dont end up together, there would be no chance that she would end up with him even if he comes back and realises. She said she did a mistake by going so far for him and wished why I didnt come in her life before he did. But at the same time, she keeps gifts of him, she confessed she checks her profile and a few days back she had a chance to speak to him over the internet which she told me. I am very confused if she is just saying all that to sugarcoat me when eventually feelings for him would never go at all??
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): I understand your concern, but in my opinion any ex is an important part of a person's past and helped them become the person they are now. It sucks to think about at times, but she is going to have a lot of great memories of her exes and there's no reason you should try to make her forget these people and pretend they didn't exist.
Let her keep her momentos. And you should feel good that she is open with you and tells you of her memories and past experiences. If you love each other, then you should definitely trust what she tells you, which is that she is over him.
My girlfriend used to keep a picture of her ex-fiance and herself in her apartment. Didn't bother me, he was an important part of her life. As long as she isn't constantly talking to her ex, and hanging out with him then don't let something stupid like past memories put a stress on your relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): I think you are right to be concerned. It does sound to me like she is not entirely over her ex. Having fond memories is normal, and as for keeping gifts, well, some people do like to keep things from their ex. But I can't understand why she would tell you the things she did if she knows you are uncomfortable talking about her ex. And to check his profiles often? I don't see why she would do that if she was truly over him.
I think you need to talk to her about this, and tell her your concerns. Ask her frankly exactly what her ex means to her now, and why she is still so interested in his life. And tell her how it bothers you. Ask her to explain. Listen to what she has to say, and then listen to your own feelings. If she seems genuine, and perhaps just likes to keep up with what people are doing, then okay. But if it just doesn't feel right to you, I think you should listen to your feelings.
I really hope things turn out okay in this situation. But I don't think you are wrong to be worrying. I completely understand why you would be concerned, and this does need to be addressed. I hope things go well for you.
...............................
|
