A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my fiance and i have been together fo 2 1/2 years now and we have a very active sex life, but i'm not sure if i've ever had an orgasem. i dont know what one is he is the first person i ever had sex with so i dont know when i get one iv'e also heard that youre suposed to squirt? and i dont think i've ever done that is there somthing wrong or is it just me. i need help.
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (30 July 2008):
You don't need help, so much as you need encouragement to learn about yourself, and assurance that you're fairly normal.
I've heard that there is a wide range of how people experience orgasm. (For example, I learned that I'm a little unusual for a guy because I'm rather vocal and thrash around when I climax.) But the general belief is, "If you have to ask whether you have experienced an orgasm - you haven't.".
I think one common factor among all people is the sudden release of tension throughout the whole body. In that respect it has been compared to a sneeze, though I'd say there's a LOT of difference! Many people are aware of muscle spasms or contractions (not at all unpleasant!) especially in the abdomen and pelvis but often throughout the body. (I clench my fists and have an almost uncontrollable urge to clasp something, bear-hug style; my wife curls her feet and toes and clamps her thighs tightly together.) As orgasm ends, most people experience a period of general pleasure and contentment - perhaps described as euphoria, a "floating" sensation, lethargy, urge to cuddle or sleep, etc.
I don't think very many women squirt, though the process of arousal, stimulation, and release may make you VERY wet with natural lubricating fluids.
For many years both men and women have reported that orgasms from self-stimulation or even non-coital stimulation like oral sex are more intense, but orgasm from intercourse is more satisfying. Physiologists claimed this was entirely a mental distinction, since the stimulations are identical. Recent research seems to show there's a slightly different mix of hormones and neurochemicals released during the two processes, though nobody knows why or how there should be any difference.
Unlike guys, who almost always discover their orgasm in their early teens, many girls need to learn how to have an orgasm. There's nothing wrong with that. Although some women find it easier (less embarrassing) to learn alone, in private, others share this personal and very special learning experience with a partner they care deeply for. One of the most satisfying and memorable events in my life was the time I helped my wife to her very first orgasm. It happened about 6 months before we were married, we were both 22, and the event is as significant (to me) as our wedding night when we took each other's virginity.
The majority of women don't orgasm from penetrative intercourse alone and need some other stimulation to reach climax. A significant number - perhaps 20% or more - of women say they "never" or "very seldom" orgasm at all, from ANY source, but many professionals believe a very small number - less than 1% - of women are unable to learn how to orgasm. There is a lot of material on the 'net as well as in the public library and bookstores that teaches women how to have orgasms. Seed a search engine with "learn to orgasm" or "women 'first orgasm' " and you'll get several million(!) hits.
Some of this learning may include un-doing social conditioning. There's still some subtle messages that "proper" girls aren't supposed to enjoy sex, and not-so-subtle messages that "proper" girls shouldn't touch themselves (much less enjoy it!).
Some of the learning is making girls more aware of their own bodies. In particular, at the start of an orgasm a guy experiences a "point-of-no-return" feeling a second or two before the contractions and ejaculation. It's the last chance to consciously stop the process. Many girls feel this as an urge to urinate, so they clamp their pelvic muscles and stop the process, thinking they're about to pee.
The third thing to learn is the kind of stimulation you best respond to. For my wife, it was oral sex from me. A LOT of women have their thighs wrapped around a boyfriend's ears when their first orgasm happens. Others respond better to their own fingers on their genitals (usually not up inside their vagina), a moderately firm object (like a stuffed toy, or a boyfriend's lower thigh) pressed against their pubic region, or a stream of water (perhaps from a hand-held shower head) running over their clitoris and labia. You might require several kinds of stimulation, applied in a particular order, to make it happen.
The good news is that once you've had 2 or 3 orgasms you will almost certainly be able to respond to other forms of stimulation so it won't be necessary to have the hairbrush handle, the Mickey Mouse doll, the shower-massager, and a medium-sized cucumber on hand every time you want to make love.
I hope you can have this experience soon!
A
female
reader, dazzleberry  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 hya there, Don't worry about this, girls usually find it easier to orgasme through fore play rather than intercourse, let him no when something feels good to you and ask him to keep doing it. You really would no if you's had an orgasme, don't put to much preasure on yourself just relax and enjoy and when you do orgasme you'll no
Shine on Dazzle x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): Not everyone squirts (I think very few girls actually do). And no you have not had an orgasim because you would know if you did. You sound too young to be getting married...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): no there is nothing wrong with you. its just harder for girls to get orgasms than it is for guys.
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