A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello to all. I'll jump right to the question.I'm gay and have been with my girlfriend just over a year. I love her with my whole heart, but lately, I've not been getting what I need emotionally, and it's causing me some issues. I'm pretty low maintainance. I don't require much. But my girl and I are both in school and it just feels like we never get any real quality time together anymore. When we do, it's usually wonderful and we reconnect and have a great time. But it's just so few and far between now days. Last time, we went out of town and had a great time and got a hotel room. But that was three weeks ago. That's about the norm since school started back. We will see each other for dinner or lunch about once or twice a week, which is nice, but it's just not quality time for me. That's not really the only issue, though. To add to it, we speak every day on the phone and keep up with each other, but it just feels so blah now days. She never sounds happy or excited to talk to me anymore. I feel like old news and it's starting to get me down. I don't want to be old news to her. I don't want to become a boring couple or her wind up wanting someone else. I just feel that I wouldn't mind only having quality time every few weeks if she still sounded legitimately happy to talk to me or if she reminded me I mattered somehow every once in a while. It's just really getting to me.I tried talking to her about it last night. I let her know I was having a hard time with the lack of quality time and I really missed her. She agreed and said she missed me, too, and that it's just hard with us both being in school. I told her she sounds bored with me sometimes, and I just wanted to make sure things were okay. She swore things were great and she loved me and nothing was wrong; I had nothing to worry about. But it didn't make me feel any better. Still the same situation.I don't have many needs. I really don't. But I do want to feel important to the person I'm with. That's a necessity for me. I need more from a relationship than what I feel I'm getting.I don't really know what to do. I already communicated to her. I don't want to sound like a broken record. And I don't want to come across as needy. I'm really not. I don't want to make a big deal out of something if it's stupid or if I'm over-reacting. Help. I really don't know what to do. All I know is I feel pretty bad. :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 February 2014):
 Best wishes, I hope everything works out for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Hey all. OP again. Just wanted to follow through on the latest happening. We spoke this afternoon and I felt I really needed to communicate with her about my feelings one last time and let her know it's really becoming difficult for me. This is the first time in our relationship I haven't felt I was getting what I needed and I really wanted her to understand.I told her the lack of quality time made for each other was really beginning to become difficult for me. And that if we couldn't physically be with each other for a few weeks, than at least learning how to communicate feelings verbally, every once in a while, or just letting the other one know how we feel occasionally, was something I needed. She responded wonderfully. She completely understood and agreed. She said she's been very stressed with school and outside factors lately and she realized she had withdrawn a bit and was really sorry. She said she loves me and realizes that she needs to be more vocal and when she's stressed she tends to shut down. She said she would work on it. then she came by to see me for a bit. I think we both really needed it. Anyway, thanks again guys. take care.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 February 2014):
You're 30 years old and know what you want in a relationship. If you are not getting the bare minimum that keeps it going for you then sadly for you, it's time to say goodbye and wait until you find the next partner who gets it.
Sadly then it's time to end it with this current girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): Hey guys, OP here. I appreciate all the responses. one thing I wanted to say is that I'm not in a long distance relationship. We live 15 minutes apart. which adds to why I feel a bit put off. As euphoric 29 mentioned, I have tried to initiate spending time together, but every time I ask, it feels like I get told no. Either tonight is a bad night or I have too much homework or I don't feel well. So I've stopped asking. Being told no over and over has just conditioned me to not even bother. With the amount of time we spend together, you'd think we are long distance. I can see the confusion. But that's part of the problem in itself.As for school - she's in her under grad and I'm in post grad. Cerberus, I do get that I perhaps come across that I'm expecting too much. but to me, when you live in the same city but can't be bothered to make time, coupled with the fact that the person never sounds happy when they speak to you anymore, it's beginning to wear me down. I'm not the type of person who needs my gf to be happy and bubbly 24/7. I really don't expect that. That would actually drive me insane because I've dated girls like that. But if you aren't taking the time to see your partner, an occasional "I miss you" would feel nice. I guess that's what I'm experiencing. I feel like I'm running on absolutely nothing. I've got an empty tank and running on fumes. when we see each other, it fills back up. Or if she doesn't sound bored, it makes me feel better for a little while.Maybe I am needy and never noticed. but I've never experienced this in any of my previous relationships before and I'm 30 years old. I've had needy gf's. I feel like I recognize the difference and pride myself on my self awareness. I just want a partner who makes occasional time for me. And who can express their feelings occasionally. Thank you to all. :) much appreciated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): When a person is busy and deeply involved in their studies and/or work; they may seem a little distant, or less attentive. Don't judge others by your own abilities or personal circumstances. Our lives are all different.
As adult-students, time is limited and divided in so many ways; sometimes something, or someone, has to suffer for it.
Priorities have to be set and reset. As a college-student, I recall sometimes it was necessary for me to buckle-down, deeply immerse myself in study; and close myself off from the outside. My social/love-life became almost non-existent.
We didn't have laptops or tablets; so I lived in the library. Visiting campuses these days, that hasn't changed.
Truthfully, I dated when I could. That wasn't often. I didn't form romantic commitments; because I wanted to excel as a student. My academic curriculum was very demanding, and tough. How many credit-hours is she handing for this semester? How many are you?
Sometimes people chose to start a relationship during times they have too much on their plates. They may not be proficient at balancing or prioritizing their responsibilities. Maybe she is, and feels you're getting your share of attention. We only get one-side of the story. It's usually biased. Justifiably so; it's your feelings and your post.
We all want to look like super-heroes. Able to multitask, serial-date, and leap tall buildings in a single bound. There's always that one professor, who knows how to kick your ass; and suck out all your brain-energy. Leaving you just enough live brain-cells to escape brain-death. Then come the bills and living expenses. Trying to maintain a fixed budget; and still afford to entertain your gf/bf.
A boss who doesn't care you're a student, you're not getting much sleep, and tired of his/her ugly face. Just putting up with them; without slapping the piss out of them is exhausting.
Even if she is on full-scholarship, or a brainiac who doesn't have to study; she still has to reserve some energy to work. An achiever isn't likely to be slack in her studies. In fact, over-achievers aren't going to let anything distract them from academic accomplishment; and their goals of success. If she has to travel between campuses to see you, she's tired. She might not be all that much fun; if she is sleep-deprived.
If she's a struggling C-student, she can't afford to fail any subjects. Perhaps she needs to improve her average or maintain it, to avoid being placed on academic probation. Worst case scenario, failing and getting kicked-out.
You make no mention of your perspective academic course-loads, GPA's; or if either of you have full-time, or part-time jobs. This was either conveniently left-out to make you look less needy, or you don't really know what her whole situation truly is. Personally, or academically. We must assume you do care.
Your priorities just may be different. You center your time and attention on her, and your relationship. Maybe you're a stronger student; or grades don't mean as much to you.
You said she gives you quality time when you ARE together. You claim you aren't high-maintenance. Then what's the problem? Maybe if we asked her, we'd get a different assessment. Perhaps an entirely different story.
I'm looking at your age-group between 30-35 years old.
We're not talking about an 18 year-old freshman.
So older-students tend to be more engrossed and committed to their school-work. They don't have a lot of time; because they have only so many hours to work, so many hours to dedicate to study, and the rest is for rest and sleep.
Partying is very low priority. Thus, you may not get us much entertainment or social-activity as you'd like. If you complain and whine a lot, it will be even less.
You may not carry the load she is carrying, so you have more idle-time to feel under-appreciated. I doubt that is the case. We have no choice but to give you benefit of the doubt. It's your story. You could fill-in the blanks anyway you like, she has no defense.
If you gauge someone's feelings by a very high degree of intense-emotion, and demand a lot of busy-work and activity focused on the relationship to appease your neediness; you will quickly wear that person out. They are trying to handle their own lives, and succeed in achieving their goals. She can't always go full-speed in all directions.
There are these personal qualities extremely important in relationships, called "patience and understanding."
Maybe you're so caught up in feeling neglected and suffering from a quality-time deficiency; you never offered to help make her load a little lighter, to give her more free-time. You're just relying on all your own assumptions.
I draw this conclusion for lack of details or facts to dispel the argument.
Ever checked to see if maybe there's a lot on her plate at the moment, or maybe some personal difficulties she may feel are too private to share?
Has it ever occurred to you that her personal schedule, schoolwork, and a relationship are over-whelming her?
Maybe she has become very content within your relationship.
Her excitability and urgency to please has leveled off; because she feels no need to labor for your approval.
Regardless of the scenarios I've suggested, you said you "talked about it." I know this often means, you talked and she listened.
You took the floor to tell her how badly you feel, how she isn't making you feel less loved; and how she needs to step it up. Me, me, me, me, me! She sat quietly and agreed. She was probably quietly suppressing her resentment. Nodding passive-aggressively to your emotional admonishment. Just getting closer and closer, to dumping your needy little behind.
You talked? I hope it was a fair exchange of needs. What you're willing to give; for what you want in return.
You should never end a conversation with your partner; where both parties don't get to speak their piece. If she was too quiet and agreeable, that isn't necessarily a good sign.
You may be just so many words and complaints from being an ex-girlfriend. Sorry to be so tough. You're a student, and
I like to make people think!
You have to look at the bigger picture; which sometimes won't fit YOUR frame. I had a gay relationship that spanned 28 years. He died before gay-marriage was legal in our state. I learned plenty.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (10 February 2014):
Dear OP,
You are not getting what you emotionally need. That doesn't necessarily mean your girlfriend has to learn how to give you more. It can also mean you have to learn how to pick yourself up and have a good time without her.
Talking on the phone every day IS a little much, you know, when you're a couple for a longer time.. there's not always so many news and it becomes an obligation, talking talking talking. I know these shallow phone calls but that's normal, it's not your girls' fault. It's just that all the talk sometimes doesn't replace actually having fun together.
Do you have any other friends or is she the only person you trust? Do you have any hobbies besides school? How far away do you live from each other? Why do you only meet for diners and not spend some nights together?
My advice is to see this lack of quality time and emotional closeness as a normal consequence of school having started again. And instead of expecting your girlfriend to change things for you, become more initiative yourself! If you miss quality time - organise it! Make a list of suggestions to your girlfriend, plan ahead some weekends where you can get away, or at least spend some fun times together.
OP, I think you can solve this problem in many creative ways. Your girlfriend also misses you and the good times you had, so there are many things to do in order to reconnect. Just, accept that no matter how great and committed your girlfriend is, part of life is loneliness and frustration, no one can take away all the negative feelings for you. You need to put up with some of them yourself and feed yourself emotionally, when others can't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): I'm not getting this either OP. You say you're low maintenance yet you "need" your partner to be bubbling with excitement every time she talks to you or you doubt she views you as important? She needs to jump for joy every time and is not allowed a moment of sadness or you'll start to think she's going off you? You call that low maintenance?
I'm sorry but expecting relationships to be bubbles and fairies with no room for college stress or feeling down because she misses you, is too much to ask. Partners are allowed to feel down, OP. She has to have the freedom to be going through tough times and stress without you questioning her love for her because she's not jumping for joy every time you talk.
Maybe she doesn't jump for joy when she hears your voice because it reminds her how lonely she feels without you there?
You're in a long distance relationship at the moment, this is how they go. You do feel a bit of emptiness, you do feel loneliness and you feel sadness that you don't see them that often. You're mistaking all that for her losing interest or suddenly not making you feel important. You're asking too much OP. You're asking her to fill the hole left behind by the physical distance by acting all excited and amazed when she talks to you on the phone.
Look some people can't do LDR's, I know I can't. I feel the same way you do when I've tried, the most my wife has been away for is 3 weeks and I got to really miss her. The difference is I understand it's just the distance, it causes massive strain but you're putting this on her, like she's the problem, like she's the one making you feel this way and like she has to fix it.
That's not fair on her at all and frankly if you keep it up you'll push her away. This is your issue with the distance, not anything she's doing because honestly OP, look at what you're asking of her. Surely being excited on the phone isn't that big a deal for you. You're asking her to overcompensate when she probably feels like shit that she can't just throw her arms around you any time she needs comforting or just feel you close to her when the stress of college work builds up.
Deal with this, OP, try and make even more time to see each other in person or something or just hold out for the next few months until college finishes up for the summer. But seriously see it's the distance, not her and the ideas you have about the love fading etc. baseless paranoia from your own insecurities. You may be low maintenance in general but the distance is fucking with your head. Fight through it, OP. The fact you talk every day means she needs you, no one can possibly be happy enough 24/7 to suit what you're expecting of her now. She has very clearly told you she's finding it just as tough. That's just the LDR.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
 It sounds like you have expressed yourself well. I get how you are feeling.
I often say to my hubby "I miss my husband" when we are sitting on the couch together. He knows that's code for "we aren't connected emotionally right now"
sadly relationships that are long term like this often tend to ebb and flow somewhat in terms of intensity. It may just be that you are in a lull with it OR it may be that your GF has a lower need for that emotional bond you are missing.
It sounds to me like school is busy (are you guys working too?) If it's higher education such as a Masters or P.h.D. then it's even more time consuming and emotionally draining... for me at the end of a full day I just want to go home and veg on the couch.... maybe your gf needs more down time emotionally than you do..
she hears you
you have daily contact
you meet several times a week....
I'm not seeing a big issue here other than maybe you are feeling insecure.
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