A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 40 year old woman in a marriage for almost 20 years. I love my husband, but I may not be "in love" with him. I'm not really sure what the difference is. I had other boyfriends sexually, but he was my first real emotional relationship so I don't have a lot to compare to. He means a lot to me and I don't want to lose him. I just reread the paragraphs below and I am painting a relatively unflattering picture of him, but I guess that I am focusing more on what annoys me about him because it is human nature to complain. I really want this marriage to work.We don't have any children and part of the reason for that is that I don't have any sex drive and haven't had any for years. I went to the doctor and he said I am fine, which I figured anyway. I feel my husband is controlling (example: I bought some pictures to hang up in the house and he didn't like them and wouldn't let me put them up) and verbally abusive in that he is naturally very loud and yells sometimes. I feel he is very critical of me, my friends, and my choice of profession. He is very intelligent and financially successful and often I feel I don't measure up to his standards. He told me once when I was unemployed that I was a financial burden on him, although he apologized. He's just overall a very negative person with a pessimistic outlook on life. Sometimes that is helpful, because reality checks are needed, and his sarcasm can be very amusing but I don't like that ALL of the time. He doesn't have many friends and doesn't like to talk to the ones he has. He feels they are a waste of his time and he is past that stage in his life where he desires that (as he would say superficial) interaction. He doesn't much care for most of my friends either and he tells me as much. I stopped taking him out with me when I meet them because he was always so grouchy around them. They think he is a mean and angry person, because that's their experience with him and I often have to defend him. I admit that most of them are not his type of people (they are artists and not necessarily stable or successful) but they are creative and interesting and it makes me sad that he always has bad things to say about them no matter how true his statements sometimes are. From what I have read, these things contribute to my not really wanting to sleep with him or having desire for him at a subconscious level and I have told him that.He says he will make more of an effort to be nicer for my sake, but that overall that's his personality and anyone who doesn't like it can screw off. He says he is not verbally abusive and that just because he is loud doesn't mean he is actually yelling and that I should listen to what he is saying and not the volume level. He grew up in a big family in a Mediterranean culture that is just typically loud and his whole family is loud. Still, it sounds like yelling to me even if he's just saying what a beautiful day it is. As for him being controlling and critical he says that he has never told me "NO" but that he is allowed to express his opinion and state his care. For instance, he says he never told me not to hang up the pictures. He just said that he didn't like them and they weren't to his taste. This is true, but I feel like the "NO" is implied. He told me to go hang them up then if it bothers me, but to me it's too late and my feelings were already hurt. I feel like anything I do is wrong.He has also let himself go over the years and along with his accelerating balding (I used to love his long hair which was down past his shoulders) he has gained about 40 pounds. He dresses in jeans and a t-shirt 90% of the time and overall looks tired and unhealthy. We went to a funeral and friends he hadn't seen in 10 years hardly recognized him and commented on his weight to his face, which hurt him I know. I sometimes fear for his health. He always snored, but as he gained weight he started snoring louder and after a few years of putting up with it and losing sleep myself I finally kicked him out of the bedroom, which I feel terrible about but I need my sleep! I am a very active, fit woman who works out twice a week (and I would do more if I could!) and the disparity in our activity levels didn't matter much when we were both young and relatively fit, but as we are aging I feel that he is aging faster than I am. He does get out and do a lot of walking and other outdoor activities so it's not like he's a couch potato, but he drinks a lot of soda which sabotages the relatively healthy meals I cook for us. He knows it is bad for him, but he is addicted to it. He has tried to quit many times and it is very hard for him, but it is ruining his health. I don't really find myself wanting to sleep with the man he has become and yet I miss the physical aspects of sex. I find myself getting horny sometimes, but not for him. When we do have sex (rarely) I can't wait for it to be over fast enough and I know he knows that and it hurts him. I wish it wasn't like that. I'd actually like to orgasm once in a while, but I just can't stand being with him in that way for as long as that would take. (I have always had a hard time with that and I do not orgasm easily even by myself.) It's not so much that he's physically repulsive (aside from the weight, which he carries fairly well all things considered as he is quite tall) but nevertheless I feel repulsed when he is with me in that way. I mean, I realize my own hair is graying and gravity is taking its toll so I have my own insecurities, but if he touches me in a sexual manner I gross out. How pathetic is that for a wife to say?On the other hand, he can be a very thoughtful and sweet man with a very gentle side. He sends me flowers on Valentine's and sometimes out of the blue. He takes me on vacations to romantic places. He buys me the silly things I want to have like jewelry and cars and clothes. He really appreciates nature and the outdoors, like I do. He is very nurturing towards animals, taking in several stray cats so far, which I adore. He is trustworthy and chivalrous and often the sort of gentleman not often seen these days in that he does things like opens doors for me, lets me enter rooms first, helps me with my chair, carries all the packages when shopping, and holds my hand in public. He also does the majority of the housework, including washing and folding all of my laundry. He has helped my family through some very rough patches and they really like him. We agree on so many things: big things like politics and religion, but also little things like favorite restaurants, places, and activities. For instance, we both love art and gardens and even the same TV shows. I would say that we really connect on that level.Anyway, we know that there are problems in the relationship even though we admit that we are each other's best friends. He has taken more of an interest in losing weight (he joined a gym two weeks ago) and he says it is primarily because he feels it may help his snoring and he cannot stand sleeping apart from me. He is also trying to quit sugary drinks, although he still falls off the bandwagon. I really have a sense of optimism for his health and the future of the relationship for the first time in a while, mainly because I see a more positive shift in his attitude.That's why it just kills me that over the last 4 months I have developed a huge crush on my CPA. He is very fit and athletic, handsome, a very sharp dresser, and just makes my heart flutter in ways my husband doesn't and maybe never has. He is also very patient with me and I feel he sees me as the smart, successful woman I am. I haven't told him I have a crush on him and I know he has a girlfriend anyway. I don't want to act on this crush, but I just can't shake it. Every time we talk on the phone I feel like a silly schoolgirl. I have even tried avoiding his calls or making them briefer than they need to be and I try to avoid meeting with him if I can help it. However, I find myself dressing up when I go to see him and I even had a pedicure for the first time in years because I wanted to wear these cute open toe shoes to meet him. It sounds ridiculous to write! I am not really sure what I am expecting to happen! If he did make a move I would have to turn him down, but part of me hopes that he does notice me in that way. I have do to business with this CPA as he is the one my company chose to do business with. I can't really quit my job over this either. What I want to do is get over this crush and focus more on my husband, but I am having a much harder time doing this than I thought. I figured that it would quickly pass, but it hasn't. What do I do?
View related questions:
best friend, crush, flowers, has a girlfriend, horny, notice me, orgasm, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 May 2011):
 I think you married the wrong person. Not that he is a horrible guy and deserves no good woman. You two are a mismatch. I believe you stayed that long because it's comfortable and you feel guilty leaving what's otherwise a good man. You are still young and the world is for you to explore, after you divorce though. I don't think counselling would help because he is who he is, and you are basically wanting him to change into something he is not.
|
