A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my older boyfriend for 3 years. We've always had a rocky relationship. Lately, I've noticed a change in my feelings for him. I love him, but I want to leave him. I don't do it because I don't want to hurt him. He used to be a truck driver making about $1,000 a week. He had a nice car and his own place. I used to argue with him because he'd NEVER take me anywhere, hardly payed me no mind. One day he got into an accident with his truck and it cost him his job and messed up his leg. A month later he was involved in a hit and run (he ran). That cost him his license and car. So, times have been rough on him this past year. I don't make much money at my job now hardly $200 a week (pt). I am paying for his cellphone and cable. I give him ex ra money whenever I can spare. He smokes like a chimney and always needs a pack. He wants a new phone that is almost $200. So, the money thing is hard on me right now. He's depressed because he is unemployed. I feel bad for him. He complains about everything though, even sometimes unappreciative. I bought him a phone 2 weeks ago, he didn't like it so asked for a different one. I bought him boots, he didn't like them and asked for another pair. I feel like I have a child! I don't. Now when we speak I get annoyed and don't even feel like spending time with him. I often think about leaving him, but than I think about how more depressed he will become. :( The worse thing is, that he had to move back to his parents house and they live right across the street from me. He and I notice how I've changed. I no longer feel in the mood to be intimate with him, I only see him once a week because I claim to be very busy (he's only across the street). I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): If you are on $200pw then you should be spending wisely. But I'm reading here about $200 cellphones, cable TV, expensive habits. So the first thing to do is to be financially sensible. If you don't get the finances right, then they become a pressure of their own. A pressure you don't need right now.
So have a chat with your boyfriend. You want to be with him forever, and that means getting things set up right for the long run. Note that these chats aren't arguments, aren't blamefull, aren't huge discourses about what is wrong with the other person's attitude, are not about changing the other person. They're about solving problems in a way that builds your relationship too.
Take the cable TV. Your boyfriend is understandably depressed, so you buy him cable. Isn't that outsourcing the time he needs around friends so he can recover to a machine? What sort solution is that? In the long run, if you don't want a depressed boyfriend you need to help him get re-engaged with life. So ditch the cable. Make a list together of all the places you want to go, things you want to do, things that don't cost anything much, things you won't have the time for when you are both working full time. And then do them. Get him out of the house (his parent's house, the poor man).
The cellphone plan. Get on a cheap one, prepaid even. Make a deal -- you never ring each other. You save money by walking across the road. Well that sucks. So you make it fun by turning it into a game. Of course that sounds stupid and artificial, but it actually works. You could take each other objects which fit into each other. You could say words related to the word the person chose before. Whatever is fun for you two. Let it be a secret game, because the best couples have a "you and me versus the world" attitude (and not in a put-upon way, but in a "we're the winning side and we're doing a bit of strutting" way).
The smoking problem is tough. It *is* an addiction. So he should worry about it last (and he should worry about it, lung cancer is a horrible way to go). But you shouldn't be feeding it and making it worse to solve in the meantime.
Come at the job problem the same way. People need to work. So find some work. Don't think for a moment that all work pays money, there are plenty of volunteer organisations, and pretty much all volunteers are people that woke up one morning wanting a new start. But since you two are short of money, first look for something that pays some money without sandpapering the soul. You're not looking for a long-run career here, you're looking for somewhere to spend energy and display your skills in return for cash that the two of you can use for your other short-term plans. Eventually the lack of a career will cause problems, but when you get to that sort of issue, well he won't be depressed, so youll have fixed you current major issue.
You can see what you are doing here. You are addressing your problems head-on. Not the big problems that people can only fix themselves (eg depression), but even those you've broken down to smaller problems that two can do (eg getting out of the house). You're: (1) doing that together, (2) not letting problems get you down, and (3) making the solutions work towards building your relationship. Just the act of building your relationship together will solve some of the other problems.
In short, you're being smart about your relationship. Building it, not letting it be like a natural force blowing you onto the rocks.
And yeah, it may not work. But you'll learn how a relationship should work. You'll be an awesome partner for Mr Right, whether Mr Right is this bloke or another one.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 I think that you need to leave. You don't have to stay because he'll be upset. He'll get over it and actually you leaving might be what is needed to help him pull himself together.
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