A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have finally decided I want a divorce. It is not a decision I have taken lightly. I have struggled with it for so long hoping that we can somehow make things better.My husband is not a bad man, but he is emotionally damaged (I know why and I know how and so does he). Our relationship and then later on marriage have lasted for 15 years. I loved him, but I would be lying if I said that that was the only reason I have stayed for this long. I know that I was probably scared of being “out there”, being alone, being on the wrong side of 30 (soon to be on the wrong side of 40) and I know that I am used to being treated badly, because of the family I come from. I grew up with my dad who was eternally displeased with me. Problem was that my dad was so funny and so charming and everybody loved him… how could I have thought that something was wrong with him? It had to be me. So I was always a good girl. Best in school. Well behaved. No parties. No staying out late. He had no problems with me. His friends would often tell him how blessed he was, and he would jokingly reply that “they don’t know the real truth”… and they would all laugh. But at home the truth was that I was never good enough. And I tried so hard, so so hard to please him. How many teenagers you know who do the cooking, laundry, go shopping, iron, clean house, work and earn – whenever possible and get scholarships? He wasn’t a drunk, he was a hard worker. I would like to think that he loved me the way he only knew how and that he did the best he could. I just somehow believed that him losing his wife was somehow worse than me losing my mother. Now… copy-paste everything I said about my dad and insert “husband”. You get the picture. So that’s why I am saying that he’s not the only one to blame. I (re)created that relationship from the start. When we should have make a healthy base for a relationship, I took on everything on myself because he had it hard, because I could take more, because it’s temporary, because he’ll come around and we’ll have our happy ending. I realized at some point that I am fooling myself and tried so many times to correct the initial mistake and oddly enough my husband early on stopped pretending that he didn’t see a problem and kept promising that things we’ll change. (he’s been seeing therapists for the last 8 years, but it seems that that’s just a place to vent and not work on himself) And it would last for two days or maybe a week before falling into the same bad pattern. When I would try to remind him he would ignore me, when I would protest he would instigate an argument and yell and verbally abuse me. Off course he would apologize. My father never did.In the last couple of years I have completely given up. I stopped caring and stopped asking why he didn’t do the things we agreed on. But conflicts haven’t ceased. I was surprised at the beginning and then I understood that he was projecting an old version of me who had hopes. He initiates an argument even though I am at peace with his avoidant behavior. It sometimes seems that he’s even angrier that I just don’t play the role anymore.Illustration: Without consulting me he invited his parents for lunch. When I told him that I won’t be able to cook since I had a morning shift that day, he said he would do everything (shopping, cooking…). I said GREAT! But I wasn’t surprised when I got home from work to see that not only that he hadn’t done any shopping or cooking, but that the house was a mess! He was nowhere to be found. Just as I picked up a phone to call him, his parents called to cancel apologizing because it was on such short notice. They tried his cell but he wasn’t picking up so they called me. Needless to say I was relieved. I didn’t touch anything, left the mess as it was. And I didn’t do any cooking. Instead I took a shower and started reading. When he came back home an hour AFTER his parents were supposed to come, he was stunned that lunch wasn’t happening. It took him about 20 minutes to find a reason to yell and call me namesSo, I am leaving. That’s final. However, I cannot leave right now. We have taken a joint loan for the house we are currently living in and I cannot afford to continue to pay my share and rent an apartment; I have applied for several better paying jobs and I will hopefully get one. I have a solid CV – two degrees and a lot of work experience. What do I do in the meantime? I am afraid if I tell him that he’ll make things worse. I would love to be able to tell him and then just live as roommates for a while. I thought about consulting a lawyer as the first step. But I have no idea how to live with him before I actually tell him. I am not afraid for my physical wellbeing. But I know that he would make my life hell otherwise the moment he realizes that I am serious. I have never ever said I was leaving him and then stayed. We never threatened one another like that. So he’s bound to know that this is it. I have no idea what to do. I have no friends in this town I could go to. No family. And I need to stay here because of my work. I feel totally lost…
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Don't worry about what others will think, they don't live in your marriage. And you might be surprised how much they see that you think they don't.
And yes, family photos are definitely in the "heirloom" area. A copy/original of birth certificate, passport, marriage licence, copy of loan papers, life insurance, car papers etc. Always good to keep them safe.
You CAN do it. Even if it means staying with him a while longer while you sort things out legally. Just look at the silver lining. You will be "free" of this oppressive marriage and partner.
I saw this article (not sure how helpful it will be but maybe it will give you some ideas)
http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/money-help-for-women-who-want-to-leave-their-husbands/
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2016): I am the OP and thank you so much for your reply HoneyPie. It'll be hard to act normally for a longer period of time but I'll try to move out as fast as I can. The tip about moving valuable stuff to a safe place is great! I have mostly family photos, but I wouldn't want to risk him damaging them in an outburst of anger.I think we can put our house on sale, but it'll take time.Thank you for reminding me that these things happen... women marrying their fathers. Strange thing is, if you asked me at the time I would have told you that he was nothing like my father. ..My friends will be stunned as I never complained. I didn't go around claiming that my marriage is perfect, but I have never ever said anything bad about him. I thought that when (or rather if) I started complaining, it' would be once I'm gone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 May 2016):
I'm sorry that you are in this position.
Unfortunately it's not uncommon that women marry versions of their own dad's (good or bad) and don't even realize it till much later. So as far as that part? Don't beat yourself up.
As for what to do now.. Well, I think your best bet is to find a pro-bono lawyer/solicitor and maybe Citizen's Advice bureau .
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/
http://www.citizensadvice.co.uk/
Get your ducks in a row. Make sure you have a fire-proof box (or even better rent a bank box) for ALL your important documents, jewelry, any family heirloom or things you REALLY care for).
I'm not sure how legally, you can get out of the mortgage loan, you would have to ask a lawyer/solicitor about that. But that would be my FIRST step. Find a way to get your divorce and out of the house.
I would also consider looking onto a local woman's shelter or halfway house (if that is what it takes).
I would actually NOT tell him till you have a safe place to go that you can call your own.
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