A
male
age
30-35,
*ander
writes:I grew up with and with an overly angry father who played Ultima Online every night. When he was stressed out from work he would usually try to take it out in-game, but would often accidentally take it out on his wife and his three children.I won't hide anything about myself in this because I want to say these things to someone very badly, but I just...can't. I cannot find any person that would only listen.It was last year (sophomore year) and Sara and I were in the same 6th hour English class. She was really pretty, but she was just like any other popular girl that I knew. She was showered with friends, affection, and happiness. I envied her, even though I was a guy. I wish the whole world would come to me that way. She sat ahead of me at my four person table, I was glad that the teacher sat us this way.Next to her was a guy I knew, and next to me was a girl I knew. I had a pretty good social circle here. I usually took center stage in our meager conversations, always giving a strong opinion. She just laughed and smiled, keeping her hands in front of her mouth for some reason. I thought it was just sooooo cute.I had a crush on her, and because I knew that a relationship would go absolutely nowhere because I’ve never had an actual girlfriend, I decided I wouldn’t pursue it. On the last day though, I remembered when I was in 4th grade and had a crush on a girl…and how much I wanted to say something to her. I really regretted that decision. Would I regret this one? How could I ever approach her?I started to stare at her from across the room, since I blankly stare off into space often, this was normal looking for me. She sat at a table with 2 guys and another girl, one of the guys was taking lead over the conversation like I used to. She barely seemed interested at all, but instead scooted her chair closer to the table as if she were too far away. Was she?I looked her straight in her beautiful blue eyes and saw that she was staring not at the group she was in, but past it. Off into space. She was thinking about something…I wonder what? Now that I looked her straight in the eyes, she seemed so lonely…so alone…as if she had something very important to her rolling in her mind and that she wanted to tell someone, but no one would accept what she wanted to say. It was so sad. I wanted to talk to her about it but I was too afraid.I didn’t want to interfere in her thoughts and was to frightened to talk to her at all, so as the coward I am, I wrote her a letter right there in class.Dear Sarah, I had a crush on you this year. You’re as good as a person as you are incredibly beautiful. Too bad I wasn’t the same. Just getting this off my chest before Summer Vacation.Sincerely, xxxxP.S. If you ever want to talk to me for any reason at all, here’s my email address.That’s exactly what I wrote. I gave her the letter. Sometime during the summer, I was at a friends’ house spending the night. He has a pretty weird backyard and some neighbors. They decided that they’d wear ninja masks made out of t-shirts and start wrestling, which of course I participated in because I am a great fighter, full of rage and with the power to fight any foe. Some stuff happened, and a man came from a neighbors house and jumped the fence and chased us inside my friend’s house from his backyard. We sat talking about it and I asked who it was and he said, “Sarah’s dad.” Her father seemed to be quite full of anger. My friend told me that he is an extremely angry person who will get pissed from the slightest thing. I laughed to hide my terror. My father was the same and I had scars to prove it.Starting my Junior year, which was 3 months after that event, she was in a different class in the gym at the same time as I was. I was actually considering working extra hard…but I decided that there really was no point and that I have really low blood sugar and bad overall health anyways. All I’d be doing would be straining myself, and she probably wouldn’t care anyways. I’ve never really ‘noticed’ someone working really hard in gym, so she probably wouldn’t notice either. However…at times I noticed she’d be looking at me from afar. And I’d look at her right back. We’d both look at each other with such curiosity, but a lot of sadness.Am I afraid of getting rejected? Is that why I don’t say anything? Do I even want to be with her? I know I love her. Her eyes and actions hold the same terror and make as mine do. As such a beautiful person on the surface, it is probably no surprise to her to have people wanting to ‘hold’ her. But from her perspective…if so many people want to hold her because of what she looks like, wouldn’t the concept be very redundant? Am I just another person falling for this succubi-like interest?And Shaylee...I hardly know anything about her. I can tell that she puts on a specific persona when in front of people, which is her trying to 'fit in' just like everyone else. I have heard people I know mention things about her, such as my friend Zack, "She like...doesn't know her parents at all."She's got a great body, and a beautiful face, but for some reason she feels that things like straightening her hair and wearing colored contact lenses makes her more attractive (however she hardly wears any make-up and is a much more 'natural' dresser). During the times our group is together and she is with us (she usually comes later than everyone else) she is almost completely silent.She pokes and seems to try and force her way into the things we say (specifically ME sometimes) but I'm a gamer type who playes WoW (70 warrior with a Skillherald) and she sometimes makes fun of herself/other girls who have no idea what we're talking about. It's almost as if she really wants to talk to us, but just doesn't have anything to say.I sometimes will ask what she's doing (I guess I am the more dominant male in the group) and she'll smile and tell me, and we (actually it may only be me) have this awkward silence/staring contest for a second. Once she was dancing to some music being played in the loud speaker in the school and was dancing in a way that looked like she was doing it to show another girl but was specifically looking at me. She was on the C-Volleyball team last year (I crept through the yearbook looking for her).In my mind, I always throw what I am interested/good at in plain veiw as honestly as I can. I am not very physical, but she is. It must be hard for her to be a physical person in a group full of talkers. Her few interactions with me (once kicking me and the other time dancing) seem to be her struggling to show us/me what she does/is interested in/is good at.And uhh...during the State Fair I saw a really cute dress and bought it for Shaylee...it was more a peer pressure thing, but she wore it and made sure that I saw it. I gave it to a friend of hers' who is a friend of mine and she gave it to Shaylee. The next day she gave me a hug in the hallway...and uhhh...all I could say was...'hi.' *sigh*I wander through the halls at my school listening to my iPod, and I sometimes see Shaylee and Sarah. For some reason (why do I do this?) I pretend I don't care.But uhhmmm...I can't sit here and be in love with two people like that. And it turns out that they are both beautiful and both blonde and well...I think I'm just being superficial. It is 2:38AM right now and I have school in the morning. I can't sleep. I stayed up all night thinking about Shaylee. Sometimes I will stay up all night thinking about SarahI have almost completely lost my appetite for my favorite foods when thinking about either of them, and my loss of sleep is seen on my much more pale complexion and huge dark circles under my eyes (I am of German descent so it's very visible when I am not well) and my chest is constantly aching...like it's burning.But then what gives me the right to assume I know anything about either one of them or that anything like I feel is even remotely going on in their minds that is similiar to mine? I stalk both of them sometimes just to hear their voices or catch eye contact with them...and after I do I am almost throwing up with anxiety.I seem to go through phases where I'll deeply want to be with Shaylee or deeply want to be with Sara...it happens almost at random.When I am alone I often just with I could be staring at them. I started to really hear the meaning behind songs I used to skip on the radio. Just the thought of hearing them breathe next to me makes me feel so lonely.But then I went online and read some things about stalking, sociopaths, and the 'emotional turbulence' of high school years.I know that either one of them would probably be better off with someone else (they both have boyfriends) and that I could never support them enough to pass my own standards.I think I'm just insane (literally). I have seen every kind of porn, and am extremely insensitive about a lot of things. I made up this excuse in my mind that I wouldn't pursue either of them because I am not really in love with them and that this is just an illusion created by my constant lack of a social life and human nature.And they'd both be happier without me anyways. But wait...if that's one of my reasons for not pursuing them, then do I at least care for them? Or is that just default human compassion?I talk to myself in the mirror. I talk to my dogs. I talk to the air when I am alone. I have an explosive temper sometimes.*sigh* what's wrong with me?
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crush, porn, stalking Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Why not?? Ok so at least you know where you stand...beleive me I know how you are feeling right now....I am quite concerned you are going to do something endanger your own life and you desperately need to talk to somebody about how you feel. Mail me if you want...
A
male
reader, Wander +, writes (19 December 2007):
Wander is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI gave it a lot of thought...and made a diary of these thoughts on my PC. I gave that paper to one of them (I'll keep it nameless) and well...They're boyfriend saw it and gave it to his mom. His mother called the school and told so that her boyfriend wouldn't try anything with me.She was 'suprised'...she wrote a letter back to me. She wants to stay 'simple friends.'I am broken from this. Completely undone. I poured my soul into that...and she hardly wrote anything back to me, nor kept it.I feel like everything's finished...nothing in my life matters anymore...like something in my soul is dead now. It's how I used to feel before I met her.I am dead...again.Thank you for your responses. I seriously doubt I'll ever need this site again.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (12 December 2007):
You might want to edit it a bit...but I guess I might be too late in saying that, sorry, I had work on stuff on, let me know how it goes.
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A
male
reader, Wander +, writes (10 December 2007):
Wander is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot.
I have been told that I have low self esteem, and I never mentioned that in any of my previous posts...so you really read me like a book.
I decided that I'm just going to be completely honest. I'm going to copy-paste this whole article to both of them. I seriously doubt it'll accomplish anything, but someone who's completely honest has nothing to worry about, right?
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (6 December 2007):
Well I guess it is kind of an excuse, i suspect that deep down you are scared of rejection. Its also worth remembering that it is a valid excuse.
Bit of both I would say, them already having bfs makes rejection alot more likely but I wouldn't question your desire to help them either. Peoples emotions are a complex set of responses, some of which are selfish, some are selfless. If you combine the two reasons you have a winning case for not doing anything.
At this moment your core issue is lacking any kind of self-esteem whatsoever and that has as much to do with your unstable past as much as anything and that issue is the one that I think you need counselling for, also you need to deal with your anger which stems from the same source, i think if you work on yourself first you will slowly find forming a healthy relationship easier.
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A
male
reader, Wander +, writes (6 December 2007):
Wander is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is exactly why. I'm glad I didn't have to spend a very long time explaining.
But you see...am I just making an excuse? I've never been settled down for more than 2 years at a time with my family, so I've never had any experience with girlfriends in the past.
In fact, in regards to them, I am a complete coward. I really want to say something, but I ALWAYS find a reason NOT to. I've done this time and time again. I'm beginning to see a pattern.
And if someone thinks something about you...isn't it your right to know?
I don't know which one I believe in. Am I trying to help them because I love them? Or am I just trying to help myself by avoiding telling the truth with any excuse I can muster?
Thanks for responding so much. At this point...I really don't expect you to know anything about what my issue is.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (6 December 2007):
Very rational and commendable.....is that the real reason you cant pursue them? I think its fair to say from what you write here that you recognise you need to work on yourself and your own emotions?
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A
male
reader, Wander +, writes (5 December 2007):
Wander is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey both have boyfriends...I don't want to interfere. It'd be pretty selfish of me to crack just because I want to feel better.
Is that not rational?
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (4 December 2007):
I dont think its eccentric; I think you keep your sexual desires boxed up and portioned away from your real life thus avoiding and any kind of real intimacy; thus its a self-defence thing. To be honest I am not sure hoping it will go away will work...I think you need to start taking control and taking some action.
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A
male
reader, Wander +, writes (4 December 2007):
Wander is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was thinking about the sexual thing...and I just honestly can't imagine myself feeling that way. When I'm thinking about Shaylee I seriously cannot become aroused. As what's almost an addiction, I look at pornography all the time of many different types. I'm very eccentric about what I consider erotic.Just the thought of just staying on the surface in a relationship really makes me feel mad. I do have trouble knowing myself sometimes, but I am pretty adamant about people I know in real-life not just being a 'body' to me.But you never know...Thank you for your response. *sigh* I am feeling horrible anxiety all the time from this. My chest burns all the time, my back has a hard time straightening, I feel dizzy and irritable, and I can't seem to consistently take deep breaths. I haven't eaten all day since I wrote this, and before that I gave my dinner to my dog because I was thinking about all this. I am still awake from last night, and I didn't fall asleep for even a second today. I hope that I'll just forget about this sometime.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (3 December 2007):
I don't think you are a monster but you clearly have alot of emotional issues that need confronting and dealing with before they become worse. Obviously your past will have caused alot of feelings (anger and resentment amoung them) which it is only natural to feel. I think you find an escape in your games and your solitude too and that is dangerous in too big doses.
You need to find a healthy and constructive outlet for your emotions and at this stage I have to recommend that this includes professional help in the form of a counsellor. Your feelings for these two girls are natural, there is nothing wrong with strong emotional attachments but as always it's a question with what we do with these feelings. My gut says that your attachment to Sarah is deeper where as your desire for Shaylee is more sexual. Both of them are different aspects of what you are looking for in a partner. Stalking them is not healthy; you need to make sure your social circle is wide and try and mix solitary time with social time.
You care for both of them and there is the genesis of your own compassion and caring nature and that is a positive which may have been buried by more negative feelings from your past. You have to bear that positive in mind and let it guide you to find and make connections with other people and eventually you will find somebody who will end your lonliness. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (3 December 2007):
 You are like you are because of Lord Blacthorn's Revenge, possibly because someone incurred the Wrath of the Lich King and you have dark circles under your eyes because it is the Age of Shadows. Seems obvious to me.
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