A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Unfortunately, I am in love with my best friend. We've been really close for a year now; at the beginning of the year, we flirted all the time, had hours upon hours of conversation on skype...then, we became even closer and started sharing all our personal stories we couldn't tell anyone else. Everyone thought we were going to hook up because we flirted so much, but we never did. We kissed once during a game of truth or dare on my birthday...we'd had a couple drinks and he was all over me the whole night, stroking my leg, staying really close to me and showing off how close we were. The next day, we flirted even more than ever before and I was sure he was going to ask me out. Then, suddenly, he snapped back and went back to flirting with other people as well. A couple weeks later, we were really close again. Then, suddenly one day, he seemed to be flirting with this other girl in my class who I know he used to like. I asked him about it later and he assured me (again) that it was nothing. Lately, though, he's been very close to her and (for various reasons) distancing himself from me. We went through a tough week that put a lot of strain on our relationship and he's been keeping me at arms length ever since. I understand why he wants space, but even before that, why was he giving me such mixed signals? I told him I liked him and he said he wanted to be friends, but then what was all that flirting about? Is he trying to protect me because he thinks he isn't right for me? I know that's what everyone else thinks, but I didn't think he saw it that way. Since he stopped talking to me (we haven't been in school for weeks), is it possible he still likes me? Did he ever? He's a really nice guy -- he's always been there whenever I've needed him and, with all that he does for me, I can't help think that the flirting meant something more...how can I rekindle this relationship that I've so utterly destroyed by putting him through too much and lying to him? I've apologized and tried giving him space, but I want to know whether there's a chance for things to go back to the way they were or if I'm destined to watch him date someone else...
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Flirting does not necessarily mean interested. It's just like wearing a T-Shirt saying "I am available." Sometimes guys put on a front (aka masculine pretense) because they don't really know how to act around girls besides flirting with them. Maybe he's that way in front of everyone, until he finds the girl who makes him feel the safest/easiest to be with, meaning not too much guessing, working too hard to get that girl. He knows that if he uses that kind of body language as much as he could, then the chances of landing himself a girl is greater. There is no solid person you are in love with since you don't know him that much. Your body is playing tricks on you because you are responding to the signals he's giving you.
He doesn't control your destiny, or your emotions. You have more control of yourself than you think. He probably flirts with lots of girls, some girls may find it flattering, some may find they have wasted energies because at the end he's going to be with only one girl. The illusion is that it seems like he has many choices and that every girl is competing for him. You have choices too, but you narrowed it down so much that you can't see any other guy but him.
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