A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't really know where to start...!!! Im 24 living abroad with my Mum where she supports me in a particular sport. She is very good provides me with everything I need and its all very very expensive. for this I am really greatful to her. But I do feel shes controlling my life. I cant do anything without her permission. I cant go out with friends have boyfriends unless it suits her. However, I am a complete nightmare when I drink. I cant stop. I have one drink and I cant stop i keep drinking and drinking and drinking. I dont drink very often, but when I do Im wreckless. I lose everything, money hand bags shoes and my self respect. My mum is often telling me I am a bad person or Im selfish etc, which in some respects I am. But as a person Im very liked because Im honest kind and caring...!!! People love to be around me because I make them happy. I dont know if my mum is jealous of this or not but she always seems to critisis me. She often tells me Im pretty on the outside but not inside. Which leaves me very confused because most people think Im a really nice person. I know when I have been drinking I am crazy and dance and talk and very attention seeking. And I tend only to drink when I am unhappy or angry. I know I have a problem but what I want to know is because maybe once a month or less I do these crazy things does that make me a bad person? I try hard at my sport and take it very seriously... But on two different occasions now my drinking has an affect on my sport. Recently I was at a competition where I got very very drunk and behaved completley innapropriatly and now everyone is talking about me and there is alot of untrue rumours. My name is complete mud and I dont know how to deal with it. Ive went from being extremely popular and everyone wanting to know me and be around me to people thinking Im a whore.I always tell my mum she is trying to control me but she says shes not she wants me to take control of my own life. Everyone thinks its crazy I have to ask her permission for everything, its a hassle to go for coffee with friends, to see anyone outside of training, the only people i see is people I train with or people who are sport related. She is supporting me financially and I really feel trapped because I am so serious about my career and dont want to give up and I cant afford to do it alone.She is now telling me to go back home to the Uk and go back to working in an office because she cant handle my drinking. She is calling me a whore and all these different names because I have slept with a guy at a party. To me its not a big deal. I mean Im single, Im of legal age. i know the guy. I just feel she has double standards because she has encouraged me with boys who are completely not right for me because they are already in relationships etc. I know I have a problem,,, but Im not sure if she really is trying to control every aspect of my life or if it really is me who is out of control and she is right that I am not a good person. Its very important to me to be a good person. I try very hard to help people who have less than me. My friends all know what I am like and they say I am crazy but they laugh and just say I need to stop drinking. I am very worried about what people are saying about me now!Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): I don't know your situation fully, so I offer this advice with caution as something you should think about carefully. But it sounds to me as though she is being extremely unreasonable and controlling, and you are understandably frustrated and upset. Asking you to help out around the house is one thing - if she's paying your keep, it's reasonable that she asks for 'something back'. But preventing you from training is quite another. She is using your love of your sport and desire to succeed to bully you in an appalling fashion as if you were a small child rather than a grown woman.
In the first instance, I suggest that you try to bargain with her and return the situation to some kind of rationality. Offer to do a certain amount of work on the house - however much she suggests - but tell her quietly and politely that after you have completed this, you would like to go training. As I said before, it's crucial that you keep to your side of the bargain, so if she asks for six hours of painting, do six hours ten minutes of your best and most diligent work, then quietly but firmly go and train (even if it's just a low key run in the area outside her house). It may be that when she sees you being calm and mature, being disciplined AND helping out, she starts to relent. She's clearly angry, so don't expect immediate improvements: you may need to be a bit patient for a few days.
I do think you need to look very seriously at your circumstances and see whether there isn't some other way for you to achieve your goals in the long term, because your mother hasn't realized that you aren't grown up and you're 24 - this could go on for some years to come! It may be that you can pick up sponsorship, or short-term/part-time work that will allow you to maintain yourself instead of relying on your mother for support. Alternatively, you could arrange a bargain with your mother that she is still involved to a certain extent financially, and has certain privileges as a kind of sponsor, but that you are otherwise basically independent and living on your own. There will be sacrifices involved: for instance, you might have to take a cheap and nasty place to live for a bit so you can pour your spare funds into your sport, but it sounds like the freedom you will gain should outweigh this. It might also help your mother to see what she stands to lose if she behaves so unreasonably.
I know it's a difficult decision, and it's not one to rush into, so have a careful think. There are always alternatives, sometimes you just need time and space to see them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I totally agree with everything your saying.
Now I am in the situation she is not allowing me to continue with my sport. she has withdrawn all money the car and everything I need just to live a normal life. My brother is now living over here with us and working on her house and she is making it very clear that he can do what he wants when he wants, because he is not as selfish as me. She is doing everything she can to make him happy. He has an abundance of money, the cars, and he cant do what he wants when he wants.
She has said after my behaviour at the party my she is taking the privilege of my sport away. So now for five days I have not been training and I am stuck in the house all day with nothing to do and no car. She is insisting that I am to work on the house because she is supporting me here. But I am only here for my sport. I have told her this, I've told I am not here to work on the house I am here for my sport. But she insists this is a privilege I know longer have and I need to earn my keep.
Ive told her Im going home but shes insisting I work until i leave. I dont want to work I feel like my whole life everything Ive worked to hard for has been ripped out from under my feet. If she wasnt serious, Id just ignore it but I know she is and I really dont know what to do. I just feel like crying Im so trapped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): This is a very tough situation for you, and you have my sympathies. I suspect that many people will not understand the psychological and emotional ties that bind a successful athlete to a controlling parent: a child who has been taught to focus very strongly on one area of achievement has a very different relationship to the mother or father running the process than a 'normal' child.
The first thing to realize is that your mother is behaving the way she does because she cares about you and desperately wants you to do well. She's not trying to make your life a misery (even if she is unwittingly doing so). It sounds to me as though she is very invested in your success, and has maybe begun to equate your winning in your sport with your happiness. Conversely, your behaviour - the out-of-control but occasional drinking - sounds like the textbook response of someone who has too little freedom and too much pressure. You are not getting any downtime, so you're just going for broke when you do get a chance to relax. Add alcohol into the mix, and you have a heady cocktail there! It is important that you don't feel bad about what you've done: most people have made a fool of themselves around alcohol when they are young! It's very normal and it doesn't make you dirty or stupid or a whore or a bad person. People may be talking about you now, but they'll soon forget when the next young girl does the same thing!
I am saddened that your mother is calling you names: what she's doing is actually really appalling emotional abuse and is clearly affecting you at a very deep level. You are a worthwhile and wonderful person in your own right, irrespective of how successful you are at your chosen sport and irrespective of a couple of drunken mistakes. She has no right to treat you in this way, and it is important that, as far as possible, you keep telling yourself that her criticism is unjust and unfair.
However, you do need to stop this cycle of drinking, for your own physical and mental health, because it is not making you happy. Your performance is being affected, and it is damaging your reputation as a professional and a person. Furthermore, it's having a very counterproductive effect, making your mother distrust you and react still more negatively to the idea of you exerting some control over your life.
You have two strategies open to you. The first is to cut loose, and go it solo without your mother. You can then do whatever you like, whenever you like, without restraint. However, you may lose her financial and emotional support. It is common for controlling parents to make children feel that they are entirely unable to survive or continue in a career without their support. You need to look carefully at whether this is actually true in your case. It may be that you are completely financially dependent on her, but it might also be that, with a few sacrifices, there would be other courses open to you. So look into the situation carefully, in an unblinkered way.
The second strategy is to strike a bargain. I suggest that you sit your mother down when the two of you are quite calm, and try to have a very rational conversation about this. It will be extremely tricky, because I suspect your mother will be very defensive about the idea of discussing this subject, or relinquishing any control over your life. It is therefore very important that you don't rise to any kind of argument, but remain very cool and collected. You need to show her that you are mature, and that means exercising some patience. You can open the conversation by asking her permission to raise a delicate subject - say that it's important to you to talk, but that you don't want to hurt her feelings, then ask her permission to continue. That way, you are preparing her psychologically for a calm discussion.
First of all, I think you should tell her that the things that she says are hurting your feelings and impacting on your performance in your sport and your confidence as a human being. Allow her to see how deeply her words are affecting you. Explain that you know that you have made mistakes in the past, and that you deeply regret these. Stress - repeatedly - your commitment to your career (it sounds like her biggest fear is the idea that you will 'throw it all away' for the kicks of youth!).
You can then move on to suggest that you would like a bit more freedom, reminding her that you are a grown 24 year old woman. Tell her how much you appreciate her help and support, and how necessary those things are to you and how grateful you are, but explain that you also need to be able to grow up to become the best sportsperson you can be. It's important that she understands that your happiness and your success in your sport are not mutually exclusive.
I suggest making concrete proposals, rather than simply vague suggestions, because this will help your mother to feel less panicky about the idea of giving up some control. For instance, you could tell her that you would like to go out on Friday and/or Saturday nights, but that you will return by 12pm and not drink more than a certain number of units of alcohol. You can promise to ring her half way through the evening to begin with. Equally, you can bargain for one or two coffee sessions with your friends in the week, outside of training hours.
I know that this means that you have to plan all the time, but essentially it is important that your mother feels comfortable, and it is only by arranging things in advance, and then sticking to your side of the bargain, that you can get what you want and maintain her support. Once she has seen that you are able to handle yourself in public, to have a few drinks (but not too many), and to stick to your end of the deal, and once she realises that the leisure you are enjoying is not having a negative impact on your performance, she may be willing to relinquish more choice to you. This way, she can continue to be your coach and sponsor, but you can also strike out for an adult life that is more independent of her.
I know it's really tough that you have to bargain for freedoms that other people your age completely take for granted, but then not everyone has your talent or your unusual set of circumstances. I do think that if you are patient and sensible you can gradually obtain adult responsibilities in this way, while retaining your mother's support. Be calm, be mature, and be firm. And always remember - there is far more that makes you worthwhile as a person that your sporting achievements. Good luck!
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