A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Not sure if this is the right place for this question I am currently going threw hell with my 15 year old daughter, she's my 4 th and youngest child.She's in with the wrong crowd and whilst not involved in drugs or drinks... She's involved with people that are. At home she makes mine and my husband and her siblings life's a nightmare .. More me than anyone... She shouts she screams and actually pushes us around, she lies she manipulates and generally gives us a dogs life... Punishingly her is so beyond now as she's hit and kicked us when we've tried. I'm so embarrassed by her behaviour towards us. I love her very much but I'm so down about how she is and how she treats us I don't know if I want to be around anymore... She's even turned up at work kicking off demanding money from me... She constantly blackmails us all. Life's so much nicer and calmer when she's not her, my husband says he can't carry on like this and wants to leave, when I told her this she said she didn't care and called him a cxnt!!! My other children went threw the terrible teens and had the strops and moods but nothing like this... The other children tell us we were and are wonderful parents... I just don't know what we've done wrong... I even took her to our family doctor for a mental health check and he said she's fine mentally she's just a spoilt child.Please help... Can't bear much more of this and feeling scared every day in my own home.
View related questions:
at work, drugs, money, she lies Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 June 2016):
 I do want to clarify that all of this should be done with your therapist first - as in talking it through with them and seeing if they'll talk to her (confidentially). I do think there's definitely an underlying problem, but kicking her out isn't necessarily wrong, but it shouldn't be the first reaction; the rest of what I suggested should be done first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): I've worked with troubled teenagers and what you need is more professional help as what you're talking about is adolescent to parent violence and abuse (APVA). I agree with previous posters that your daughter could have a whole host of reasons as to why she's acting like this. An undiagnosed mental health disorder, personality disorder, a developmental disability (eg autism), a learning disability (eg dyslexia) or sadly something very unpleasant has happened to her that she cannot cope with. She is clearly in a lot of pain and for some reason feels she needs to control the people around her. The fact that she is violent towards you is a huge concern but I would urge you NOT to simply throw her out. She is a child and if she ever has to leave she should do so under the strict guidance of professionals.It may simply be that she needs more boundaries but you need help with this because you are now walking on eggshells around her and that reinforces her behaviour. You can do some research on the internet under APVA and here is the link to the NHS website which contains links to organisations that can help in the UK:http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/family-health/Pages/teen-aggression-and-arguments.aspxHere is the link to family lives advice on teen violence in the home where they also have a helpline:http://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/teen-violence-at-home/You may have to go back to your GP but I urge you to seek help for yourself, your marriage and your child.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 June 2016):
Get therapy for yourself and see what they say about your situation.Read up on the laws of kicking your child out. It's drastic, but she'll learn.If she comes to your work and kicks off, leave for a moment and she'll probably follow you. If not, ask for security to remove her - she'll realise what's not acceptable.Don't be embarrassed by her because she knows it's working. Just stand there and let *her* look foolish. Don't react to her and don't try to talk over her - just wait for her to finish and tell her to leave (unless she's calmed down and opened up about why she's behaving like this).Stop giving her money. She can scream all she wants, but warn her that you'll call the police if she hits or kicks you - and follow through. I know that sounds harsh, but you need to correct what went wrong before she's helpless in the real world, where you're not giving her everything she wants.Have a sit down with your family and explain how this is going to go - no more being terrorised by her. She wants money, she needs to get a job. She's unhappy, she can talk to you privately, but only if she stays calm. Get her a diary and tell her it's for her to write her feelings down when she's too angry to talk, but don't force her to use it.If you *all* (whole family) stick to this, her behaviour will either get worse and the police will get involved, potentially putting her in council housing for youth (I've seen it happen twice with two girls about your daughter's age), where she will have to follow rules to stay there (don't take her back if she doesn't), or it will gradually get better and hopefully get to a point where she's cooled down enough to open up to you about what's going on with her and why she's lashing out the way she is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2016): I would be wary of a professional who says she isnt mentally ill. When I was a teenager and in my twenties, professionals said I just had anxiety, but finally, at the age of 31 last year, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, which is a form of autism, as well as having mental health problems, anxiety and depression. Some people aren't diagnosed properly until they are older. Its worth bearing that in mind. It sounds scary, but the way I got my diagnosis was that I had been having thoughts of harming myself and I was in a psychiatric ward for three months last year. One of the other patients said that she had autism.and she noticed that I showed signs of it, so I has an assessment and got the diagnosis. I have also known other people who have been diagnosed with mental health problems and mental disabilities in their twenties and thirties. Your daughter might not have any, but its better to make sure. Maybe you could do online assessments kr go to some more assessments in person and see if your daughter meets the criteria for other illnesses and mental disabilities?. At least if you find put there is something, you can try to get the right help.I admit that I can be hard work sometimes because of my autism and mental health problems and it does get me down a lot. With autism, it is very difficult because your brain works differently and you have a certain way of thinking all the time and cant change it. It is frustrating for both me and my family and friends sometimes.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 June 2016):
 So she's a spoiled child.... Yes, the youngest child is often described as the one who is most spoiled, because they have been babied all their lives.
You can decide if changing parenting tactic is the right move, or if it's beyond this now. You have the option to kick her out. Yes, you are legally bound to take care of her, but that doesn't mean you have to live with her. Give her money on a monthly basis and kick her out. Change the locks.
Or, ask if there are any family members willing to take her on for a year or two. You will offer financial support, of course, but then again you will not have to live with her.
You can also research if it is possible to arrange foster parents for her.
By change of parenting style, I mean being very strict and offer no love. She appears to be in dire need of strict rules and strong role models who wont budge. Children are different, your parenting might have been wonderful for the first children, but then she is different, and needed another form of parenting style.
Or, if she is acting out beyond what anyone would think of as normal for a rampant rebel, and if it happened more or less overnight, and if her grades in school suddenly changed, then be aware that acting out like this is also a common sign of children who have been abused. It could be a teacher, a neighbor, a classmate, it could even be your husband. Sadly, abuse of children, sexually or otherwise, isn't as rare as we would like it to be. In this case she probably would not open up to you, or anyone, until she's started to trust them. If you want to double check if this is the case, then try to see if you can get her to a psychologist (not psychiatrist), for routine sessions. It needs to be routine for her to build up trust in the psychologist. Also, you need to not be any part of it. Especially if there is a case of sexual abuse, children feel mortified by it and would rather suffer alone than tell their parents.
Also, her reaction could be related to grief. Did anyone close to her die recently? The grieving period can start late, several years after the fact, and should still be taken seriously and not pushed under the rug. A psychologist would be good in this case as well, if you can afford one for routine sessions.
When I was 14-15 I also had terrible fights with my mother and step-father, and I was kicked out of the house. I can tell you here what was going on, and these things were things I thought my mother must have known, but perhaps she didn't, or perhaps she didn't understand it/have the empathy needed to understand it. I grew up with an abusive father who hit us and controlled us. My mother had her boyfriend move into the house when I was 13, and then by father became aggressive and out of control because he was jealous. My mother got a secret phone number, and left us children to have to deal with our father on our own. They were talking behind each others backs to us children, leaving us to run the messages between them. Every one now KNOWS that this puts tremendous stress on children. I guess they were too selfish to realize it. And as children, we were unable to say stop, and just endured. That's what children do. In addition, my best friend killed herself when I was 14. My step-dad refused to have anything to do with the family and was a dick head towards us kids. And then, to top it off, my step-dad and mother had a friend of theirs over, who started to touch me up. I was just 15. I told my mother and said I wanted him to leave the house. He had tried to enter my bedroom (thank god I had locked it). He also held me down in the bathroom and started to touch my ass. My mother just brushed it off and said I had started it because I had flirted with him. Which is irrelevant! I was 15, and he was 25-30 or so. I didn't want him touching me, and flirting is NEVER an excuse for people to touch without concent.
That's when shit really hit the fan. That's when I went ballistic, and although I never hit my mom, I sure felt like it several times. Then I was the one to get kicked out.
Im just telling you this so you get an insight into what could be going on with your 15 year old. People with no mental issues DO NOT act out like this unless there's a reason to. Maybe she is just spoiled. Spoiled people do act out. But this could also be something else, if it's been a sudden change. I was a quiet and nice girl up until all this shit happened that I just told you about. Looking back, I feel angry at my mother that she didn't see it, and that she didn't listen to me when I told her about her "friend" who wanted to enter my bedroom. That she chose him over me. That she didn't understand that I was in pain because my best friend had just killed herself. That she didn't understand that I was put under a lot of pressure from my dad and her, when the two of them decided to trash talk each other to my face etc etc etc.
Sorry for the long post, but these feelings are still burning hot inside me. Unresolved issues.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (14 June 2016):
 You can talk to counsellors free online about this at Relate.
http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/parenting-teenagers?gclid=COGLgvCIp80CFdUW0wodGg8OTQ
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2016): hi! i am not a mother but i've been on her place ones..
Does your daughter have a boyfriend?maybe she's having a hard time or she's keeping something inside her that she cant let it out.
I would suggest to bring your daughter on a phsychiatrist a doctor that is not a family related cause she will not be comfortable if she open up on someone she knows.
I actually have deep secrets that i cant even tell my families.
Im just saying cause maybe your daughter also have things and experiences that she wants to be buried.
And be a strong mom.I know you can get through this! :)
...............................
|
