A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in this relationship for past three years and it been wonderful but at the same time it has given me so much of sorrow that i feel like killing myself at times.I love this guy. For me it was love at first sight and he openly admits that he got into this relationship for sex, but over the time he has become very fond of me and these days almost all his friends, both our families know that we are seeing each other. He has even given me social acceptance by taking me around, introducing me to his family and friends and so forth. He occasionally professes of his love for me and since he moved away one year ago to work in a different city, he had admitted of missing me. His colleagues have given me the impression that he hasn't seen any girl in past one year and has been loyal to me. And i trust him on that.He is witty, good looking, has a good job and he does shows once in a while that he cares about me.I am 29 he is 27. I asked him to marry me last year and he tried talking to his parents about us. he says they are against it because of the age difference. I would dearly love to spend my life with this guy. but he is so maddening at times.He has this habit of ignoring my calls and messages, and he always comes up with 3-4 standard excuses, 'I am at work', 'i am busy working' and 'I am spending time with my team (his colleagues)', ' I am busy with my PSP' or 'I was sleeping'.I am getting tired of waiting for him to see that i am there, waiting for his decision and waiting for him to notice that i have let him absorb my identity and my everything.In past one year, I've been the to spend lots of money on flights and see him every now and then, whenever he promised to come, i broke his promise and didn't come on pretext of his work.then there's this thing about his ex girlfriend. She lives far away in France and hardly cares for him, but he is still very attached to her. Yes, he has reduced talking to her and spending time talking about her because he knows that i don't like that, but still, I feel that he is a little bit obsessed with her. He finds her perfect for him.In the span of three years we have broken off a couple of times, always patched up and resumed from where we left. I've noticed that most of the times when we have 'break-ups' are those when i am under lot of emotional stress and would like him to be there with me or its during those times when he ignores me incessantly and doesnt gives plausible excuses.He says he doesnt want to marry and at this point i want marriage and commitment. He is behaving like a weak wimp. I hate him being so spineless.To make things worse, he is addicted to marijuana. He knows its not good in long term but still refuses to give up. He an escapist who hides behind his addiction and work.He broke off again with me 2 days ago, when i was fighting depression after he refused to come down and see me and broke another promise. He said that things are not going the way he'd like them to go between me and him. He also said that he cant carry the emotional burden of his conscience; for not being there for me.I have put too much on stake for this guy and i cant imagine a life without him. I am confused and don't know where to go or what to do.
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female
reader, nnairac1972  +, writes (17 June 2008):
I hope by now your situation is already resolve, I understand your situation. When we are in love we are blind 100%, now you are reading all the comments and I know that if he calls you forget everything and do what you shouldn't do, man likes to chases after you, when you are chasing him they don't feel like they are doing their job, they love competition, if are hard to get I can tell you he will be looking for you, if you are calling him everyday, sending emails, testing, forget it he feels like he doesn't has to do any work to get you, you are already his property, he can do whatever he wants, if he needs your help he can just call you and you will be there for him, you need to stop calling him, emailing him, just cut off any comunication with this guy, after one or 3 days he will feel unsecured and will start calling you, please do not answer the phone, let him leave a voice mail, try to do things with your friends and family, get into a dance class... Look for any hobies that will keep you busy, go to church and pray alot.... You will feel better, if you need to cry just cry everything you need to, this happened to me and I was doing exactly what you doing, I felt I was losing him, I was trying to make plans to go anywhere with him, one day he didn't call me I got really worried and mad, I tried to call him and he answered and I said if everything was ok with him, he said he wanted to sleep and be alone for a while, I didn't call him for one all day, I felt bad, and I tought I wasn't going to make it, but I asked for help and Someone opened my eyes, the true when I needed him, he wasn't available, when he needed me I was there 100%, I felt used and I said I need someone that cares for me, I don't need this guy. I made my decision and I can tell you I feel better, and I know now that when I get into another relationship I wont put all my energy on him, I will spend time with my friends, time with my family and time with him,If I plan something with someone I wont' cancel just because he called or he wants to do something, I can tell you it works..... JUST BE STRONG, man doesn't like Weak woman... GOOD LUCK
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 April 2008):
 I think that you've invested enough time and energy into this relationship, and it sounds like he has put into it all he can, to be able to decide if it has legs, long-term potential. So the question of all or none... well, I think he's giving you some, not all.
Forgive me for being harsh, but your needs and wants aren't going to be met by him... I'm also a bit worried at the description of your lashing out at him, drawing blood and leaving a scar. This is a sign of an abuser, it doesn't matter if you're male or female, it is a sign of a lack of self-control and and big red flag in any relationship. Any male posting this would be told to go get some help and would be taken to task for hurting a woman; I'm not really sure that it should be different for a female...
Again, I'm not trying to be critical or hurtful, just trying to be objective here.
My take on this is that you both are volatile, vulnerable human beings and perhaps you're really not compatible for the long term. He's a loner, are you really ready to cope with that?
So the answer to your last question, all or none? I think if you realize that he's not ready to give you the all, then maybe it's time to move on, and really work on your own issues and insecurities. Again, I'm not trying to be judgmental or harsh, I just hear so much conflict in your posts that I'm a bit worried for you....
Life is so short, and precious, I know because I've lost people who are close to me. It's worth your time to really examine this relationship and if it is not healthy and strong, then let it go and make yourself the best person you can be!
Sorry again if this seems harsh, but I do want you to have the best life and relationships you can!
All the best, dear, and pm me if you'd like...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really want to thank you all for guiding and providing me with much needed emotional support.I agree with you all. maybe I was blind. But there were other things, instances in which he made me feel so special. for past one year whenever I've visited him, he has made every attempt to make my visit as special as possible. He has been through and done so many things which he absolutely hates and i adore. for eg he gave away a shirt which he loved just because i did not like it. He took me to a vacation and did everything to please me. I am a woman, there's an instinct; and it says he loves me, but maybe its not as strong as mine.I've not been perfect myself. I get obsessive about him at times. keep calling him at odd hours and if he doesn't answers i call as many times as possible just so he would get bugged and answer my call. I am very unpredictable with my reactions (so he says and i agree) I lose temper easily and can be horrid at times. he took everything by his stride. He cheated on me once during the first year of our relationship, and frankly by that time he did not even say that he loves me. I reacted by lashing out on him and i actually hurt him. He bled and he still carries the scar of that wound.He is a loner and respects his space a lot; he let me violate his space. he doesnt answers calls from his parents, his subordinates and is mighty pissed off when somebody calls him when he doesn't wish to receive calls. He has come a long way from being the guy who wont let me touch him after we've made love to being a guy who didn't mind holding my hand, hugging or kissing me in the public. he is immature but has been awesome lover, friend and guide when it comes to various issues like my own career.Whatever said and done, he still has done all that i mentioned and yes I know i deserve more. HE is a difficult person to be with and i took everything; his temper, tantrums and whims by my stride.At this time, when I've actually exhausted my patience for him, I want all or none.Am I right?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 April 2008):
 You have wasted enough time on this guy. This is going nowhere real fast. Tell him to get lost and try to straighten yourself out. You need a true relationship that is balanced not one sided. You say you can't imagine life without him but I can't imagine why it took you so long to smell the coffee. You deserve some one's full attention, go find him, he's out there just waiting for you to find him.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (14 April 2008):
 There is a reason most hetero relations have the male being older then the female and that is because men mature slower if indeed at all.
You want marriage, he doesn't. End of story.
Either accept that the relationship will most likely remain as it is or move on. Remember if you think you can change him then you should also be ready to change for him, give up thoughts of marriage and just remain in this un-commited relationship.
You two have the classic problem of the sexes.
Men get into a relationship thinking the woman will stay the same and she doesn't.
Women get into a relationship thinking the man will change and he doesn't.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 April 2008):
Hi, sorry to hear that you're feeling so much distress about this relationship, and I do feel for you, but I have to tell you that you need to look calmly and objectively at what you yourself have written about this.
"he openly admits that he got into this relationship for sex"
So the start was not love at first sight for him.
"he does shows once in a while that he cares about me"
But he is not madly in love with you or you would know this by now.
"I asked him to marry me last year and he tried talking to his parents about us. he says they are against it because of the age difference. I would dearly love to spend my life with this guy."
He basically said that he is not going to marry you, even though you would like it.
"He has this habit of ignoring my calls and messages." And he gives you excuses, like he's busy. Well, maybe he IS busy! His career is obviously the most important thing to him right now.
"I am getting tired of waiting for him to see that i am there, waiting for his decision and waiting for him to notice that i have let him absorb my identity and my everything."
You decided to throw yourself at him, and he is not returning the favor. He is not responsible for your feelings or your behavior, YOU are!
"He says he doesnt want to marry and at this point i want marriage and commitment."
Well, that is the crux of the matter for you. He does not want to marry you. You can't make him want to marry you, either through emotional blackmail, or threats or sheer willpower. It just is the fact that he is not going to do what you want him to do, and waiting now is just going to be futile, I'm afraid.
"He also said that he cant carry the emotional burden of his conscience; for not being there for me."
In other words, he wants out.
I am very, very sorry to tell you that you are pushing yourself on him and he is not receptive to this. You are going to have to find the strength within yourself to realize this, and to find ways of coping with the break up of this relationship. He cares for you, I'm sure, but he does not want to marry you. This is coming through loud and clear in all you've written.
Line up your friends and family, and let them know that you'll need their support as your grieve over the end of the relationship. They can help you by keeping you distracted and busy, and you should stay as busy as possible, don't call him, give him the space he's obviously looking for.
I'd like to recommend that you find and read a book by Judith Sills PhD, called 'A Fine Romance.' It helps you look at what you want in a relationship and puzzle out what he might be thinking and going through.
Again, I am so sorry that you're going through this, but now you need to be pragmatic and realistic about the situation you're in. Please come back for more support if you need it!
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 April 2008):
I'm sorry hun but you aren't listening to him.
He doesn't want marriage. He puts his work, and even PSP before you. He thinks his Ex is his perfect girl. He started going out with you just for sex. He lives far away. He's a drug addict. He refuses to change.
Are you going to hang around waiting for him to suddenly change his mind and magically fall in love with you?
It will never happen. You've tried for as long as you could but it is time to move on. You could be with someone who puts you first, who tells you he loves you every day, who wants to marry you.
Break it off and find out your own identity, then find someone who loves it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, salvation +, writes (14 April 2008):
i think that he does have an obsession with his ex and that he has feelings for her which are effecting his decision you need to ether try and get him to take profecienl help or make him choose its ether make the final commitment to you or not
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