A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was brought up by my mum and great auntie, both strong and independent women. My mother married my father but then left him as she found it difficult to live with him (she moved to another country to be with him there and felt very isolated, my father was also not very good at keeping his job and had problems with alcohol)when I was little I remember that he would easily get violent and scare me (he never beat me up, but would be threatening and got smacked a few times).my mum left him when I was 3 and then lived briefly with him again when I was between 5 and 6. After that he would sometimes come around and would still support us financially, but I never felt that he gave a damn about my education etc. He would always obsess about me and I would be his little daughter, but he never actually went beyond buying toys.I just felt often physically disgusted by him: he smoked up to 2 packets of cigarettes and had always dirty nails. I hated his usurpation of "father authority" as he never was a father to me! my mum was trying her best to educate me but he would not care if I ended up working in a factory. When my mum died, he came around and provided money for the funeral, but I had to be the one to arrange it.After that ( I was 17) he left me on my own: one month he would send me some money and the next he would not.I could not get a job, because in my country you had to 18 to get one on your own without an adult signing the contract for you. I rented out a room in my mums flat, he was furious about this and tried to scare the girl who lived there. I presume it was because he wanted me to be dependent on him. I did my a-levels thanks to my cousins.When I went to uni I didn't need to ask him for money anymore and we kind of started having an o.k. relationship, I stopped seeing him as a father and had only a friendly relationship.Then I went to the UK to be with my bf, got a job, but still was not able to be properly independent because my job didn't pay too well and I really wanted to continue with my studies but could not afford it.My father didn't have a job since I was 10.He came to visit me here (after four years of not seeing each other) and we initially had a pretty good conversation, but after two days of sitting on a park bench and listening to his negative rants about other family members I had enough. He physically really invaded my space. When he went outside to smoke I cigarette and I stayed inside Starbucks and answered a phone call, he was just standing there outside and staring at me as if I was some sort of zoo exhibit. He also said that he really loves me but I am his "number two" because for himself he is the most important person.He creeped me out! A week after he left I have received a call that he died. I was not in the least surprised, because the way he acted made me feel that he was dead inside for a long time.I went to his funeral and saw the appalling mess he lived in: it also turned out that he was receiving money in my name and lied to me that he did not receive it (I could be liable for its return).I must say that the last 6, 7 years before his death we had a pretty good relationship (because I Stopped seeing him as a father) and I always though that my teenage resentment against him was thing of the pastbut since he died and since I saw the place he lived in (and realized the lies he fed to me)it really flared up again. I keep having those creepy dreams in which he rapes me or in which I kill him. He is dead, why do I need to dream about killing him? To be honest I feel embarrassed at the lack of human emotions on my side that relate to his death, it is pure hatred at the moment.I feel that he really scarred me. I don't have any family anymore and I lack the courage and financial security to leave my bf who coincidentally didn't have a job for the last 4 years (thank god he doesn't do drugs, or alcohol).My friends have all finished their degrees and I am still waiting to do what I want to do.I am scared that I will be compelled to look for a father figure for ever and that I cannot stand and look after myself properly/ achieve my ambitions.I am gay and I should be with women but I still feel that the father issue is not solved in me.Somehow I transfer this hate to my bf who is actually totally different from my father, and who for sure doesn't deserve it, but who also cannot give me the recognition and father love that I miss.I cannot find the loving father in myself, that would make me strong for myself...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI originally said about my bf the following : "I don't have any family anymore and I lack the courage and financial security to leave my bf who coincidentally didn't have a job for the last 4 years (thank god he doesn't do drugs, or alcohol)." and "Somehow I transfer this hate to my bf who is actually totally different from my father, and who for sure doesn't deserve it, but who also cannot give me the recognition and father love that I miss."
I didn't say that I was mean to him!
I said I am transferring part of the emotions I felt about my father on to him. It is because although they are not similar in other aspects, my bf, like my father doesn't have a job.
So he is not contributing to our life and I feel that he similarly to my father doesn't really care about what i do with my life.
I was trying to leave him numerous times, but he always made me feel guilty about leaving someone who is such a bad position.
But of course I know that I should leave him, but I don't earn enough to get a deposit for a new place, and my friends are not here.
So basically I don't know how to leave him and how to regain my personal strength.
I often positively feel that he somehow is tying me to him emotionally and energetically, I don't know ho to deal with it.
At the moment I am just a cluster of upset angry emotions and I feel that both of those people have taken advantage of me, as a result I feel depleted and run in circles instead of being able to put it into perspective and move on. I guess I don't know how to move on. I know I have to move on but don't know how, so please don't tell "move on".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I feel that it is my bf that takes advantage of me since I was working for both of us and was not able to move on with my studies, whilst he was "trying" to find a job for the last 4 years.
The thing that upsets me most is that my father was never someone I could respect. He was not someone I could look up to.
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