A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Really need some unbiased advice. Sorry this is long, feel you need enough information as possible.I can't stop worrying about whether or not my partner will cheat on me eventually. I am finding it so hard to trust him, but I can't break up with him cos I love him so much and he treats me so well. I've never been treated this well in my life.He is 10 years older than me. I used to work with him. When we 1st got together he was living with another girl and on the verge of splitting up with her. I asked him out before i left my previous job and had no clue that he had a girlfriend. Apparently, he had already warned her that they would have to split up if she didn't treat his son with more respect. He has a 11 year old son and she was very jealous of him. She spoke down to him like an old school mam and basically resented his presence in their life. He said this didn't come to light until after he'd moved in with her. He said he was just going through the motions with her and had realised that he hadn't loved her for 5 months before they split up.Then I asked him out and he says he knows it was wrong but he decided to go for it, to see where it may lead. I was oblivious to all this- but did have suspicions in a way cos he always had to go home at certain times etc. When I finally slept with him (1 month into the relationship) he left her a week later. Everything was perfect I felt so lucky to have him. Always reliable, so mad about me he'd do anything for me - basically everything I've always wanted. Then I found out about her (she got my number of his mobile bill that was delivered to her house) and just rung and asked me if he were there. She was about to hang up the phone when I asked her how long they'd been split up and she said 6 weeks. By this point we'd been seeing each other for 3 months and well, I was devestated.Basically we worked things out but it's always played on my mind. Especially when he told me that he was married at a young age to the mother of his child and he'd left her to go off with another woman at work he'd fallen in love with. When I asked him why - he said he had fallen out of love with his wife because after his son was born, she changed and started talking to him like a 4 year old and was very bossy. My boyfriend is a man that could easily be walked all over because he is a bit of a "do things for a quiet life" type of guy. Then he was with the girl he left her for for 4 years. After 3 years she said to him (just in conversation not in an argument) that she'd never love his child, they'd never be a family and she just saw his son like any child she saw on the street. They stayed together for another year but basically the relationship went downhill on hereon in. they'd had a good relationship before this. Just before she moved out from his place he slept with another girl from work. He says he never cheated on her before that ever, when the relationship was good. But when I asked him why he did it then, he said when a relationship is nearly over you look at things totally differently. He said u never know when you are going to meet someone.From what I have learnt about my boyfriend, he is an insecure, needy person who hasn't got a lot of confidence in himself. I almost get the impression from him that he seems to do what a lot of people do, have someone else lined up so they have the strength to leave a relationship, but I don't think he is a serial cheat as in to go out and have sex with someone randomly whilst in a happy relationship, just for the sheer hell of it.He doesn't know this and I know it's bad, but I have his email password- check regularly and also look through his phone. I see nothing untoward on there ever.But I am driving myself insane thinking am I a fool to think he won't repeat his past as soon as we get into problems?When I have talked to him about this, he has said that with the two out of the three serious relationships he has had, they didn't accept his son and he thinks that is a valid enough reason to want out of a relationship. For ther record, I get on really well with his son and he tells me I'm very special and he has never been this happy in a relationship before. All my family like him and I get along well with his too.Please help. Am I fool to think I could ever trust him?
View related questions:
at work, confidence, insecure, jealous, moved in, moved out, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 Keep Believing In Yourself..
By : Unknown
There may be days when you get up in the morning and things
aren’t the way you had hoped they would be.
That’s when you have to tell yourself that things
will get better.
There are times when people disappoint you and let you down,
but those are the times when you must remind yourself to
trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life
focused on believing in yourself and all that you are capable of.
There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your
life, and it is up to you to accept them.
Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you.
It may not be easy at times, but in those times of
struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are,
So when the days come that are filled with frustration and
unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself
and all you want your life to be, because the challenges
and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.
If someone loves you, give love back to them in
whatever way you can, not only because they love you,
but because in a way, they are teaching you to love
and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your
heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn
about trust and the importance of being cautious to
whom you open your heart.
Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment and take from those moments
everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again.
Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in
yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself,
it will be hard for others to believe in you.
And if you love someone tell them,
for you never know what tomorrow may have in store.
Credit to this unknown author.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): I have just come accross this post and would like to suggest to the poster, this;
In a way it is not about if he will cheat on you, but more about the knowledge you now have about him. You know that when perhaps things are not running smoothly in a relationship, he has the ability to be unfaithful.
This is how he has handled things in many of his relationships, in the past.
It seems he has also justified all of his decisions to be unfaithful. None of his justifications have been any of his responsibility, really. It was always their fault or because they were not quite right. So this is what you have as an absolute gurantee, of his thought processess, empathy towards others and his acceptable standards and levels of behaviour.
I think this is where the 'once a cheat, always a cheat' headspace simplifies things, but bottom line - it was OKAY WITH AND FOR HIM to go there, he CAN cross the line with another women, he can cheat on someone, even when in a committed relationship.
I have had a number of partners who had cheated on me. Until the last, my now husband, I never, ever, looked closely at the similar character traits they all had. This last betrayal of me has really made me face some of the things that were always in front of me, but somehow I always found a bloody good reason, why I would be the lucky one to defy all the rules. And it's a learning curve I really wish I had discovered a lot earlier in my life.
It was this remarkable forum that open my eyes on making difficult decisions about the people I care about. So,
You need to look closer, yes okay - he has not done anything to warrent a concern for you now. But equally this man has had unsuccessful relationships, some more complicated that others, and he seems to handle them in a similar way. Why, because he does not know how to take a close look at himself, take some of the responsibilities and - 'do the right thing', face up to some of his flaws and how they may have contributed to his failed relationships. I am not suggesting he should not have ex's but he does need to stop blaming why he can cheat on someone, because they didn't like his son. Things like that are a bit silly.
You need to be aware of this side to him, because unless he has acknowledged deeply, not flipantly, that his choice to string people along, be dishonest, hide his true emotions from others, are not that nice a quality in someone. And be a little more self reflective on how horrible it is to do this sort of thing. See, some people do not choose this line of action when in committed relationships and until it becomes an outragious action, instead of 'oh well, I couldn't help myself' or 'If my partner had done this or that, then I wouldn't have needed to do this'. Bottom line again - it is wrong and tells you alot about a persons true self.
This, by default is what your saying to yourself. You have discovered something not very nice about your man, and it has ruffled you a bit. And, it bloody well should. You can't not know, now, that he has the capability.
Be aware of that, be strong and make some rules with yourself if you start to be concerned. No, don't live hunting for trouble, but don't also live in a dream world that your any different to his other partners. See, this isn't about you being 'the one' who will stop him choosing to cheat, this is about him and the fact that in his head, it is sometimes okay and he can live with himself too!
Unfortunately infidelity, cheating or whatever you wish to call it brings about devastating and irrepariable damage to folks. I guess as a person who has fallen victim to this, my next partner will need to give me his ex's number now, so I can find out for real that I don't have someone in my life again, who could be so deceptful!
In a way, you may well be very lucky that you know about all of this now!
Just be careful and think about what you respect about people and how they choose to live and respect yourself enough not to take any crap! - All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): Hi Lexilou
Thanks for your reply, as to everyone else too.
I guess I got myself tied up in knots cos a lot of people say "Once a cheat, always a cheat" and it plays on the back of my mind, which causes me to almost resent him - not be as affectionate etc.
We're both on facebook and without me even asking he put his relationship status as being in a relationship with me and that I am the girl of his dreams etc, and I don't know many men that would do that - so things like that make me feel more secure. I do try and counteract the negative thoughts with the positive ones. I am just so scared of even having a row with him in case it drives him into the arms of another girl. We did split up once, briefly for a week (I told him to get lost) cos he was being distant with me cos I had been going through his phone. He wrote me a very long letter explaining how much he loved me and we ended up getting back together
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Its hard when youre on the verge of splitting up and meet someone new - even if your unhapppy in the relationship it causes a lot of guilt and questions of insecurity and wondering if you should give it another shot. So I can understand why your bf maybe didnt quite get rid of her as quick as you thought but this doesnt mean he will cheat on you. As for his past behaviour dont let it have any relevance on what you have now it sounds as though you love each other and if you let these doubts in it will eat at you until you start to resent him. Try and trust him and just concentrate on your future together. Dont look through his phone or emails as if he finds out it could change things between you x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): "I dont agree with people telling you to just trust him, because how can you trust someone who thinks its ok to cheat if there relaitonship is failing or they have some hiccups? Thats not respectful. The only thing that would make me think you are safe from him not cheating is if he is able to fully admit to cheating and hold himself accountable for it. That means not saying they were a bad gf or anything like that, because no matter how bad they are, that doesnt make it ok."
So what do I do then? Give a great guy on the chance that he might cheat on me?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): You cant justify your bfs cheating on his ex's. Its not acceptable no matter what. I understand why he left his ex's and in all honestly I understand why he left them. Im not saying his reasons for leaving were invalid, but that doesnt make cheating any better. If your relationship gets tough, you dont run away and hide or give up, you face it and once you have faced it and tried your best to resolve it, only then you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot. If you cant face it then atleast have the decency to end it before geting with someone else...your bf doesnt seem to think like that though and to me that is the only way- a respectful way to have a relaitonship. It seems to me you may be trying to eve justify your bf's past cheating in order to make yourself feel better.Sure you may get along with his son and things may be great, at the moment, but thats the point it is ONLY AT THIS POINT IN TIME that they are good. EVERY relationships has its hard parts, even the best ones do. I dont think your bf realises this. One day he will have to realise that if he wants to sustain a long term relationship.Perhaps hes a bit emotionally immature.I cant predict if he will cheat on you or not. I think there is a high chance considering his past, after all, they say history repeats itself."The past is only the future with the lights on"...I dont agree with people telling you to just trust him, because how can you trust someone who thinks its ok to cheat if there relaitonship is failing or they have some hiccups? Thats not respectful. The only thing that would make me think you are safe from him not cheating is if he is able to fully admit to cheating and hold himself accountable for it. That means not saying they were a bad gf or anything like that, because no matter how bad they are, that doesnt make it ok.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): Wow, Tellulah has been busted out by a man before you can tell. Look, just sounds like the guy was at the end of a relationship when he met you and thats it. Also, you said you asked him out, so its not like he was actively pursuing other women before his other one was officially gone. He saw someone that liked him and gave it a shot. Yea, he probably should have handled the end of his relationship differently, but it seems to have worked out. I think you do need to resolve yourself to trust him so you can be happy. If you always question him then eventually he will walk away because of it. No, don't blindly trust. But just be optomistic and love each other. There is always risk you know. I guess thats part of it. The whole love thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): Hey just wanted to clarify also that after the girl he was in a relationship with for four years after his wife - he was on his own for quite some time, well not in a serious relationship, just dating until he met the girl he was with before me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): Hey I am the original poster and I just want to really thank you all for taking the time to read my rather long post and replying to it.
I just want to ask the male reader what he meant by "You are attracted to him in a motherly way (i'll change him), and it sounds like he will show you a clean pair of heels given time" - I'm not at all one of these women that is the motherly type towards a man I am in a relationship with - in fact usually they end up looking after me lol.
Also I didn't understand what u meant by he will show me a clean pair of heels??
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 May 2008):
 This is a really hard one, because your partner has already proved that when the going gets tough he lines up the next girl.
He has a point that you should not be with a person if they dont like your child, but I find it disturbing that he cannot live on his own until he meets someone new. It makes it sound like he is always trying to replace the mother figure for his child. Is that enough for the new lady in his life though.
You know we are all different, and what wont work for one couple, may well work for another. I certainly couldnt live with a man that didnt like my children. But I wouldnt just go out with one after the other like your partner has with no break in between.
Will he cheat!! Thats the million dollar question. I think if your relationship works really well, then no I dont think he will. But if you start to have problems, try to sort them out before he starts looking elsewhere.
And Babe NEVER EVER trust a man 100%, that doesnt make you a fool, it makes you cautious.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunt tilly +, writes (2 May 2008):
 No darling your not being a fool just a normal human being, but you need to try and trust him a little more, try and put his past to the back of your mind, and dont let it interfere with your relationship, because you dont want to ruin what you,ve already got. You,ll find in life there are people who do for want of better wording keep their options open when the relationships they are in is falling apart. I don,t think this is the case, with you I think he loves you very much and it sounds to me that your both very happy. I think you should continue to communicate with each other as you have been doing, and when you feel a little concerned let him know, I,m sure he loves you very much and will answer you honestly about what ever you may want to know. Keep on loving each other. x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): It sounds like youre already turning into his school mam. You are attracted to him in a motherly way (i'll change him), and it sounds like he will show you a clean pair of heels given time. Relationship habits are hard to break and sitting him down to tell him about it is more likely send him running than anything else.Good luck
...............................
|
