A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was best friends with this girl for over seventeen years; since we were nine. She met this guy in junior year of high school and I actually really liked him at first; as in, I gave my "approval" as best friend. He treated her very well the first few months of their relationship and she seemed a genuinely happy person.And then she came to school one day with a bruise running from her chin to her left eye. Needless to say, I totally flipped out and immediately demanded what happened. I subsequently threatened to kick her boyfriend's ass but I never did... And that was only the beginning.Fast forward eight years and they're still together. She was once a very independent woman living for herself and wanting the most out of life. She was a very lively and random person, I loved it! Because she was like, the complete opposite of me. Well, all that changed after years of being with an abusive man.My best friend was murdered by her husband (the boyfriend from above) three weeks ago resulting in his own suicide. They left behind two very young children whom I'm currently battling against the husband's family for. Because of this situation, I think I'll become an advocate for Women's Rights and Domestic Violence Issues. I want to help others while they've still got the chance.Right now, I'm completely at loss as to what to do. I have my best friend's family who are completely devastated by this insane loss and I honestly could not begin to fathom how they must be feeling right now. Most likely a lot more empty than I feel. I feel like my guts have been torn out.I just need a little guidance right now before my thoughts eat me alive. Thanks...
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Getting involved in the issue of domestic violence would be a wonderful tribute to your friend, and probably the most constructive response to a personal tragedy I've ever heard of. Contact a women's shelter if you're not sure how to start -- they always need volunteers.
Best wishes for constructive and thorough healing.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 March 2010):
 Sorry for you loss with your friend. Sounds like being an advocate will help in your healing process. If you do, remember domestic violence doesn't discriminate. Men and women can both be victims, although society as ignored male victims to a certain extent.
The death of your friend is a motivator for you to help others to prevent this from happening. You may be one voice, but that one voice can really go a long way. I've been assisting others with abuse for two reasons, (1) my ex was violent with border-line personality disorder. (2) where they generally arrest the male, I found in the legal system victims of abuse are basically ignored after the initial proceedings. We know from experience, someone who's sense of self is destroyed, needs more than just leaving the abuser to prevent future abuses.
It was my experience that led me to becoming a behavior analyst, and a neuro-linguistics programmer. With your thought running wild, remember you're not at fault, you can't have self blame. Some people, behind the scenes are not nice people. They have a love for the control over a person that's greater than their love for that persons well being. Sometimes I think they see that love for control as love for the other person, but not looking at it that way myself is difficult to image someone having that view.
I want you to write a healing letter. One to her (cannot include abuse or how she passed) this letter needs to be about your friendship, what you enjoyed about her, how this friendship was treasured, and your being grateful for having the time you did to experience this friendship with her. We do this to take relief off the negative, and focus on the love and the friendship. The memories that will be treasured. And I think by doing this will give you more of a sense of piece.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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