A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi,i am a 31 year old male. this is a little complex but bear with me. I was with a girl for 7 years but for the last 4 i was secretly seeing someone else. The problem with my girlfriend was that i was not physically attracted to her but she had emotional issues and was also dealing with a family trauma, so i didn't want to throw in the towel. However, it did become too much for me in the end and we split.The girl i had been seeing was always there in the background but had actually moved away for 12 months when i eventually split with my ex. I said i would wait for her to come back so we could try something as in reality we had a secret relationship for the previous 4 years. I find her incredibly sexy and we are good friends, but i had always pushed her away over the sense of guilt i had about the affair. When she did come back, i felt we went straight in at the deep end and i quickly put a stop to things. I was satisfied i didnt have, or want, a future with her.shortly afterwards i met a stunningly beautiful 24 year old who i share the same values as and who i trust completely. We have been togther 15 months and now live togther. I feel confident and comfortable with her beside me, even thought i recognise that sometimes our communication isn't what it might be and i wish we laughed more. The problem is now that the secret relationship has reappeared and with the same woman as before. The sex-life with my current girlfriend has now faded away - i still look at her and see her so beautiful, but she doesnt ignite a sexual passion in me at this point. On the other had, i have great sexual chemistry with my lover and sometimes long to be with her sexually. The problem is that the thought of a relationship with her still scares me over how i felt before and she is a lot more emotionaly needy than my current girlfried. I have been through a serious level of emotional fatigue with my first girlfrined, and for 7 years, and i know i cant have someone depend on me in that intense way again.I have no idea how all of this has happened but i know something has to stop. When i met my current girlfriend i said to myself i would marry her - i still could, but recognise now that their are certain parts of our relationshoip that are hard for me. On the other hand i desire my lover and can have conversations with her that i cant have with anyone else, but i have alwasy been unsure about her as my long term partner. I dont know what to do and i have never been good with my emotions.I will also say that as an objective observer, i see myself as having been consistanly selfish and dishonest in my relationship history and if i was to judge, i would not be very complimentarty about how i have acted. However, no one needs to tell me this as now, i just want to figure my emotions out, make a decision, and continue on that road. I just have no idea what to do. So basically, if somone wants to criticise what i have done, it wont help as i can, and do, criticise myself regularly about this. What i am really hoping for is someone standing on the outside to maybe look at this and help me see why the same pattern seems to be repeating itself, and where i should set my future. When i make the decision, i want to put all my energy into sticking with it and not hurting anyone else.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): im reading all of the postings with real interest and hope. All so far have looked to contribute rather than just criticise, which I appreciate a lot. I do want a stable relationship, to be happy and have childern. But something one insightful lady suggested here was that I may not assoociate sexual excitement with a monogomos relationship! Does this happen to people, as it seems to ring true in my case? With my now second time lover, i have always felt incredibly insecure when things have moved away from sex into a more normal type relationship. I really care about her but have actually felt scared when i thought we would have a long term relationship - i could never understand why this feeling was there and I put it down to guilt about having an affair. If these feelings weren't there, i know i would have a very good and real relationship with her. I just can't understand these feelings of insecurity i have with her! As for my girlfriend, she is not afraid of anything sexually which brings me back to that suggestion about my problem maybe being sex in a monogomos relationship! Is this potentially my problem? do i need to focus on this and realise that i need to try and understand what are the important things in a sexual relationship? My current girlfriend is a wonderful woman and gives me confidence that together we can win the struggle that is life. That is something i have never had before but alwasy wanted.Again i re-read and see i am concentrating on me and not the women involved, but i just know that only once i sort myself out Will i know what is the correct way to end all this. i know someone is going to get hurt; i just dont want everyone to get hurt!
A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (1 August 2008):
Well as you basically said, you know what you're doing isn't right. You're stringing a couple girls along not knowing what you really want. I think you need to realize that a relationship takes COMPROMISE. I think compromise is huge as well as trust (which is something you definitely need to work on). Additionally, not everybody is going to fit into this perfect mold. Either: A)You truly love your girlfriend; however, sex could be better. Consider talking to her about it...what could make the both of you happier. B) Find someone who fits everything you are looking for. You don't have to settle, but if you do love someone, it is unconditional and something you usually cannot help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Kudos to you for trying to fix the mess. However, instead of trying to decide who to pick, you need to decide what it is you really want, and why. Having a strong sexual connection to someone is great but you also need to learn how to relate to them in a loving, mature and respectful way. The fact that you stayed with the first girl for FOUR YEARS, all the while not loving her and giving all your energy to someone else, shows that maybe commitment is more of an issue than you realise. You would have hurt her more in this way than just by leaving her anyway, but you chose not to, maybe for fear of getting properly involved with the second girl. You "pushed her away" after she became fully available to you because the dynamic had changed and somehow maybe you dont equate loyalty and monogamy with sexual excitement. All of a sudden, there is ANOTHER girl, and the previous one enters into the picture again to be possible affair material. You need to stop messing others and yourself around and ask yourself honestly whether you want to be in a relationship at all. Then if you discover that you actually need time alone, or time just to enjoy a lot of women sexually with minimum commitment, then you can make that decision with integrity, and spare the feelings and time of others.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (31 July 2008):
 None of them can be right or you wouldnt be pondering over who to choose. Maybe you should have some time on your own, before like you say "I dont want to hurt anyone". The fact is you are hurting, not only the girls but yourself.
I can actually see that you have a problem with your emotions, but the only way you can fix yourself is to stop looking at women as disposable objects. We have feelings, and we cry when we find out that the man we love is cheating. One or both, of these girls will be seriously hurt by your actions. Just think about it, are you really that cold.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Only YOU know how you feel about these women, think about who you can't live without or who you wouldn't mind letting go. Fact is, would your current g/f stay with you if she knew what you were up too?
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