A
male
age
36-40,
*onesomeorkid
writes:I am 23 years old male.I am an exremely shy and confused person. I have been diagnosed with depression, borderline personality disorder and an eating disorder.Some of my problems are sexual one of which is sex feels wrong to me and I'm afraid of it. (I'm still a virgin)Sometimes I want to wear womans clothes I have fine facial features and a skinny body so I've been told. I'd like to dress up and look pretty, this is just a thought that passes me from time to time. It's not a sexual turn on or anything like that.As for my sexual identity I am very confused I've had one experience in my whole life when I was a child a boy who was 4 years older than me ordered me to suck his penis and masturbate him. At the time I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know what puberty or sperm was so I was shocked whenever I seen these things. I try not to but sometimes I give myself sexual relief and feel dirty afterwords. I once bought myself a sex toy I thought it was innocent given that I'm single but I felt immense guilt owning such a thing and threw it away..I am a very shy and loney person and am not sure I want to have sex yet I do masturbate sometimes. What I really want is to feel loved and be held I'd like to have a relationship with an older woman one whos is carring and kind.I'm not sure if I'm a bad person or whats wrong with me I just wanted to tell someone of the things that shame and embarrass me and ask for advice if there is anyone out there who can help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 Did you tell your doctor about this? Since you have been diagnosed with both depression and borderline (bipolar right?) personality disorder they should be aware that you were also sexually asaulted as a child. The classical thing to think here is that your experience as a child, being forced to suck on this other kids penis, has left you with scars. However, I do not intend to play shrink. I will simply say that what you describe sounds like you are seeking a mother more than a girlfriend (you want an older woman who can hold you and love you). You also sometimes seek dressing up, perhaps again because you seek a female role model in your life, or that you lacked one.
You have some serious diagnosis, and I wonder if you are taking any medication for this? If so then maybe you could ask your doctor what types of bi-effects these medications can give you. Could it be that you feel so sexually confused because of medication?
I am not sure if this depression you have is something you will live with all your life, but my instincts tell me that it is the depression that makes you confused. If you can overcome this obstacle in your life you could also come to terms with your sexual side. As for now, try to think of your sexual frustrations not as a separate problem, but as a problem related to your depression.
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