A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:I want to know everyone's opinion here because i am freaking out here a bit. To put a small background. Im 25 with a masters and ppl say im this model like doll looking girl that has her life ahead of her; truth is even though i have all these material degree and looks, a year ago i ended a five year(emotionally/verbally) abusive relationship. Every name on the book i've been called and blamed for, and spit on.. I left and that was the only man i have ever been with. so for a year now i have not dated or asked a man out. i have avoided the whole situation because on top of my million insecurities i also suffer from OCD(Obsessive cumpolsive disorder) so every time (and his happened when i first met my ex) so every time i get to know someone i panic a bit. I overthink everything, i start thinking and thinking and worrying like does fit my standards, am i gonna be trapped. what if i like someone else? what if i hurt his feeling? its like an entrappment of what ifs to the point where I just want to be alone ..Well its been a year and I went to a starbucks and noticed a man making my coffee. He seemed like my type so I gave hime my number and went on a date with him. Although i found him atractive he mentioned that he was a musician and he was 30 and still living with his parents- this set me on a mall panic attack because i started envisioning my controlling mother being like what are you doing, you have a masters and you are going with a man like this! blah blah. I started thinking and thinking that I cant stop analyzing everything he said. I went with him on a dinner last night this was the first date I ever went since my ex and he said i was super kind and wanted to see me. I thanked this man and told him I will let him know.is this wrong? I dont want to lead anyone on, so I told him i'll let him know about a second date.. I just feel like a jerk, i always watch out for others peoples feelings i never want to hurt anyone but i feel like a mess! I mean i'm always a people pleaser and obviously I cant tell him "oh hey I have ocd and have a weird past so i DONT FEEL COMFTABLE seeing anyone because I have gotten so comftable being alone and safe..Does anyone have any dating tips? And i never want to lead a man on i mean i just went to a dinner with him that is all no kiss no nothing, but I always feel guilty like i have to give something back i mean he payed and I felt bad, like i should be interested i mean since i gave him my number, but my thoughts overwhelm me so much to the point where t hurts to think..What should i do? My friend says you cant be alone forever but sadly it feels better to be alone than to worry about hurting or misleading anyone. My mom has taught me to always be a people pleaser and she pretends im this machanical doll and just forget the past..Can someone tell me any dating tips even though im 25 i feel that if i go on a date with someone and im not interested i feel bad that im not. I FEEL GUILTY THAT THEY PAY..sorry i know its long
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Lost and empty, in a habit to put others before you and even to 'forget' about yourself in the process is absolutely the WRONG place to date from. That's the easy part - giving yourself time to heal and not dating - you haven't been attracted to many men, so this is not an issue for you at the moment.
I may not be the best to offer advice beyond this. I do not have OCD and have never required mood-stabilizing drugs. This is a world that is quite alien to me.
I would, however, advise you to deal with your OCD and emotional insecurities before you look to start dating. You are unlikely to have a healthy relationship with a man or your mother, until you are more ‘centred’. If it helps, I believe you CAN get there if you allow yourself enough time.
It might even help you to read other people’s posts; see what others fear, that you are not alone and that you are even in a position to help some people who post here, could be a safe and small first step to aid in your healing and feelings of isolation.
In the meantime, be good to yourself. It doesn’t sound like you are very often. :-)
Good luck.
A
female
reader, alexia846 +, writes (16 September 2011):
alexia846 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlola 1 -thank you so much.. i have a biggest fear of dissapointing and making people mad so much that i forget about myself..my mother raised me to please everyone else first and that is why it is so hard to date agian..as far as the abusive relationship i dont know how to get over the past and the scars. its gotten so bad with my insecuritties that honestly i think the onl reason men will like me is because of my model like face and big boobs.. i worry that if a man can truly love you..i dont know i feel so lost in theses ideas of love.as far as OCD i am diagnosed with it and see a psychiatrist but not a therapist. I am on prozac but he says that is as much as it can help it cant conceal reality. I worry so much, thats y it makes it impposible t sleep with anyone or go on a date with anyone. I worry "omg if i sleep with this guy what if i catch a disease or aids then no one will love me ever" its crazy but ocd tires ur brain and it makes this cycle non ending. Its so sad and lonely because i have degrees, looks and money but i feel like i am loosing my mind...i feel so lost and empty
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): Hey, I am a similar age to you and got out of a five year relationship about 3 years ago. It wasn't abusive or anything but it ended as i fell for someone else and realised it wasnt fair to stay in it. Anyway, I had OCD before but didn't know what it was, the break up forced me to acknowledge and address and although it was tough, I managed to and felt happy :) but, as you say, I got used to being on my own, safe if you will. I have recently begun dating a friend of mine, who I have liked for a year. However, I have started to worry that things will go wrong, or that he doesn't like me, or that i don't like him etc, i'm convinced it is another form of my OCD but i feel like its ruuining the nice start of relationship feeling. However, the important thing is not to let it! One thing I learnt with OCD is that it always makes you think its you, start by trying some exposure therapy...ie imagine worst case scenario but dont react negatively to it, just accept it...hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (16 September 2011):
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
The above is an excerpt from a much longer quote, but it is this bit that I think you need to pay attention to.
No one can guarantee they will not hurt someone else. How others choose to react to something is beyond our control. We only have control – and therefore the responsibility – over ourselves. We are expected to be as honest and as honourable as possible. That is where our responsibilities end.
What is the worst thing that can happen if we date someone and choose not to see them again? Do we honestly think we are SO powerful that their life will fall apart? If they choose to be hurt when you are honest about it and after letting them know the dating was just casual dating to see if something more can happen, with no guarantees (which is assumed until something more is promised) then that is ‘their stuff’. It would be silly, after only a few dates, but then they are free to write a post for dear cupid.
If we date them and THEY decide they do not wish to proceed, will OUR lives fall apart? Or will we be disappointed, but understand that if it is not right for them, it must not be right for us?
Alternatively, if our mothers disapprove, who’s ‘stuff’ is that? Well, frankly, it’s mom’s. You could easily reassure her that you are just easing back into the dating scene and not looking to be overly involved with anyone serious for now. A musician, living with mom and dad, may not be Mister Right, but he could be Mister Right-Now. We don’t know that he thinks of you as Ms.-Right, either.
One year of being out of your abusive five-year relationship, hasn’t been enough time for you. You are not yet ready to be with someone else. You have a lot of self-work to do – getting involved with people while you are unable to give them your full and true self (due to OCD, worrying about mom’s reaction, etc.) is unfair to any potential new loves.
You do not have to date to please your friend.
If you truly have OCD (or are you self-diagnosed?) then seek help with over-coming or managing it. Once you are seen to be taking good care of yourself, your mother is more likely to trust you to decide who to date without her interference.
And if she isn't, you will be better equipped to deal with it.
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