A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am concerned that my boyfriend is wary of intimacy. He has been making loads of plans for us, but they always seem to feature our friends. We rarely seem to spend time just by ourselves, although we did for about the first time on Valentine’s Day on his suggestion and it went really well. We both seem to find it a struggle to know what to talk about at times. He has always said he finds it a struggle to make conversation (although he seems really sociable from what I have seen ) and so do I and I wonder if he wants to avoid the awkwardness of us not knowing what to say to each other so he involves other people to distract us. When there are other people around he is relaxed, laughing and enjoying himself, but when he is around me he is serious and well-behaved and not very relaxed. I tend to be the same around him. I have no idea why I am like this either. My boyfriend is always very loving after sex: he has spent whole nights cuddling me and kissing me loads which I have felt really loved by, but he will say very little or things like ‘straight to sleep’ (I think this is to avoid talking). I end up feeling like he doesn’t really want to be around me, although that is definitely not true as he is always asking to see me and wanting to make plans. He has a cracking smile, but I rarely see it when he is around me. I have to wait until he is around his friends to see his smile. He seems to be treating our relationship seriously which is good, but I don’t want him to be so serious/quiet with me in our everday life! Why is he like this do you think and how do I deal with it? Is he depressed/shy because what his friends see and I see is totally different? How do I encourage him to be more intimate with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): I think this is just his personality. He obviously finds it easier to be in a social environment - perhaps you're right, he does worry incase he doesn't know what to say and things get awkward. It's never nice when you feel you should make conversation but never know what to say. I don't think it's the intimacy that scares him, but just the whole idea of not knowing what to say. Probably talking to him about it would make it even more awkward, so you could just try and understand him. When you want to be alone, compliment him, and tell him how great it would be for you two just to go out and have a good time. If you went to a nightclub, you don't have to talk a lot there AND it's sociable, so it could be more comfortable for him. Just don't take it personally, he loves you and you love him, so just try and accept each other for who you are. Good luck honey :]
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