A
female
age
41-50,
*ove47
writes:My boyfriend and I have lived together for almost 2 years. I love him very much. I can't imagine my life without him. But, we are experiencing a lot of strife due to the fact that I feel like I am growing as a person much more rapidly than he. Maybe I am just being pompous, but I know I am trying to make some pretty big life changes. I am trying desperately to quit smoking. He smokes all the time(it has been super hard to not smoke, especially when he smokes around me.) I have also cut alcohol to a minimum. I just feel that it holds me back, and is a temporary fix to stress and such. When we met, we went out and drank all the time. We slowed it down to 2 or 3 times a week when we moved in together. I am just not getting what I used to get out of it. He still goes out 2 or 3 times a week...or more. I am all alone at home, which I don't mind, but I just wish he was here with me more, and out dumping toxic waste into his body less...but this is who he was when I met him. I don't want to gripe at him and drive him away...and it's hard enough for me to not go out. I just wish I had more support...from him. Why can't he be the one to lift me up? Can our relationship survive this? He isn't showing a very strong desire to change. I haven't ever seen him try to quit smoking, although he has talked about it. He still seems to want to go out. He likes it, but will he ever be over it? We are both only 26. There is much room for growth here. I don't want to be viewed as "no fun", either. I don't want to nag. Is there any way I can get across to him? Help!
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male
reader, Dr T  +, writes (19 August 2009):
I agree with Busy04.. your growth is entirely up to you as is his to him. In this light then "Why can't he be the one to lift me up?" isnt going to work. You want to change but perhaps he is comfortable where he is right now. When he is ready to move on in life he will and not before. This puts the ball back in your court: do you want to share your life with someone who you feel is not moving in the same direction at the same pace?
You can lead by example, tell him how much better you feel as a non smoking, social drinker. Men do not react well to the idea of a woman trying to change them, no matter of the intention.
A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (19 August 2009):
 I understand your frustration, but you CAN'T MAKE anyone change. You are at a place in your life where you're doing things to better yourself, and you realize that a lot more can be done with your life & you want your boyfriend to better himself,you want to share that with him, but HE & he ALONE has to make that commitment for his own life...not you. The most that you can do is continue your self improvement & live differently in front of him, let your actions speak the words that you want to say and he will see that, trust me he will notice the changes you're making and it will compel him to change as well. You can do so much more by just being a great example than by trying to will him to do better (for lack of better word:), you get my point I believe.
And I also say that you can set simple standards, like asking him not to smoke around you, small things like that, and that's not nagging or being controlling. It's just asking him to respect the fact that you are changing some things within, without and around you.
Good luck honey!
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