A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend of about 13 months have been having a bumpy few months. When we get to talking about some troublesome topics I can’t really say what I mean. I end up saying a lot of things I think in the moment, only to realize later it’s not my true opinion. I end up regretting it, plus the fact that it can hurts his feelings, and sometimes I end up trying retract the first statement resulting to fibbing if I must.The other night he apologized "for everything," and the fact that he wasn’t everything I deserved, and that all he ever wanted was to make me happy. I told him I was sorry too. Then basically I told him though in the moment he made me laugh/smile/etc. I was just unhappy in general and I don’t feel like it’s anyone’s fault but my own. (Subconsciously, or possibly flat out, I think I blame him for losing my best friend, who he’s really close to—which drives me crazy) I explained that I felt like I lost a lot of who I was when I lost her as a friend. He was silent for a long time so I told him that I had to go. But his reaction was “ok… you know I love you…. Bye.” The way he said it sounded like he was trying to pacify me or something. Immediately after that I felt like he was going to break up with me. That made me kind of angry; he’s always been the one clinging to stay together when there’s been trouble. (really this is when he’s been the trouble--and I obviously gave him another chance each time)I feel like he’s always been really positive about us, until now. It feels like he’s given up just when I’m willing and ready to make the right changes.There are a lot of times when I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t tell him things, because they will seem weird, or hurt his feelings. I never mean to hurt his feelings or make myself so vulnerable, or look so bad, but I end up doing that.So I guess I’ll get to the question:How can I discuss important issues with him in a healthy way, so that everything is out there and we can come to an agreement without someone getting angry or hurt?What can I do so I can stop blaming him for the loss of my friend? (I never told him about that)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): There are so many difficulties in your relationship, I feel a lot of resentment and anger is building up. I don't know how you "lost" your best freind, but it is important to you, so you should tell him how you feel. If it's possible, and he's still talking to her, he might be able to help repair your relationship.
I'm not sure about this hurting of feelings, saying things you don't believe are true and then retracting it and lying about it. Not healthy, and probably confusing as hell to him. Why don't you just slow down and make sure that the words that come from your mouth are true and kind. Your don't seem happy, with either your relationship or yourself. What is bothering you, why are you unhappy, why is this relationship so difficult and why can't you communicate with him honestly?
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