A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my 40's, married to a husband who encourages and supports my bisexuality. I have a girlfriend who is also married. The problem is that I have never been physically attracted to her because she is older than me and looks more like my mom than my girlfriend. I look young for my age and am fit. She is pretty and also fit, but a few pounds overweight. I didn't want to make us a steady deal 3 years ago, but unfortunately I let my husband guilt me into staying with her and waiting for lusty feelings to develop. He said that I was too picky in my taste and I felt shallow after thinking about what he said. She is talented, intelligent and light hearted, but the love bug just never bit me. Sadly, her husband was the one who was truthful and has told her. He said her cellulite, sagging breasts and wrinkles were a turn off. She is not an ugly woman, by far - she just isn't 21 with a hot body anymore. She is in love with me and is very much attracted to me. I like her and care about her feelings, so I simply can't bear to break her heart any more than it already is. Now my husband tells me that I am throwing my life away and I am not getting any younger by staying with her, but to see how much my girlfriend's husband hurts her, prevents me from causing her more pain. He watches porn and ogles other women including me, constantly.She is working up the courage to ask for a divorce, because she is not getting what she needs out of her primary relationship. I could say that we have drifted apart, but she is also my activity partner and I keep in contact with her all the time - so we are not drifting apart. We haven't made love in months (I am very grateful) mainly because her husband is jealous and wants me to have a 3 some with the two of them instead. That way, he could do another woman and not have to go behind his wife's back. I'm not interested. It's a mess and I want out. I want to date again. It is just too painful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello. I'm the original poster.
Here's a bit of clarification and background to my situation.
About 4 years ago, my girlfriend's hubby of 2 years found me through a bi dating site. He pretended to be his wife and wrote to me posing as his wife, saying that I had a lot in common with her husband (him). Later on, I found out that he wanted a triad relationship from the beginning, though my profile on the dating site states that I am not interested in other men. Hope springs eternal I guess! I was also a good candidate because I was married and that showed that I didn't sleep around. This gave the impression that I had less of a chance of spreading disease like someone who was single might have.
Me and the wife met, made friends and started doing fun things together. My husband thought that I was being unfair and judging her looks too harshly. I felt that he did have a point, yet her physical build and her facial structure resembled that of my mother (when she was alive.) And yes, in public my girlfriend HAS been mistaken for my mom! Her husband also agrees that we look a little a like. I look like I am 35 and she looks 55 which she is not too far off from being, actually.
I tried to do the honorable thing and let the relationship develop, hoping that I would get over it and stop being so damned shallow. I was embarrassed to think that I was only motivated by looks. I felt guilty and ashamed. She was after all a very nice and impressive woman.
We have been physical and though it was some very pleasurable, sensual, emotional bonding, I am unable to get turned on by her. I started to wonder if I really was bisexual, but I find myself being physically attracted to other women all the time. And I might add - women who are not polished and perfect looking either.
As for her husband? Well, we DO have things in common, but I still have no interest in sleeping with other men.
Do I think that it was sneaky for him to pose as his wife? Yes I do, but his wife tells me that she was not interested in finding anyone else at the time because she was still recovering from the pain of a previous relationship. Apparently, her and her husband had a nice little threesome going on for a while, but the woman decided she was a lesbian and left the relationship. The husband still continued to look for another woman to replace their previous lover, even though his wife was depressed and felt like there wasn't anyone out there who would interest her again. She just let him do what he wanted to do . . . and then they met me through the Internet.
As for listening to my husband . . . he might have had the best intentions and might be looking out for my own best interests, but next time I have to solely rely on my gut feelings when it comes to people I date. Lesson learned, but now he thinks that I should be straight up with my girlfriend and stop leading her on. I agree. Leading someone on is not a good thing to do, but she is in love with me and I just can't get myself to cause her more pain. This is my fault and I only have myself to blame for letting it go on for so long and I feel guilty for that too. The other problem is that I genuinely enjoy her friendship and company. I do have affection for her, yet I don't want to be her lover.
We see each other twice a week. Once in a class that we take together (our common interest) and once on the weekend. We haven't had sex in many months, so technically I am not her lover - yet we are still together as a couple. Ideally, I'd like a loving girlfriend who I am also physically attracted to as well.
Yeah - sticky, twisted, situation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBINGO! That's exactly why I can't break up with her. It IS shallow. I think she is a doll, but I just can't get excited looking at her even though she is perfectly allowed to age - like we all do. I aint no spring chicken either and I have flaws of my own too. She's got a beautiful face, takes great care of herself and has a nice curvy shape. She however, resembles my mother too much as I remember her. I should have nipped this relationship off in the bud, but due to my inexperience with women I waited for things to get better.DUMB. I am not married to her, but still I don't think it is right to kick someone when they are down especially when she is going to probably get a divorce. This is when she needs my support the most. I find that many people are in relationships where physical attraction is absent. Take older couples for instance or couples who stay together for their children. There is no need to break up the relationship based on the lack of sexual attraction. I think part of my problem is that I have only been "out" for 4 years and I have never had the chance to date or fully explore my bisexuality. I would have kept it locked up and hidden away like a good girl and be happy with my man no matter what. He however, believes that I am cheating myself by repressing who I really am. It's a tough one, and more complicated than can be explained in an Internet post, but thank you for your feedback. I appreciate your honest opinion. I see how I sound like a big whiner and maybe a bit spoiled. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I'm sorry but I truly think this is so twisted. You get involved with someone you are not attracted to and then make a fuss becoz of the flaws you knew were there from the beginning! She is older and I'm sorry but at some point a woman is allowed to sag a little and have some cellulite! She is to you a sex object and you are letting her believe she has something with you. You all need counselling or something. You have very empty shallow lives. There is no difference between you and your girlfriends husband by the way!! One and the same!!
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