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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello. This isn't so much of a question as a need for reassurance. My boyfriend, of 5 and a half years, has been friends with a girl (mainly via the internet) for about 12 years. He has been to stay with her a few times, and she lives far away. When he is there he stays in her house, but other friends come to visit as well. My problem is that about 2 years ago she told him that she "loved" him, and he has not been to stay there since. He is going back in a few weeks and although I don't want to stop him from going to see his friend, I can't help but feel sick at the thought of it. I trust him completely, but not her and just the thought of her thinking anything could happen between them makes me so angry. To tell someone you love them when you have a girlfriend!!! Argh. At first he said he wouldn't go, but I have problems with friends and realise their importance- therefore I dind't want to deprive him of seeing his. However, he arranged to go again (after I had said it was fine) but I still am not happy about it. He got really annoyed at me for not wanting him to go and said he is just going to go. I keep trying to tell him that anyone would feel this way and I am not being selfish. I know how he would react if I went to stay with a boy who liked me let alone had once said they loved me!! He says it is different because he has known her for so long... I am really dreading him going, but I don't want to be all controlling : (I just want to know whether you think I am being selfish or whether I am perfectly reasonable in feeling this way!Thank you so much for your help,xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello- this is an update.Thank you all so much for replying.Your suggestions to go with him aren't so simple- she lives at the other side of the country and I can't really afford to go. Plus it won't just be him and her, a whole group of them get together (it just so happens he will be staying in her house- but her mother and grandmother live there too.) They get together and do things like play computer games, a week of that sounds like hell to me! Plus he doesn't spend all his time talking to her on the internet, he has just known her through it for a long time.I am really worried about bringing it up again because he got annoyed with me, I wish I could ask him to stay with someone else but he just doesn't seem to see the problem and it just looks like I don't trust him. Which I do. Just not her!Thank you so much for your advice. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Your boyfriend should be able to have female friends but I would feel exactly the same in your position. He obviously likes the attention this woman gives him. If it was me I wouldn't even let him speak to her on the internet. I know that sounds really controlling, but when she told him she loved him, it was a clear signal that she nolonger wants to be just friends. I would tell him you want to go with him. If there is nothing going on between them, then he shouldn't have any objection to this. You will have an opportunity to meet this woman and see for yourself what she is like. I wonder why you haven't been introduced sooner, especially as they've been friends for 12 years and youve been dating for 5+ years. If he spends most of his time chatting to him on the internet then I am sorry to say I do suspect something is going on with them. If its only an email once a month then its probably harmless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Firstly I think you are very respectful towards your boyfriend as his own friendships are clearly important to him. One thing that puzzles me somewhat is that you have been going out with this guy for 5 years.... yet you have not met this internet 'friend'? That strikes me as odd in itself only because surely he would want you to meet his friends? You have not made him feel bad, she is not a secret - so why not let you into the friendship. Also, if you were friends with a guy (which I'm sure you are) you would be pleased to be friends with his girlfriend too - that would be natural wouldn't it!! I think he is intrigued and you are correct that she is being disrespectful now - her feelings for him have grown and the basis of their friendship has changed (at least on her part). He is putting you in a difficult position and if he knows it is hurting you then he should put your feelings before hers. I think you have to let him go to see her - but ask if you can join him because you need a holiday.
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