A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Apologizes in advance for the long post but I really need advice.My husband and I have been married for five months. We dated for 2.5 years long distance. I moved to his city post-marriage.During the time we dated, he was always very sweet and loving, even during the times we met up in person and hung out. He is known to be a jovial, funny guy but he was very considerate to me while we were dating. After we got married he changed. He is always trying to push my buttons, and is always sarcastic with me. He always disagrees with whatever I tell him, but once he realizes I am starting to get annoyed he finally agrees with me.For example, I will be in the middle of doing the dishes and I ask him if he can take out the trash. He says no. I ask him again, he says no again. Finally I finish doing the dishes and move to take out the trash and he immediately leaves whatever he is doing and takes it out himself.Just this morning, I asked him if he can make breakfast. I make breakfast almost all the days. He does, sometimes, (after I ask him a few times). He says no and starts playing his video game. I asked him again if he is going to make something, he just ignored me. I then go into the kitchen and start to prepare breakfast and he comes running into the kitchen and tells me he will do it.This happens all the time. Even if I say 'oh look at that dog, it is so cute', he goes like 'no, its ugly' ; even if its the cutest. And its like this for every opinion I have about anything. If I ask him about how I look after I dress up, he will say something like 'you are wearing too much/little makeup' , 'you look fat/funny in the outfit'. And when I start to object, he will laugh and say 'relax, you look fine'. But it makes me second guess myself. I am starting to feel really fed up. He is always acting goofy, always playfully hitting me, making fun of me. I have told him time and again, that I get very irritated when he behaves like this. I am a very patient person, and it takes a lot to get on my nerves, but he seems to be getting on my nerves every single day. He stopped being romantic after the wedding, he never does anything to surprise me and make me feel happy. He is always quick to criticize anything I do or say, and rarely compliments me. I am currently looking for a job, and I cook, clean the house and keep it tidy, do the laundry and make sure the house is running well. Even then he will say 'oh the food is not tasty today, or the house is so messy' even though the food is good or the house is extremely clean and tidy with nothing out of place. When I ask him to point out why he said that, he laughs and says he is just kidding.He wasn’t like this at all before our marriage. I have spoken to him multiple times about this. He tries to be a bit more considerate but after a few days he is back to normal.He has a great family, who I am close to. He also has a really nice group of friends that we always hang out, and they are really nice and we get along well. I even hang out with him and his colleagues after his work, and I find them all really nice people. He has a good job, and is well liked by everyone. Everyone who knows him really likes him and says he is a great guy. I thought so too, when we were dating. I don't know why he started behaving like this the minute we got married. I am a very patient and quiet person, and I get along well with everyone and always have been surrounded by amazing family and friends, which I am very grateful for. It takes a lot to annoy me but he has been continuously getting on my nerves and I don't know what to do.I am beginning to resent him and I don't want to. Any advice would be appreciated.
View related questions:
long distance, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 This is who he really is. It just seems that you didn't see that as you where not living together. The saying ' you never know someone until you live with them ' is so so true. I honestly think nobody should get married until they live together. You both don't work together. His personality is to be goofy and laugh around, while yours is more stricter and then he ends up annoying you. Its not nice being at the receiving end off his jokey behavior. But you need to start looking after yourself and see will it help. Clean up after yourself not him, do your own meals not his and he will hopefully learn not to take you for granted.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): He is a narcissist by nature. Putting the best show in front of his colleagues and friends. Only the person who stay 24hrs with him will know his true character. Narcissists people will always try to stir up his loved one emotion and leave no excuse for his loved one to accuse him. The examples that you given just show that. You told him to bring the trash out, cook breakfast etc etc. In the end he will only silence u by telling that eventually he did bring the trash out and cook the breakfast blah blah..yet you don't feel good at all. A normal person character shall persist and retain during courting stage and marriage. This is why you trust him and willing to entrust your future to him and creating a promising future together. If you still stay with for Long, sooner or later you will lose your identity and be disoriented regarding your own relationship stand. You will slip into depression wandering what wrong with yourself and what did you just said to him. Believe me, a normal person will not say an animal is ugly when it is cute. Even though it doesn't look cute to him, he wouldn't have said it ugly unless it is meant for you to hear it. There are so many red flags here and I would suggest u leave him soon before something big happen to you. Imagine will you behave in the same way as he is to your marriage partner? Nobody in the right mind will do that. For me marriage is about respect love and compassion for one another. It is about feeling good for each other and not feeling frustrated every single moment when you with your partner. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 Stop doing all the house work. You are busy looking for a job, that is your job. You are not his cleaning lady. So stop doing that immediately. You share the chores, end of story. Stop asking him to take out the trash. If its his turn, just leave it there. If he says no to making breakfast, make it only for yourself. If he says the food is bad, take it away from him. And if he says shit about your looks, go out without him. He needs to earn your respect, not just get it for free.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2017): My advice to you is to read 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It will answer all your questions. Your husband is abusive. I understand that you probably won't believe it. He is manifesting so many abusive tactics. Being lovely whilst dating and then changing as soon as you are committed to him. Making you angry and to start to lose confidence in yourself. He wants you to lose your confidence and your judgement. Men like him want subservient wives and they achieve this by doing what he's doing. It's difficult to explain abuse in a paragraph or two especially when it's such an emotive word and something I don't suppose you've ever considered him to be. Please believe me when I say this is something that I am one hundred percent sure of. I've had this experience more times than I wish to admit and he is showing the signs. Loud and clear. Read the book and you will recognize his behaviour between the pages. At least then you will know what you are dealing with. Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 May 2017):
 OP, I think THIS is who he really is. YOU just didn't see that side of him BEFORE you started living together.
Visiting each other is a LOT like a mini vacation rather than domesticity. I know this because I went through an LDR for 18 months and then we married and THEN we lived together. (We did spend 3 months living together before the marriage but it was still not so long that either of us really got to know each other's little quirks).
While we fairly fast found a routine living together, there were still things we BOTH had to ADJUST to and some that now after 20 years STILL bothers me and he STILL does, lol.
YOU need to talk to him. YOU NEED to spell it out. And YOU need to decide what YOU want to do if it doesn't change.
Honestly? (and this is just guesswork) I think he is resenting that you aren't working. That you haven't found a job yet. That he TAKES you for granted. What you do (take care of the house) he sees as nothing compared to what HE does (work, bring home the bacon.
So IF I were you I would ALSO work as HARD as you can on getting a job. NOT so much for HIS sake but for your own independence. Let's say for instance that he doesn't change, he continues to be an ASSHAT (which he is). WITH a job you can say, you know what? I'm not staying. This is not working for me. I'm NOT you live in maid and verbal punching bag.
Mostly, I say TALK - MAKE him aware of his behavior and How it makes you feel. Then give it a few months and see if he ADJUST his behavior OR not and then... you have another decision to make. Go or stay and suck it up. Don't tell him right out the gate that HE needs to change OR else... Don't make it an ultimatum but MAKE him aware. He might actually think he is hilarious and it's all "harmless" fun. Obviously, it's NOT. At least not on YOUR end.
...............................
|
