A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This isn't about a romantic relationship, but I am at the end of my rope. I desperately need help but I am petrified because it seems hopeless.Let me preface this by saying that I had an emergency surgery a few days ago... I am heavily medicated with prescription narcotics for the pain and getting my thoughts together is overwhelming but I will try my best to write my question so that it makes sense. I feel so overwhelmed and I don't know where to start. I have a family member who is sucking the life force out of me and ruins my life. My actual relationship is complicated. He's not from another marriage, he's my mom's other kid but I don't accept him as my brother. I just call him my stepbrother. I'm four years older, and my parents divorced when I was a kid. My father eventually remarried and I don't see him often. I live with my mother and with "Tyler." I lived on my own for several years, but ever since I've come home, Tyler has made my life into a nightmare. I don't know what his problem is, but he has bullied me and ruined my life in so many ways and has stressed my mom out, and I fear for her health and mine. He has a way of manipulating everyone so that he looks like a poor innocent victim and I look like a monster, but it's obvious that he is hostile and has an agenda to harm me. We live under his reign of terror. He's bullied us all in various ways, but typically what he does is to find something I did to piss him off, real or imaginary and go to my mom and start screaming at her about how my behavior is "criminal" and she is "enabling" me. It's always something minor or something I'm unaware is a problem, and he has a way of screwing with everyone's head and making me feel like a criminal. For example, if I go to the toilet, he gets mad because it makes a noise. Then he'll go up to my mom's room, and start screaming obscenities about how she "enables" my "criminal" behavior, and how I've "treate her like sh*t for 34 years." I have panic and anxiety disorders and these episodes send me into a tailspin. All this stuff I do that supposedly pisses him off... he can't just go to me and say "please don't do that" like a civilized person. he goes and bullies my mom about it and freaks us all out. He barges into my personal space and refuses to go away whenever I need to talk to my mom alone. He just barges in with his stinky feet and starts roaring at me. Sometimes he threatens to call the police on me and have me charged with domestic violence. My crime? When I have panic attacks, I go to my mom to have her comfort me. He pulls this "good son protecting his mother" act when in reality he is killing her with his drama, is unbelievably rude and inconsiderate but has freaked everyone out and manipulated everyone with his head games.He invites himself into my bedroom, and is entitled to do so because I'm an adult living in my mother's house. He is well over 18 himself, and lives here for free. I work full time, and I do chores for my mom and give her money. He loafs and makes dirty messes for me to clean. He comes into my room and calls me fat, ugly, a porker and a bitch. This upsets me profoundly, but when I complain, my mom calls me childish.My mom can't control him and I feel like I can't stand up for myself because it will result in a fight and I worry it will affect her health in a negative way.Here is the catalyst that pushed everything past breaking point street. As I write this, I am very sick and struggling to heal from surgery. Last week, my appendix ruptured and I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. As I write this, my abdomen is sliced open and held together with surgical glue and I am so heavily medicated with narcotics to control my excruciating pain that I can barely type. Tyler started the minute I came home from the hospital. He freaked out and screamed at my mom to kick me out because I went to the toilet. He took it out of context and said that I was banging the toilet seat every 30 minutes. Tonight a couple of very wonderful friends came over to visit me, and I had really been looking forward to it. I told my mom they were coming and they seemed cool with it. Tyler's reaction was unbelievably spiteful. He went up to my mom and threw a fit about how **I** was being inconsiderate (I asked her, not him) and then threatened to spend the night in a hotel (she gets upset whenever he's not at home late at night) and he acted really hurt... "I'm going to a hotel." I started having an anxiety attack and called my mom, and he barged into the room when we were talking and started roaring and threatening. I told him to get lost, and he refused to leave and started screaming and saying lies about me. I'm in bed, stomach sliced open, in pain, just had surgery and I'm having a panic attack and he threatened to call the police and have me arrested for "domestic violence." He said that "all I want is for you to have a little courtesy to ask before you have guests over and quit treating your mother like sh*t!" Ever since I returned home from my surgery he has become more and more hostile to me. I am having panic attacks and nightmares every night.Here's the caveat. I know what you're thinking, but moving out of the house is not an option for me. I lived on my own for several years, but I went through some traumas during that time and I have panic and anxiety disorders and I CANNOT live on my own. We live in a state that isn't my home state, and I am profoundly unhappy living here. Furthermore, I feel like I shouldn't be cheated out of my home. I live in the USA and our healthcare system sucks... we don't have the same access to health care that people in other countries get, and getting affordable care is really hard and I am also facing crushing medical debt on top of everything else. I feel like I do a lousy job sticking up for myself. Whenever this drama occurs, I get so freaked out that I can't think of anything to say in response, but later I think of a million things I could have said. Tonight with my friends' visit. He said that it's my mom's house, not mine. I should have said that it's not his house and I didn't need his permission to have friends visit. (Why does it upset him that I have friends over?) He always has an excuse for bullying me, and falsely accuses me of behavior that merits punishment, but what motivates him is hostility. He's unbelievably rude and inconsiderate to my mom and I'm scared it will damage her health. Tyler doesn't care. For example, my mom is a chronic worrier and she freaks out whenever Tyler doesn't let her know if he'll be home late. All she asks is that he leave a note or call, but he refuses to do that. He either ignores her calls or cusses her out for calling his cell, and she has repeatedly had breakdowns because she didn't know where he was. He does stuff to deliberately upset me and then attacks me verbally for becoming upset. The surgeon that took my appendix out told me that my infection was so severe that I would die if I didn't have it out right away. Before I went into surgery, I was more stressed out about coming home than I was about being operated on. I literally wish I had just died on the operating table because my life at home is a nightmare and I can't take it anymore. I am beginning to believe that my body because seriously ill because my spirit needed to heal from all the brokenness I'm dealing with in my life. I'm terrified, thinking what next? My heart? Cancer? Some incurable autoimmune disease? He always finds a way to justify the bullying and make me look like I'm at fault. Once he smashed my fingers on my left hand (I'm left handed) in the door and I am terrified that one day they will have to be amputated, and my life will be ruined because I'm an artist and musician and need my hands. I got blamed for that attack because I said something that pissed him off. I don't think he's human, I think he's the cruelest demon that ever crawled out of the pits of hell and I wish with my whole heart that he was a bad dream. He has shattered a lifetime of dreams and my life is such a mess that I feel hopeless. I am beyond the age of meeting someone and settling down, and I missed my chance at marriage and a family of my own, so if I were to move out on my own, it would mean being on my own forever... and I have no immediate family. I don't belong anywhere or feel like I have a future, just a life of loneliness and pain ahead of me. I am terrified that he is going to kill or cripple one of us, I can't leave, I can't stay and my mother can't/won't control him. I can't even heal physically with all this on me. I would like to just go back to the hospital forever but realistically I have nowhere to go at all. Please help me because I have reached the end of my rope. I can't leave home now and I can't take this anymore. I'm afraid he is going to kill my mother or cause me to become incurably ill. He has actually admitted that he wants me to commit suicide. He is evil, I actually think he is a demon and I wish he didn't exist. Please, please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 January 2016):
 First, I have a few questions.
Your mother called you childish in one of those episodes, but how does she typically respond when he makes these outlandish accusations against you? What is her attitude toward you?
Does she acknowledge what he is and what he's doing but feels powerless to stop it or does she have blinders on?
How did your friend respond when he went on the rampage during their visit? How close are these friends to you? Are they just coffee chums or is your friendship with them a little more solid than that?
When you say he makes you look like the monster, do you mean you FEEL like a monster by the time he's done or have other relatives believed him and openly supported him?
I assume you have some kind of income, social assistance, or something meager as it is. Is this correct?
I would think that over the years there has been the odd occasion where you and/or your mother stood up to him. How did he respond then? And how did you feel afterward?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): HiYes i can see your anxiety, please remember that 'some' of this anxiety will be bigger at this moment in time,which in turn;is making you even more anxious. You have to try and calm your mind (this can be done by you. I am going to suggest an idea that may help you,as at this moment you 'are'in this environment and it takes time to sort living situations out properly.Please have a go at listening to some calming music,and if you have any art equipment, do some art. (I know this helps a lot of people)when peoples mental health is at a low. Try not to 'think' too much about the next day because it's in the 'moment' that you need calm. Your mind runs away with you when you suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and yes brings physical symptoms on with it. Stay centered, breath well, don't look at your surgery, it only makes you anxious. I work in health care,the body can manage so much more than we give it credit for. At some point as the other aunts have suggested, your living accommodation needs to change (for everyone's well being) and you need to understand that their is help somewhere out there to give you peace. Fear immobilizes you, learn as much as possible about what panic attacks are and see about joining a group who go through the same anxieties as you. Your fear has to be faced for it to go away, living independently is possible ( if however you are saying you have diagnosed ongoing mental health issues, then this needs professional assistance to get you suitable living accommodation.For now I still suggest the arts( especially relaxing music) as a therapeutic tool for stress and anxiety. Please don't be scared anymore , we are all here for you.:)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 You need to take control of your life, you have in your end that your life is doomed so you won't fight for it to be good. You need to start thinking positively. Your mum may not always be there to comfort you so you need to learn to look after yourself.
Maybe there is some place over there where you can share rent so you won't be living on your own. Also you say you are past marriage, kids, love. Why? You are still young, still plenty of life in you, you just need to get up and live it. Yes am sure you have dealt with some bad stuff in your past, but so has everyone its how you deal with it now that will affect your future. Don't be so negative or else you will never live your life. Forger Tyler move on with your life and show him how great you can actually be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): OP here again... I struggle to get my feelings into words, but here goes.I have fallen into a deep depression because I don't see anything to look forward to in my future. I feel sure I missed my chance at marriage and family, and the only thing in my life that makes it meaningful is my mom. I'm not the perfect daughter, but I love my mom so much I would do anything for her.I seriously can't handle the thought of leaving my mom at the moment because once I leave (again because I've been on my own before) I will NEVER again have a family to come home to. I feel like there is nothing in my future to look forward to and I don't know how to handle that... I'm not young anymore and feel like my life is over. I will never again have anyone to love me, or to greet me at the door or to comfort me when I am sad. Just come home to darkness and loneliness. How can I live without mutual love, and a future of loneliness?I have a job now, and I have had a serious of lousy jobs but I've hardly ever done anything my heart was in. I can't handle not being fulfilled in life and having no love.
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (7 January 2016):
Yes you CAN live on your own! You really can do this! Don't give in to all those negative thoughts, you just pay no heed to them and do what is good for you, your health, and your life.Whatever he tells you, they're only words. They might hurt, but only if you give them any thought - remember that in the end your self-worth comes from yourself not from anyone else.You should first concentrate on recovering after your surgery. But simultaneously I would suggest that you start looking for another home and a job.I'm not saying that you're imagining your disabilities, but you cannot let your disabilities dictate your life in a negative way. There are so many people that have started off at a huge disadvantage, but they didn't allow circumstances to dictate their self-worth and goals. If your mind says you can't do this, then don't listen to it. Find a goal that is good for your life, and stick to it no matter what.I have heard about the healthcare system in the US - it really is extremely expensive, but in the end, do not completely depend on the government to take care of all your needs. Do whatever you can on your own, and use the benefits only as some added support.Try not to engage with your stepbrother. He probably sadistically enjoys making you upset - he gets his self-worth from knowing that your feelings within yourself are a slave to what he says to you. Do not give him that. I would suggest reading this book that made an immense impact to my life, it's simply beautiful - 'A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose' by Eckhart Tolle. It is incredible.Start on it immediately. Try and read it in a library or somewhere where you will not get disturbed. I'm sure it will touch you deeply.All the very best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 Let me play devil's advocate for a moment, I want to know what plans you have put in place for when the moment comes that you can no longer live with your mother, or run to her for comfort. Have you considered what you will do if she cannot be there for you, for whatever reason?
You must acknowledge and recognise the fact that that moment is coming. Your mother is not going to be able to be there for you for ever and ever.
At some stage in the future you are going to have to find somewhere else to live, and to cope without your mother ... maybe for the sake of your health and for your mother's peace of mind you need to consider making that happen sooner rather than later.
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