A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am at a cross roads in my life. I am having problems with my wife of 7 years. She is 15 years older and I moved from another country to be with her.We have similar interests and hopes and all that, and even now we get on really well. Recently she told me that she'd being lying to me and concealing things to keep us both happy. I used to ask her about it but she would always tell me what I wanted to hear, but I wanted truth. The issue is something we could deal with, but finding out about all the lies and deceit was a real kick in the stomach. I always thought I could sense something wrong but she would always hide it. This issue brought a lot of others to the surface for me (we are talking about all of this right now).I miss my home country - desperately at the moment but that could be becuase of the other problems (I can't tell yet).We've had huge problems with an older child of hers - nothing to do with me - he's been in and out of jail several times and I want nothing to do with him, but of course my wife needs to stay in touch. I understand totally. I just feel a bit burned out from the problems we had over the first couple of years, and its possible it contributed to how I feel now.We planned to move to the country. My wife will be able to retire and there will no real jobs/career for me if we go. I'm starting to wondering if thats really what I want. I love the place, but (and I never thought I'd hear myself say this) I'm not sure I'm ready to retire yet. We have big problems in communicating (not just the lies above). She's not used to it after a string of bad relationships and an awful marriage. We never really have the involved discussions that I'd like.I find myself not listening to her recently.I REAllY cant take much more of the place we live, but my wife has to stay because of her child from the disaster marriage and her company benefits.I have a decent job but it is utterly unfulfilling. I want to change careers but there is no point if we are to retire soon.She can be very moody, almost to the point of having another personality sometimes, and she never apologizes for the stuff she'll say.I wondering if we're reaching different stages of our lives and will want different things. I can feel us start to pull in different directions. I dont know, maybe I'm looking for faults now. I'm very confused about what I should do. I know if I left it would be heart breaking for both of us, but if its the right thing to do... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (12 September 2008):
 You need to sit down and have a really good talk and I think she really needs to listen to what you want. From what you say it seems that you have done most of the giving and she has done most of the taking. It would be a mistake for you to retire so young - what would you do all day? Would you have to depend on your wife financially? Not a good idea. You either move forward together and work things out together, or you go off in different directions. Clearly you have had enough of making compromises for her. Yes you are at different stages in your lives but you should be able to work a plan for your future around that.
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