A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,well im 18 years old and just feeling down in the dumps lately :( i can't seem to get a boyfriend or even a guy that likes mei dont know what to do now, i just feel really depressed all the time about it.im not a shy girl at all, and i personally dont think im THAT ugly (others might think so) and i wouldnt class myself as fat (im a curvy size 12) :S but it seems that every guy who gets to know me ends up being a really good friend BUT THATS IT!!!!they just see me as the really cool girl whos a friend, like most of my friends that i hang around with in college are guys (i have loads of girl friends but they go to different colleges)and i tend to do what they like doing, going to the pub (i can drink them all under the table lol), watching the game, chilling with the guys, and they all turn to me when they've got relationship problems, etc (i dont fancy any of my guy friends in college and they think of me as their little sister anyways).i know most of u are picturing this dorky girl who dresses like a boy but im not like that either i do dress like a girl, i wear heels, and loads of girly jewelry (i dont wear make up i hate the stuff)i like being the girl thats a friend but i want at least one guy to like me abit more :(am i doing something wrong? or are guys just not interestd in me cus im not attractive? please help any advice suggesttions would be appreciatedxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice guys, urmm i have 1 more thoughhow do you know if a guy likes u as a friend or likes u as sumthing abit more than a friendi know it sounds stupid but because i treat all guys the same i dont really know :Si dont want to ask my mates incase they laugh at me xx
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 Maybe you are a late blo(o)mer? As you said, you don't fancy anyone yet. So perhaps you are just not ready yet, you rather play with the guys, then play with boys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess what im trying to say is that most of my girl friends have boyfriends (they also think im pretty cool as a friend but none of them wud consider me as their girlfriends)
I do want a boyfriend but i dont want to 'act' like sum1 im not i hate the girls that do that and tbh i dont think i have to wear make up im not bad looking
Your right though i do act too friendly, but then again i dont really know how to flirt
oh god, i sound like such a loser :( x
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (29 November 2009):
You don't fancy any of the guys you are friends with... so which guy is that you wish likes you a bit more?
Do you want to be fancied, or find someone to love who loves you?
Any case, you are probably giving of the wrong signals. Think dogs, if you act fearful, they attack. Act confident, they see you as one of the pack. The guys you are with probably were interested in the beginning, looked for a signal from you what your intentions were and got "friend".
Be a little bit less one of the boys. You are not, you can be friends and don't have to act all girly, but don't air "I am a boy".
Heels don't matter, we men don't look down that far. Do use some make-up, think of it as war-paint, is signals your intentions to the enemy, eh other sex.
Cut down on the jewelery. What I get from you is a very mixed message with to much of one thing and not enough of another. Balance it out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): My 18yo step-daughter had exactly this problem. Since she looks and dresses just stunningly, I don't think looks have anything to do with it.I think that two things were happening.Firstly, you know their world. Their pathetic half-truths aimed at impressing a date, their attempts to look interesting by knowing about cars or amine or whatever. The stuff they'll try on to get into a girl's knickers. You you all this, it isn't going to work on you, and so they're not stupid enough to try.Secondly, you are more valuable to them than a gf. You are one of the few reasonable women they know. Mostly at school they just encounter unreasonable girls. You don't go off and spread rumours concerning them just to make life more interesting. You don't cut a boy down just because he dared speak with you. They can speak with you as an equal and in safety, without causing a flood of text messages around the school.You are not doing anything wrong. There's a positive side from my step-daughter's experience. When she turned 19 one of the boys asked her out. He knew he couldn't try anything on, but that was fine because he decided he'd just have a go as plain old him with no BS and see how he went. She'd known him, his interests, his character because they'd talked for all those years. So once they'd decided to make a go of it, it was a solid thing. They've been dating two years and will marry next year.Now it's easy to look back and say "this will pass, so why are you depressed?" But I'm not going to say that. The truth is once you are an adult most people find it hard to live their life without sharing it with someone they love. We simply can't expect that someone to appear when we first feel that need, and the years of waiting can be hard. But if we fill that hole in our life with the wrong person, we can ruin our happiness forever (just look around this website for the proof). So some responsibility is needed.There are two truths here:1. We can't be with someone just to validate ourselves. To get a bf just to show that we can. Or worse, to only feel wanted if we are with someone/anyone. I'm sure you know people like that, and they are not happy. We have the self-confidence (most of the time) that we are worthwhile people, and that others find us worthwhile, and someday.... But because with are worthy people, we don't put our lives on hold for that someday. [The irony is that no one is attracted to the needy, but if someone is living an interesting life already, then others are attracted to them. So the conundrum is that if you *want* a partner, you mustn't *need* a partner, if you get the distinction.]2. We can't allow disappointments to become depression. It's fine to be disappointed that we've yet to find a person to share out life with. It's not fine if a disappointment becomes an obsession, if we allow it to distort our character. And it's time for medical treatment if that distortion leads to an inability to function in life or recurring thoughts of self-harm. But for most people, all that is needed to ward off depression is to "keep yourself nice" -- to do the best at everyday life that we can.
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