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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Okay, what do I do?! I'll try and be as detailed as I can. I was with a girl for about 6 or 7 years off and on. Now I'm going to be totally honest. At the beginning of our relationship I didn't treat her well. I was young so I'd rather be out with my mates or just doing silly things. (Let me just state - I never, ever went behind her back though!) But I just enjoyed going out and having a good time for the first couple of years. This caused trouble as all her friends told her to get rid of me! I was always the bad one! Which led to me walking out a lot because I couldn't be bothered with the fighting. Then I don't know what happened. I just woke up one morning and said time to settle down. And I did. I took her away to America, proposed, bought a house with her. Really tried to settle down. But still I was the bad guy! She'd cast up the way I treated her in the beginning. Anyway, my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer and later it was terminal. As a result the relationship really deteriorated and she had an affair. Again this was my fault because I wasn't 'any fun anymore' as she put it. We worked through it and managed to stay together. Anyway, when my Dad passed away I went back to my Parents to keep my Mum company. Then my ex told me she was pregnant but wasn't having the baby because she didn't feel it was the right time. I was inconsolable. I had just lost my Dad and now she was doing this. Anyway, that was just over a year ago. I've started to get my life back on track. But my ex won't go away. She's friends with my brothers partner. They have kids. And it's my niece's birthday next week. But my ex is taking her sisters kids to the party. So to avoid trouble myself and my Mum are not going just so there is not a scene. And it's for the kids and we don't want to spoil the day for the kids. I don't think it's right, but if I say anything I'm the bad guy! I don't want to say to my brother because I don't want him and his partner fighting. I've also got back into my djing and running club nights. Anyway, my brother phoned tonight to ask if she could come, and I said, 'No'! But my brother asked why not? I told him I simply don't want her at my night. She's not doing anything wrong, but she's just there and if I say anything I'm the bad guy! She manipulates things. What do I do? How do I get rid of her? Please help?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (2 February 2012):
true you may have behaved inappropriately at the beginning of the relationship, but since then she's done more than her fair share of inappropriate behavior.
I don't think you can "get rid of her" if she's friends with your brother's wife. But you can choose to not let her have as much of an impact on your thoughts and feelings. One way is to avoid her, as you've been doing. But that can only go so far if it severely restricts your relationship with your brother. Another thing is to not go out of your way to avoid her, continue to do what you were going to do anyway whether or not she's going to be there. She shouldn't have so much control over your life that she determines where you go and when. Then when she is there, simply ignore her and do not engage with her. If she keeps trying to bait you into something, and repeatedly fails she will get tired of it and quit eventually. This could take a long time, though, so you have to be prepared for that.
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