A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on how to deal with the things going on in my life at the moment. I Will tell u the back story. My husband and I were involved in an accident a few years ago and it left my husband significantly physically disabled and I'm now his main carer. He has been amazingly brave and we have tried to overcome all the obstacles together. We always wanted to be parents and have been going through fertility treatment in secret for the last 7 month's because we wanted to surprise our parents, especially my husband's as he is an only child. Well we are expecting twins and are so over the moon. We told his parents yesterday, surprising them with our 12 week scan. They completely flipped out in a bad way. They told us we were ridiculous for bringing twins into the world with all our problems and that we would struggle. They even went as far as to suggest that The babies aren't my husband's. We are both absolutely heart broken. Being a parent is both of our dearest wishes. My husband's disability is physical not mental so he entered into it with perfect understanding. I've since had several angry phone calls. I'm so confused and hurt please can someone help?
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I was totally shocked to read your letter.
Surely after everything you have both been through you would have thought that your husband's parents would be thrilled that something so wonderful is happening for you both.
I really cannot understand such a horrible reaction.
All I can say to you is stop taking their calls and visiting them.
You should surround yourself with positive, happy people and avoid stress for you and your babies.
Hopefully your in laws will come round to the idea and apologise for their disgusting behaviour if not, stuff them.
Please try not to let these awful people ruin what should be an amazing time in your lives.
Many congratulations to both you and your husband with such a fabulous outcome to your IVF.
I wish you happiness AB x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): The outlaws are a couple of plonkers and I would tell them to keep their nose out. Obviously they do not take their turn in the 'care role' to give you respite shoudld you need it, maybe this is why they are truly worried that they may have to do a little care or babysitting.
The angry phone calls need to stop and Both you and your future twinnies just enjoy been a family.
Their son is physically disabled have they not thought what a great joy these children will bring to their sons life. Sure you'll struggle but so do many people in different ways, when were we told that life was going to be easy.
Remind the outlaws that they will be proud grandparents and can do their share to STOP you struggling, if they are so concerned.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 March 2014):
 I'm sure if you two have gone through fertility treatments that you are financially prepared for kids, so I won't even go there.
Your In-laws are idiots wrapped in morons.
I would leave them be for a while, FOCUS on your pregnancy - CONGRATS by the way! and your husband.
Hopefully they will come around, if not.. then it's without a doubt THEIR loss (I think they will though babies have a way of making people forget dumb stuff).
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 March 2014):
 Oh screw them. Just ignore them, stop talking to them if they insist on behaving this way. You are adults, and you are intelligent enough to make the right choices that fit you (as a couple). You can inform his parents that as adult, you do what you want with your lives and you are in charge of your own lives, and if they don't agree then no one asked for their blessing and they cam keep their mouths shut until they figure out that THEY do not get to dictate how you and your husband will lives your lives.
Really, they sound like power hungry control freaks, pardon my language. Let them cool down and ignore them until they start behaving properly. They do not have a say in this, and it is time they are told so.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 March 2014):
 What are his disabilities? Why did you need IVF? Did you use donor sperm?
Who will look after him when you are looking after the twins?
Perhaps a solid written plan will allay their fears for their son. If the whole idea of your having children has come out of the blue for them, no wonder they are confused and surprised. Sometimes surprising someone in this way isn't the best idea, as you've discovered.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (23 March 2014):
 Congratulations on the twins! What a blessing!I love twins.I hope to have a love like yours and your husband's. I am sorry the in laws are douche bags.. please do not let them spoil this beautiful season. You are pregnant, you need care.Perhaps it's time for some distance. They are too involved. You are adults and married. The idea that you need to ask for anyone's permission is ridiculous. Fuck them
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 March 2014):
 I guess the best you and Hubby can do is recognize that his parents are idiots, and get on with your lives....
You may have to ignore them - and their stupidity - for a while.... but, who knows?, maybe they will wake up some day....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (23 March 2014):
Dear OP,
I am so sorry to hear about this.
I suppose your in-laws need some time to let this sink in, because apparently they didn't know you were planning on having a baby and underwent fertility treatment, so they must have thought you two will stay childless.
So, while you had time to think about how to deal with a child (or two), they were taken by surprise and only thought about the possible difficulties for you. It might have seemed to them like it was something more spontaneous and thoughtless, because they didn't see your whole decision-making process and they don't know the considerations you made.
And you are not their child, so they possibly blame you for it and think you're the one trying to "hook him up".
My advice would be to give it some time. My parents freaked out about stuff in the past, but when they had some time to think and let their emotions fade a little, it was all okay in the end.
After all, you two have the power to prove them wrong in the end, by being happy and good parents (who deal with the occasional struggle every parent would have).
Maybe next time when you have news for them.. don't surprise them. Discuss openly what you want in the future, even if they disagree at first. That way, they feel more included in the whole process and more in control.
Good luck with your twins!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 March 2014):
 Bad initial reaction from his parents who are probably still mourning the loss of their fully able bodied son.
Disabled people can easily be parents. I am HOPING that your accident (while sad) has left you two with a financial settlement so that funds are not an issue.
The best thing to do is let time heal this. For right now you would probably want to distance yourself from his parents who probably have a very antiquated view of folks with disabilities. It will be amazing what time will heal. Once the babies are born, and you two show them that you can handle it I'm sure they will change and like YouWish said.. regret deeply their visceral response.
IF you have never been close enough to them for them to even KNOW you were trying fertility treatments (and around here we know even when our FRIENDS are trying) then they are truly shocked. Perhaps the fact that their son is disabled overwhelms THEM and they think they will be forced to help either physically of financially.
Basically I would tell them you accept that they are fearful and concerned but that you must surround yourself with peace and tranquility now and that talking negatively about something that is happening whether they approve or not is counter productive for all. Invite them to be with you when they are ready to be positive and not before.
Best of luck to you. And I'm sure once they see that NO burden will fall on them, they will change. Give it time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2014): If you are your husband's primary carer, how do you go to work? Do you work fulltime? If you don't work fulltime, how do you expect to feed and clothe not one but two babies? Childcare for a month in the UK for a working mum is more than £800 a month. Do you earn enough to pay that on top of daily living expenses?
Obviously the choice to be parents is yours and congratulations on the good news. But on a practical level, make sure that you.can take care of the family you want.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 March 2014):
 Wow, what a heartbreaking response from his parents. Life is always a good thing, and just because your husband now carries physical disabilities doesn't mean that he is an invalid who is disqualified from being a fantastic father.
I have no doubts that in time, they will look upon their reaction to this as nothing short of the worst regret they have ever committed. And their accusation that your twins may not be his not only insults your honor, but insults their own son as well, as if he's not a man and could not produce offspring. My aunt married a quadriplegic who was the love of her life until he died. Others who have had disabilities have become parents. The measure of a man is not in whether or not he can play catch, but in the way he raises his son to be good and noble and true.
You have nothing to prove in terms of patronage, because in truth, this is yours and your husband's business. You know that you didn't cheat on him, and having a paternity test would settle the matter once and for all, but in my opinion, their words are near unforgivable. They insulted your husband and you.
Both of you hold onto your attitudes that life can continue, and that an accident or a traumatic life event can't stop you both from living life to the fullest, and that means having kids. You are sound of body and mind, and he is sound of mind, and apparently he can still reproduce, so he's far from being an invalid.
Why are there several angry phone calls? They've said their opinion, so what more is there to be said? Are they this determined to disown their son by their aspersions? Where are they getting that you are cheating on him besides the fact that they think that their son is incapable of reproductive function!??
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