A
female
age
36-40,
*adylucy
writes:I apologize in advance. This is a very lengthy question, but I feel it's really complicated so I shouldn't spare any important details. I am completely hooked on my best guy friend (Andy). He makes me smile and laugh all the time and I spend way too much of my time talking to him and thinking about him. I met Andy about 5 years ago, through my boyfriend at the time (John). Since Andy and John were so close, we all spent a lot of time together and even lived together for about a year until Andy moved out of town for college. As time went on, the friendship that Andy and I had grew stronger and the friendship that Andy and John had grew weaker. Andy was always there to talk when John and I had problems. After a few years, I could tell that the way I felt about Andy wasn't just a normal friend feeling so I tried hard to oppress the feelings I had and continued to date John. I never mentioned anything to Andy or John about how I felt. Finally in March, John and I decided that things were just never going to work out and we cut off our 4 year roller coaster of a relationship. A week later, John had a new girlfriend and a month later she moved into our house and replaced me. He's still my friend and I want him to be happy and since things didn't work out for the two of us to be happy together, I try to keep a positive mind and think that hopefully this girl will help him build a better future and yada yada. Anyway, I decided after the breakup that I needed to move to finish college and just get a fresh start. After months of decision making, it turned out that the best place for me educationally, is the same university Andy attends. When I mentioned moving to the same place as him before, he always sounded really excited about it but I never knew if he was just excited because he likes spending time with his best friend or if he wants more and has never had a chance because I've always been with John.... Anyway, so when I went to visit and start apartment shopping, Andy asked me if I wanted to get a place with him. I was very hesitant because I didn't want to move in and then have to be uncomfortable if he picked up a girlfriend or a one-night-stand or whatever, but in the end I said yes mostly due to cheaper rent and access to an awesome TV. And this brings me to the actual, current-day issue. I have been living with Andy for two weeks. It's wonderful. We spend all of our time together either just hanging out at the house or running errands or whatever. I haven't been this happy in so long. He does a lot of things for me that I usually would consider boyfriend things, but since he's my best friend also, he could just be doing everything for me because he appreciates my friendship so much. He's flirty with me sometimes, but hasn't ever tried to kiss me or be intimate. It's all quite confusing. I'm scared that if I tell him how I feel, he'll be weirded out and won't want to be my friend OR roommate anymore. Or if I don't tell him, one day he'll have another girlfriend and I'll be kicking myself for never telling him how I felt. (This seems pretty unlikely since he hasn't had a girlfriend the whole time I've known him, but you never know.) I am his only female friend. His male friends treat me like I'm his girlfriend. I mean, they don't hit on me and they always assume I'm going to be around wherever he is and they are very respectful towards me. What do you think I should do? I am afraid that I'm going to ruin this fantastic friendship but I feel like after wanting him for this long, I need to know how he feels. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and give advice. I sincerely appreciate it.
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female
reader, ladylucy +, writes (21 December 2008):
ladylucy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice, Ladies! I am still pretty undecided about what I should do. I have thought the same thing as oldersister (if he were interested, he would have tried to kiss me by now), which has kept me from doing anything this far. And I counter that thought with the thought that he hasn't had a girlfriend in over five years and maybe he's just shy. Another problem is that I don't even know what I want from him. I have been single for just nine months and before that I was in two back-to-back four year relationships. I know I don't need a boyfriend, in fact, I've really been enjoying the freedom being single has brought. So if I do tell him how I feel, I could be asking him to be my boyfriend...which I might not even want. I would like someone to have sex with though. I miss the sex part of having a boyfriend. As you can see, I'm still pretty confused. I do know cherrybomb1313 is right, I'm going to need some liquid courage if I'm actually ever going to spill my guts to Andy. haha! Thanks again! Even though nobody has a happily ever after to share, your stories help me to know I'm not alone.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 December 2008):
 Hi,
I am in a similar situation right now. I have known the guy for 15 years and have been good friends with him for a few months. We are both now in a situation where we are not attached to anyone and we really enjoy each other's company. There is a spark of sexual tension and I don't think one can feel it alone if the other doesn't have something too.
So, after weeks of him not taking any hints (a weak point for guys I've learned) I finally conked him on the head with "you ever thought about dating me?"
He just looked at me with those caring eyes and I backed away from the questions basically freaking out that I'd blown the friendship. Words spilled out of my mouth like "oh, that'd wreak our friendship, don't answer that, sorry to put you on the spot, etc." And then I retreated.
After I retreated he said "I really do enjoy our friendship and I like hanging out with you. But I don't want to answer that questions because I never thought of you like that. I saw you as a friend and I thought you were above me. I just never considered it."
That was last week. I have no idea what it all meant except that he likes our friendship. Is he now thinking beyond that? I don't know. But, I put the thought out there without being "intrusive." We have had a very good week in our friendship so thank God that was not destroyed. I will not mention it again because he knows where my head is at and the rest is up to him.
The bottom line though is that I still have his friendship which I sincerely enjoy. Anything else will be at his terms. But, time is going on and who knows who will enter our lives. It would really hurt our friendship if he started dating someone else. So I see what you mean about not wanting him to bring home girls, etc.
I do think you need to have a discussion with him, not his friends or his friends girlfriends. Guys do not like being talked about behind their backs, girls either. So if you talk to anyone, give him credit for being the friend he is and trust him with your feelings. Just make sure you are prepared for him to say "I value our friendship and I don't want to lose that." Also, be prepared that he might not be in that place yet but if you put the thought out there, you may be surprised at how quickly he could get there.
Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, mightaphodite +, writes (21 December 2008):
In this situation people usually regret when they don't express their true feelings. I was on the other side of the "problem" so to speak. I was with a guy (a complicated story) and we had this moment in our lives when we could have done something to make a life for the two of us, had he been more in tune with his feelings and had he been ready to share them with me. Needless to say, he didn't and we went separate ways. We lost contact after a while, because it was difficult to talk/write about everyday things, when you actually think about something more important. Anyway, 6 years down the road, he contacts me (emails), somewhat frightened I might not even answer back. Well I did answer and the whole thing multiplied by the years of suppressed feelings literally exploded. As it turned out, he spent all this time living his life the best way he could and regretting every day of it. Even though it's always good to know that the one you love loves you back, in a way I got hurt twice (although I won't admit it): a long time ago when he said nothing, and for the second time now when he did say everything, but it's too late. Life has become far more complicated with other people we care about by our side.
In a way this is both a no win and a win-win situation. Depends how you look at it. No win because you're scared you might loose a friend after all and feel rejected, and if you decide to say nothing you'll suffer by being only friends with him. If it's important to you to be true to yourself, do tell him. You've nothing to lose. You'll free yourself from this emotional burden and have a fresh start whatever his feelings for you may be. I don't think that anyone can regret this choice.
I hope this helped. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, cherrybomb1313 +, writes (21 December 2008):
Hun...I was in a similar situation about a year ago (and his name was ironically Andy). We were besties, always treated me like a gem, always attentive, never had a girlfriend and shit when he studied in Rome, he would sit out on his veranda and call me just so we could listen to our favorite band together over the phone or "to hear my voice"...
When he came back from Rome I ended up confessing my love to him a week after a night of "almost" sex (I gave him the "I don't want to mess up our friendship line" but I really wanted him to know my feelings before we got intimate).
He completely rejected me...it was brutal (a total curve ball especially after we almost had sex). And after he ignored me and stopped hanging around our group of friends. We are just now starting to talk again (of course after he moved away and has a girl friend).
In fear of you having to experience what I did (and worse since you live with him) the best way I think to get an answer about his feelings on the situation, without directly asking him, is through one of Andy's friends, or even better one of his friends' girlfriends. Get buddy buddy with someone, but don't reveal too much. His guy friends would definitely know his true feelings about you, because I am sure everyone is curious about you two and someone has already asked him about the situation.
But if you are a romantic like I am, throw everything to the wind and do exactly what I did. Stop pussyfooting around and tell him how you feel, exactly what you stated above(and possibly after a bottle of red wine...just to butter the both of you up!!) If he rejects you, whatever...it will sting like hell at first but it will keep you from wasting more time just waiting for a concrete sign (cause he is never going to give you one).
I hope this helped...good luck deary!
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