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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi Folks, So I met this guy like 5 months back. We hit it off really well and have been dating seriously ever since. Both our families underwent a lot of crisis post our meeting. We have been for one another through all this. But post these episodes, he seems to be drawing away- almost like ghosting. We used to stay in touch almost every day and now he often cites that he has too much work. I know sometimes he goes over to his sister's place and plays with him there - so I know his explanation may or may not be entirely true. Besides what kind of guy doesnt find 5 mins in a week to chat with a woman he loves- during such times I have texted him thinking perhaps he is really busy so i should be egoistic in waiting for him to text- but now I don't know. I have asked him if we should perhaps take a break or whether he wants to explore his interest or rather the lack of it in me. I have politely voiced my concerns that we are drifting apart and maybe need to relook the entire situation since we are both in our mid thirties. One two or three occasions when I voiced my concerns, he vehemently said that there is no need to have any concern and that he is interested in me. Truth is i feel he has no real interest but wont let me go. Now our families know about each other- his family loves me and they sometimes call me and talk to me genially. I kind of like them too. Dear aunts and uncles, I am scared of staying emotionally attached to this man. I have been really heart broken in the past where another bloke sometime ago played me using mixed signals. I do not want to get hurt this time :( :(. I am not sure if i should give this guy some more time or withdraw. I am also scared I am perhaps already too much attached to this guy. Please tell me what to do- and please tell me if you know how i can keep myself detached or recover from the pain. I can see what I am going through atleas t to some extent. I only dont know how to protect my heart. :( :( :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2021): It seems your feelings grew very intense over a short period of time; but you didn't stop to make sure you were both always on the same page, and moving at the same speed. When you're really excited about being with somebody; sometimes you're not aware of red-flags, or picking-up the signals that their interest may be waning. Been there, done that! Got blind-sided and dumped some years ago! Can't even blame it on a fight, or incompatibility. It lasted 10 months, and he decided "that's it!"
This happens to just about everybody at some time or another. If he was aware of how smitten you were; of course he'd stick around to see if it works. It feeds the ego, knowing somebody is crazy about you! He just happened to put an expiration-date on it. You seem a little over-eager, and that might be part of the problem as well. You have to pace your feelings. Hasty feelings are reckless.
If you're giving a guy what he wants when he wants it; don't be surprised that he'll tell you what you want to hear, when you ask him if things are still good. It's kind of hard to tell somebody to their face they've got an expiration-date, or the novelty is wearing-off. You were dating, but it doesn't seem you were officially-committed. He wouldn't want you to put a lid on the honeypot before he makes his getaway! Sometimes they'll wean you off slowly, or they'll just cut and run. Can't tell you which method is more humane. It also scares people when you fall too fast!
You also said you were going through a lot together. Assuming you were dealing with your perspective family-issues, or personal-problems. That's hard on infant-relationships. You can't always bring a lot of drama and baggage with you; and expect people to want to stick around. Misery likes company, but when your baggage is heavier; people tend to bail on you! You really need to get family-issues in order first; so they won't interfere with your relationships. Romance is hard to maintain as it is; but it's even harder, when it's constantly being bombarded with outside-drama and conflict. He doesn't want to be drawn onto your battlefield. He'll get tired of being your shoulder to cry on, when he has his own problems to deal with. If his life is equally as problematic; he'll have to distance himself just to come-up for air! He's got double the trouble, carrying your load! Giving him some benefit of the doubt. You might be too much! You don't know him well enough to assign him to be your load-bearer!
Yes, it will seem that everything's hunky-dory; especially, when sex on-demand is on the table. If you are all that into the guy, you'd give him whatever he wants. You'd do anything for him; and they'll take advantage of it for as long as they can. I'm afraid it has run its course. Your attachment to his family may continue, if you'd like; but it makes it harder to detach, when you cling to threads of connection through his family. Best to just cut them all loose. You're not his first girlfriend, and surely they've seen them come and go. He's in his 30's!
Sweetheart, it has only been five months. You have to check yourself, when you let yourself get too emotionally-attached so quickly. That's akin to desperation! You really need to be certain of whom you're dealing with. Trust is built slowly. That's why you might get caught off-guard, or hit with surprises! It takes time to get to know their quirks, build trust, and to establish your true-feelings; based on more than finally finding a cure for your loneliness, and being swept-up in first-impressions. Maybe he was good at wooing you; but you have to hold-out to see what's coming-up the pike; before you go full-force!
Even though, I don't really grow attached very easily; I got pretty attached myself, because that was the greatest 10 months ever! When I got ditched, I just decided to let-go; because I will not cling to anyone with the heartlessness to just dump me without prior warning. Not even a decent reason. The reason given was, "you could do better than somebody like me!" He was predicting the future! What he said was true...and I did! I found somebody that knocked him straight out of the ballpark!!! BTW, he replaced me in just two months!
You're mature and experienced enough in life, to know that you don't/can't hold-on to past emotional-injuries sustained from previous failed-relationships. They were life-lessons, and experiments. Each new romantic-pursuit is different; and should be judged on their own merit. You have to get-over your exes; before you go jumping feet-first into another relationship. If you still have scabs on your wounds, they are not fully healed. Meaning, if you're not fully-recovered from the past; you're just dragging your old baggage into a new situation. Your damaged-feelings are susceptible to flashbacks and triggers that make you relive your past trauma all over again. We live in the present, not the past! Desperation is what makes you hold-on, when they've obviously let-go!
You should start withdrawing your feelings based on the present situation. Clinging-on in spite of reality, is just living in-denial. It's putting yourself through the wringer, by trying to hold-on to what has precipitated. Like trying to grab a handful of steam. As much as it hurts, let-go. Deal with the feelings of withdrawal, and face the reality. Don't make a fool of yourself. Don't be drama queen! It's undignified to chase after a man who is literally ghosting you. It's pathetic. It's beneath you. Shake your pretty feathers, and straighten your back! Dry the tears!
He's a teardrop in an ocean of men. You maintain your dignity, and you take back your feelings. Meanwhile, you also need to back-off his family. They're nice to you, but you need space and time to heal during your detachment-process. He's done, now let him go. You're not a love-struck teenager; so maturity and common sense has to take control of your emotions. We've been through and survived a few heartbreaks by the time we've reached our 30's. It doesn't get easier, you just get stronger when you've got experience on your side.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 November 2021):
"when I voiced my concerns, he vehemently said that there is no need to have any concern and that he is interested in me."
So he basically said that he is disregarding your feelings, your needs, and your concerns.
I think you need to tell him that YOU need more from him than he seems willing to give. And you need to voice WHAT it is you feel is lacking, what you NEED from him. Not asking if he needs a break or exploring his interest elsewhere. BE concise in your choice of words. HE CAN NOT read your mind, you CAN NOT read his.
TBH, YOU seem the be the one using mixed signals here.
" I am also scared I am perhaps already too much attached to this guy. "
There is no such thing. If there were, how come people end relationships and marriages all the time?
UNLESS you properly communicate what it IS you feel is missing, what you aren't GETTING from him - he can't correct it and work on it with you. AND if he doesn't YOU can't as easily let go of what "could have been".
I don't think people should BE detached in a relationship or even "guard" their hearts. You want to be open for love and you can't do that if you 1. don't communicate honestly with him and 2. if you don't SHARE your needs and feeling 3. are open to loving and being loved.
Doesn't mean you HAVE to let a person walk all over your feelings though. I'd say do not let him DISMISS what you feel. If he keeps saying oh not I'm interested but show no interest, YOU walk away. Don't waste your time.
If he doesn't WANT to spend 5-10 minutes a day or even a week to TALK to you, what kind of relationship is that? How can you build on that?
you write:" Truth is i feel he has no real interest but wont let me go."
IF you really feel like he isn't interested YOU let go of him. He can't MAKe you keep seeing him IF you do not WANT to.
And his family can be nice, but that is not really important, certainly NOT as important as how you and HE get along.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2021): please note the typo folks- " Plays with him" should read " Plays with his nephew".. sorry for the inconvenience
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