A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'd be grateful for any help please. I have been going through a very painful separation that is now almost complete, except that, for what I believe are good reasons, we did not tell everyone that we know - basically my grown up child was going through an extremely difficult time in college and has been through quite a difficult time growing up, so we decided to appear "stable" because she was on the point of flunking uni. completely. Another difficulty is that our jobs involve a lot of socialising and we know a lot of the same crowd - as I was also in desparate need of more work in order to become more independent, my ex was trying to help me to get more jobs through people that he knew, and we felt it would just not work if people knew that we were separated. We had been together for over 2 decades, so we decided to try to help each other and deal with things gradually.However, the problem that I now have is that we are about to "go public" and I am feeling insecure about how to deal with friendships. Basically I don't have anything like as many friends to go out with as my partner does - I have a few good friends that I can really talk to and a few acquaintainces, but mostly everyone else that I know is through him - this is because he was always going out in our relationship and I was mainly at home coping with bringing up my child alone - I was very isolated.This may sound shallow, but because our jobs involve this social element, I am really feeling insecure about how to face these people in the future - I am expecting quite a lot of people to simply remain friends with my ex and to politely "avoid' me - not because I did anything wrong, but just because he is far more sociable than me and has a higher status job wise.Has anyone else encountered a similar situation? I just want to know the best way to deal with this both emotionally and in a literal sense - how to interract in future. Any help would be greatly appreciate, including the best way to actually tell various people in our lives. Also, apart from my close friends, no one knows that we actually separated around 2 years ago...sleeping separately, just slowly letting go of one another...should I try to explain this at all or just let people figure it out for themselves?Thanks!
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (11 October 2011):
my personal opinion is that you should try to relate to your friends as if nothing is out of the ordinary. They may be uncomfortable because they don't know if you're expecting them to now treat you differently, so if you behave "like normal" to them, then that makes it more likely that you'll put them at ease and you can continue your friendships or work relationships with minimal change in the tone. Your relationship to other people is or should be defined by what goes on between you and them. Not by what goes on between you and your ex.If you sense that people are treating you differently because of your separation, then that's unfortunate but it does happen. they may feel they have to take sides and in this case they've taken his. all you can do is to try to prevent creating a scenario where they feel they have to take sides. For example, don't badmouth your ex to them, refrain from 'explaining' why you've separated unless you can do so in as neutral a way as possible and not painting your ex as the bad guy. Try relating to them in your normal way and not doing anything different. also, your fears may be blown out of proportion. Sure it's true that people like to gossip about those in their social circles, and breakups and separations and divorces do constitute fodder for conversation and gossip maybe for a long time to come. But in the end, I think that no one really cares deeply if you are separated or together, because they have their own lives to lead that don't involve you. I dont' think they would be paying all that much attention to your private life, as long as you and your ex don't try to drag them into it (such as by making them take sides).
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Friends and family will follow your lead. If you seem upbeat and confident, they will feel more at ease.Assume people will treat you the same way they always have and they'll be more inclined to do so. If they seem to avoid you, respect that boundry while outwardly pretending not to notice it.When the conversation turns to a topic that would force revelation of the separation, be matter of fact about it, as though it was never a big secret and you're mildly surprised they didn't already know. Any explanations or elaborations should be brief, but not suspiciously so. You could say something to the effect that you have been separated for (however long it's been) and you both still socialize and support one another. Don't offer anything more.
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