A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am an eighteen-year-old female virgin who does not intend to have sex until her wedding night. While I do not have a purity ring (I think I'm getting one for Christmas, though), I do have kind of a purity symbol--I write the word poned on the thumb side of my left hand in Sharpie. My ex-boyfriend of about two months is an eighteen-year-old sex addict. My virginity (as well as my intentions to keep it until my wedding night) was no secret to him when we first got together; he found out the meaning behind the word on my hand on our first date. At first, he said that he was okay with me wanting to wait, but there were still times when he would talk about sex and kind of be like, "Soo...let me get this straight. You REALLY want to wait until you're married?!?" Our relationship ended after about six weeks; I'll give you three guesses on what the reason was. We parted on good terms, however, and have kept our promise to remain friends. We talk quite often and have seen each other several times since the break-up. Just last weekend, we were hanging out together with a small group of mutual friends. As you can probably imagine, he had sex pretty prominently on his mind; to his dismay, I was on my period. We ended up making out quite a bit, and I gave him a hand job. He was asking me when I'm going to be off my period and mentioned meeting up with our friends this coming weekend. I know that my friends want to go, and I'm not going to lie--I'm in the same boat. To be entirely honest, I'm not really anywhere even remotely CLOSE to being over him. Besides, even if I was, he's a really cool guy and is a lot of fun to hang out with; I'm really glad that we agreed to still be friends after the break-up. At the same time, it's hard to be around him...because virtually all he thinks about is sex. I understand why he's like this (there are things in his past that can fully compensate his current behavior), but I don't understand why he won't get help...you know, like counseling or something. He has confided in me that his addiction has screwed up his life quite a bit, stating that, "Sex always gets in the way." Is there anything at all that I can do to help him?I am also coming on here for advice for my own self. I stated earlier that I intend to remain a virgin until I am married, and so far, it's a commitment that has never been tested an exceptionally large amount (my very first boyfriend and I were never close enough to even consider sex--that was more of just like a fling), and my actual first love shared my aspirations to stay pure until marriage). Back when I was dating the sex addict, I had SOO much trouble saying no. I got to the point where I was actually seriously considering having sex with him. I really love this guy and...well...I AM a teenage girl (go figure. However, I always stopped myself because I've seen people get horribly torn down after breaking their purity vow before they're married. My best friend cried her eyes out onto my shoulder because she regretted it so badly. I don't want that to be me. But I'm scared that the next time I see this guy (while I'm not on my period), that's exactly what I'm going to become. I don't want to flake on him and stop being his friend and hanging out with him, though. What advice can you give me on how to resist the temptation?~Sarah~
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best friend, christmas, hand-job, my ex, period, sex addict, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Everybody wants to "try before you buy." It's normal. It's natural.
But then when we decide we like it, we do another very natural thing - we put down the display model, reach back into the pile, and get different new one that hasn't been opened yet.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): whats the big deal about staying virgin until marraige may i ask? virginity in my opinion is treated more specially than it should. to be honest im more a try before you buy person. you cant be with someone who is lousy in bed. as for a purity vow that is far too religious. but thats just me. as for this guy you are with it seems to me he is after only one thing and thats the thing you dont want for whatever reason. so what i suggest is leave him and find someone who will respect your wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): I don't think anyone would advice you to sleep with the guy even if you were not a virgin. Don't confuse the issue.
The guy sounds like he has a problem. You know it. He knows it. If anyone had written on this forum about this man, we would have still said don't sleep with him. Not being a virgin does not mean you are okay with being used.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (8 December 2009):
 First of all, kudos for you wanting to stay a virgin til you're married. You don't find too many anymore (I'm a virgin, too).
I honestly think you should part ways with this guy, even as a friend. It's just too complicated. You guys broke up, and yet you still hang out with other friends, so you're never really going to get over him until you stop seeing him. At least for a while.
It does sound like he has a sex problem and I wouldn't want to be caught alone with him. The temptation to do it will always be there and it's even moreso since you guys came very close the one time with you giving him a hand job and you saying the only reason why you didn't have sex was cause you were on your period.
You need to leave this guy behind and be with the rest of your friends.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Keeping your virginity to marriage is difficult enough for a couple who BOTH want to wait it out. Trying to do this with a sex addict is not going to work.
You aren't so different from a million other people, especially young women, that come here. Tons of people are always trying to cope with someone who they have realized is not good for them but they do not want to end the relationship. Some people need to leave because their partner is abusive or on drugs or moving out of state to go to school, etc. You are in this position because your partner is going to get you to sleep with him sooner or later. (Is that the only reason he is a problematic BF for you? I doubt it.)
What you have to do is not much different from the rest of them. You have to grow up and do the difficult thing, you have to break things off. It hurts in the short run but you know its right in the long run.
That the facts. Either you will break things off or you won't. You can't change this guy and you're just bullshitting yourself if you think you can stay with him & hold out forever.
If you didn't want to be in this postion, then you shouldn't have continued to date him when you knew this incompatible stuff about him at the beginning. That's life, honey. People who are bad matches for you aren't going to change just because you decide you want to love them. You can't expect to walk around in the fire and not get burned.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): I have to agree with the other answers here. This guy has probably never had a real relationship, all he ever thinks about is how many women he can score. He's not going to change because he doesn't want to change, and to be blunt your not giving him much reason to want to. I mean you have not had sex with this guy but you have led him on sexually so if you really value your convictions then you should stop this behavior. I'm not saying that you can't be a sexual creature because at that age it just comes natural, but you should put some thought into trying to find someone that cares for you the way you care for this guy. BELIEVE me you will regret giving up your virginity to someone of this nature. Your body should be looked at as a temple and this man wants to go in and destroy what makes it so sacred. STAY AWAY FROM HIM, hes bad for you. There is someone out there that will treat you with all the respect that you are asking for as a women, and if you decide to give your virginity to someone like that then atleast they will cherish it as something special. Good luck and be strong!
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A
female
reader, Loobie  +, writes (7 December 2009):
 Don't give in to temptation. This doesn't necessarily mean staying a virgin until your wedding night, it means waiting until you have met the right guy. If your first time is your wedding night then all well and good, if your first time isn't but it is with the man you truly love and loves you then equally you won't regeret it.You would regret your first time being with this guy though. He does only want you because you're a virgin and I bet it wouldn't be long before he dumped you and you'd be just another notch on his bedpost and you deserve better than that.Wedding night or not - you'll know when the time is right, because you won't be having these worries. You would regret being just another one of this guys conquests. You'd always remember your first time for all the wrong reasons and he probably wouldn't even remember you (I don't mean that in a nasty way towards toy, I mean it because he is just after the obvious).Stand by what you believe - you won't regret waiting until you meet the right guy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Look, you are still conflicted yourself about keeping your virginity in tact and you are making the choice to put yourself in temptations way, you, nobody else, not even the sex addict.
If your core value was really to remain pure until marriage, then you are living against those values by even considering dating a professed sex addict and worse giving him a hand job and agreeing to meet him on the condition that you are off your period. If that meeting wasn't about having sex, it wouldn't matter to him or to you where you were in your cycle.
If you want to stop this and remain true to your values and you want to be CLOSE to getting over this guy and your conflicted mind, then you will stop hanging around him and being his friend. You do not owe him friendship and he does not owe you a relationship in order to have sex. That is your call...but if you continue to be friends with a friend that does not share your values and whom you give mixed messages too, then you are clearly on your way to having sex and abandoning your values. And for what? Your raging hormones?
You make the coice, stay away from him, keep him at arms length at all times or continue down the path you have chosen to stay in.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 December 2009):
This guy wants you because you're a virgin. He doesn't want you because he loves you. He just wants to use you, and if you give in, you will regret it as much as your friend. Wait until you are with someone you love and someone who loves you. Or you'll end up like your friend.
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